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just wait until jesus comes home and sees this mess
by greg cunningham

The world is so fucked up today I’ll bet God doesn’t even believe in God anymore.

Catholic Priests sexually abusing children, The Catholic Church trying to cover it up, 9-11, Columbine, Enron, World Com, Red Cross, Olympic Judges, Internet Pop-Up Ads. And now it turns out even Michael Jordan is an adulterous prick.

Welcome to 2003. Should old acquaintance be forgot, indeed.

And what is the big philosophical question our religious leaders want us to
ask as we enter into the New Year?

"What Would Jesus Drive?"

Hmmmmmmm. What would Jesus drive? Let me field that one. First, He would drive a wooden cross into the hearts of those bastard Priests who abused all of those children. Then He would send a driving rain of Fire and Brimstone to come crashing down on Wall Street. Next, He would reduce Michael Jordan’s sex drive to that of his baseball batting average. Finally, He would drive a Humvee (Yes, a Humvee. Read your Bible. Jesus has a flair for the dramatic. Besides, He is not going to get around the rough terrain of Bethlehem in a Saturn), Terminator style, through the front office of the Think Tank that came up with that commercial atrocity. Watch out, pagans. Jesus wasn’t lying when He warned, ‘I’ll be back.”

We’ve crossed the line, folks. Jesus used to sell morality, now we have Him selling (or not selling, as the WWJD is an anti-SUV advertisement) our next motor vehicle. Not only does Santa know if you’ve been naughty or nice, but now Jesus knows how many miles you are getting to the gallon. What’s next? Will our kids be lining up at the mall next Christmas to sit on Jesus’ lap to ask for Beanie Baby Locusts and Frogs, Lot’s Wife Salt Shakers and Evian-Wine-In-A-Box?

Given the current scandal, if there was ever a time for the Catholic Church to be professing morality from the bully pulpit, it's now. And for the Church to pair up with advertising executives as if they truly have our best interests in mind, well, if that isn’t the seventh sign of the apocalypse, then I don't know what is. It's time for the Catholic Church to see what the other side of the confessional box looks like and have victims of the sex abuse scandal and their families offer up a penance. I suggest bringing back the classics, like public stoning or nailing certain appendages to a block of wood.

The WWJD advertisement warns that car exhaust is "(e)ndangering our health. Especially the health of our children." Now, suddenly they're concerned for the health of our children? Or maybe it's just physical health, not mental, that they're worried about.

The advertisement offers up this little guilt trip; “If we love our neighbor and we cherish God’s creation…” as it pertains to fuel economy in the car we choose to drive. How sanctimonious, considering what those Priests did to their neighbor and to God’s creation surpasses all of the cowardice and evil that was perpetrated over the last decade, including that of Osama Bin Laden and his unholy clan.

One might argue that Jesus would, as is His nature, forgive the guilty Priests and turn the other cheek. I disagree. I think the only thing that would turn would be His stomach, and then the freshly dug, six feet of earth to bury those fuckers. After all, Jesus is merely the Son of God, and even He has His limits.


Mom was a militant feminist so radical she refused to serve chick peas. Dad was a lazy Mathematician best known for discovering 'rounding off'. Brother was tough as nails, working part time as a speed bump. Me, I'm a r-n-r purist,& consider anything recorded AFTER Pete Best left the band as 'not really the Beatles'. 38, single, 6' 6"' 240 white male

more about greg cunningham


robert melos
12.31.02 @ 5:17p

Um, I guess you didn't see this one yet. Jesus Dolls

greg cunningham
12.31.02 @ 8:54p

Okay, I stand corrected. Huggy Jesus is the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

tracey kelley
1.10.03 @ 9:03a

...the rough terrain of Bethelhem in a Saturn...

Heh. That's funny.

erik myers
1.10.03 @ 9:57a

Personally, I want me some Lot’s Wife Salt Shakers. I think that'd be awesome.

trey askew
1.10.03 @ 11:07a

Come on now. You know JC wouldn't go to Bethelhem. Vegas baby Vegas! That's where the sinners are!

matt morin
1.10.03 @ 12:30p

What's the big deal? So what if people are propriating Jesus' name to use in a campaign against SUVs. Good for them. It's a lot better than using his name for a holy war.

tracey kelley
1.10.03 @ 12:35p

Oh come on, ad boy. There are limits. You really think this is a smart ad campaign? It's a convuleted way to talk about a simple issue, and drum up attention for the wrong reason.

heather millen
1.10.03 @ 12:52p

I personally don't think "Jesus" gives a damn about SUVs. I feel quite confident that he's got bigger things on his mind.

adam kraemer
1.10.03 @ 1:09p

It's not the first time religion has been used to promote something, including, um, religion. "Don't eat that pork. God says so."

Also - and this is coming from a Jew, so it's not like I have a vested interest - to say that the Church is responsible for what specific priests do is like saying my company is responsible for any laws that I break. I don't like the stance the Church often takes - that of guarded inaction - and it is definitely necessary for the leaders of the Church to ex-communicate and/or punish priests who molest children. But to claim that the Church is responsible for those atrocities takes the responsiblity away from the individuals who actually committed the crimes.

matt morin
1.10.03 @ 3:02p

Tracey, I didn't say it was the smartest way to do it, but it's still a way. (And it may be a smart one, depending on your target audience.)

But there have been on Jesus/God campaigns for the church that were amazing. Fallon in Minneapolis won all kinds of awards for a campaign to get people to come back to church. It was great.

greg cunningham
1.10.03 @ 6:59p

Adam,Adam,Adam,(name irony intended)

The Catholic Church's
higher-ups (or lower downs, in this case)in the form of certain Cardinals (former Cardinal Law, for instance) knew of the abuses and merely relocted the offending priests to other parishes and other victims. THAT makes the Catholic Church guilty. Then the deal makers and law makers in the Catholic Church trial-balloned an excuse to the media claiming some B.S. that 20 years ago (when the abuses began) 'not alot was known about how to properly handle child sex offenders' so they decided to NOT handle it in house. THAT makes the Catholic Church guilty. Then those same law makers hemed-and-hawed and finlly rejected a zero tolerance policy for future offending priests. THAT makes the Catholic Church guilty. Then they trial-balloned a warning that the church may file bankruptcy to avoid future lawsuits from the victims. THAT makes the Catholic Church-well, it makes them hypocrites, anyway-where is THEIR sense of responsibility and guilt that they've been shoving down OUR throats for the last 2000 plus years ?



robert melos
1.10.03 @ 10:39p

As a practicing Pagan I would be turned off by an SUV ad touting Christ would drive it. On the other hand, if they mentioned it was fast as a deer, more powerful than a bear, and able to climb a mountain like a goat, I still wouldn't want an SUV because of all the news articles relating to the dangers of poorly made SUV's. Besides, I like to think any deity I would worship would be more into a Miata. Sleek, classic, sexy, and they would look hot in it.

daniel castro
1.12.03 @ 4:14p

Don't get me started on god....

You said it best, Gregg, "..God doesn't even believe in God anymore."
I'm finally glad the Church's dirty shit is now out there for everyone to see. You are not so fucking perfect anymore, are you?

If the second coming is near, fuck, don't involve me, man. I don't follow your little game of lies, so leave me out of it.

greg cunningham
1.12.03 @ 7:07p

So, basically what you're saying Dan, is that I can't interest you in buying a 'Huggy Jesus?"



robert melos
1.12.03 @ 8:21p

Well it looks like Jesus won't be driving an SUV in America because there is now a group claiming SUV's are anti-American and driving them supports terrorism. I personally didn't know a car could be political, except for the Mercedes.

daniel castro
1.12.03 @ 11:11p

Not even if my life depended on it. Or I might buy it, and then go to a church during sunday mass and burn it in front of everyone. maybe.

greg cunningham
1.18.03 @ 11:41a


The talk show celebrity Arinna Huffington began that 'SUV drivers support terrorists' ad campaign until someone pointed out to Arinna that SHE DROVE A LINCOLN NAVIGATOR (13 miles to the gallon). Just like the Rosie O'Donnel's anti-gun campaign while being a paid rep for
K-Mart, the largest gun selling chain store in the USA.
Not to mention the multiple mansions these celebrities live in which cost more to heat then a 'fuel efficient' house. Just hope the boat carrying all these loud mouth hypocrites sinks while crossing the river Styx.

robert melos
1.18.03 @ 5:17p

Arinna Huffington, at least as far as I'm concerned, runs along the asme likes as Zaa Zaa Gabor. She's famous for being famous. I'm surprised she drives at all. I figured she had a chauffeur. I'm not surprised she didn't know the gas mileage of her own car. I'm sure she has a luxury cabin already lined up for the cruise across Styx. I guess she never heard you "Don't pay the ferryman."

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