A New Year is upon us. And with each passing year comes a spirit of anew. This gleaming hope, this air of anticipation for what lies ahead, and the promise to yourself that this year… “This year’s gonna be different.”
So after the New Year’s Eve hangover faded away (approximately January 6th), I took stock and began to plan the year ahead. No, I didn’t write some silly list of resolutions I have no intention of upholding. As any logical person would do at this pivotal time, I reached for the astrological charts. What do the stars have in store for me?
Hmm… “For one who lives so passionately, you begin the New Year with remarkable calm.” Scratch head. Try to recall even one sober, somber hour that is the blur I called New Years Day. Not-so-much. Read on. “Inexplicable things happen over the next few months…” blah blah blah… “Deadened senses become alive…” Something, something, something... “Your mastery over others is amusing at first, but it becomes intimidating in July…” INTERESSTTTIIING. Here I will take over the world!! “Serious worries won’t darken your door until sometime in 2004.” Phew.
And after carefully reading each phrase, searching diligently between the lines for the deeper meaning, the conclusion I arrived at was this: Astrology is obscure bullshit.
But to save all you fellow lost souls from wandering through 2003 searching for direction and looking for messages in your alphabet soup, I will now supply you with my very own "astrological" insight for the upcoming year. No beating around the bush here, just straightforward assertions for the paltry little thing you like to call your life.
Do keep in mind that while I am attuned to the alleged characteristics of each sign, I have absolutely no qualifications in the field and can provide no backing whatsoever for these “visions.” I have no special touch with the powers that be nor do I receive any communications from higher sources. I do occasionally get an all-over tingly feeling, but it is usually accompanied by a night of three or more martinis and should therefore not be perceived as any extra-sensory perception.
But if the “stars” can be trusted, gaseous burning masses millions of light years away, so can I. My complete lack of experience or education in the matter should be disregarded. You did it for Miss Cleo. Suckers.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)- You are eccentric by nature and excel at being happy. Good luck with that when everything goes to the shits in late August. At least you can drown yourself in the drink. May I suggest vodka?
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)- You are a dreamer who often finds their head in the clouds. Of course, you are also an escapist who runs from reality. In early February, you'll get some hairbrained idea like abandoning your life to run off and open a Mexican Restaurant in Prague. I suggest you import your own Mexicans.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)- Your frank and open personality will finally pay off. You will be discovered as the next Howard Stern just in time for fall sweeps. Enjoy it while you can, you self-centered bastard. We’ll tire of your smutty antics soon enough.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)- You’re overly practical, stubborn and bullish. And you wonder why you can’t get anyone to date you. Well, maybe if you lighten up by summertime you can get some oceanfront pity sex or something.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)- You are daring and innovative. This year, you will be the one to successfully invent the coolest thing since sliced bread. Riches, fame and throngs of adoring admirers will follow. You
lucky dog, you.
Cancer (June 22-Jul. 22)- Sure you’ve got the whole sensitive and empathetic thing going, but you are such a homebody. Get out. Live a little. May I suggest Mardi Gras? Nothing like a little drunken debauchery to get ya out of your shell. Save bail money for March.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)- Some of your best qualities are your faithfulness and big heart. Your friendship is a find and your love is a treasure. So, spread the love, hot stuff! Nothing but lovin’ til it rings 2004. Wooh! Baby, can I get ya digits?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)- You are secretive and analytical... always plotting. You're leading a covert operation on your company as we speak, aren’t you, you dirty-handed little thief?! Well, it’s brilliant. You didn’t want that pathetic job anyway. Enjoy your quick escape to the Caymans in early November. Man, you’re good.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)- You are social, opinionated and fair. You should run for President. Take this year to assemble a group of underhanded, manipulative politicians to steer your campaign. Befriend an intern. You’re on your way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)- You are SEXY! You are also passionate and strong-willed. These qualities will all come in handy when you join forces with your fellow Scorpios to take over the world in July (see above). And did I mention how sexy you are? Damn.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)- You are optimistic, honest and ethical. Well, whoopee freakin’ do! See where that gets ya when your significant other cheats on ya and your business partner runs off with all the company earnings. Take February to grow a spine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)- Serious, responsible, and conservative, you’re so boring that you make me want to cry. Therefore, you get no fortune. Loser.
Go ahead. Believe it. Don’t believe it. See if I care. The truth is that “the fates” reside in you. Come on, throw caution to the wind! Take an unexpected trip if you want to. Fall in love. Love being single. Get a job. Quit your job. Listen to the voices in your head… Yes, they’re a little scary at first, but go ahead and trust them. (Unless, of course, they’re chanting “Kill. Kill.” Then you’re just plain crazy and there’s not a damn thing I can do for ya.)
But whatever you do, make it count. Fuck karma. Make it the year you choose to be happy. Because you really don’t get a whole lot of them. Now go have a happy freakin’ New Year.
Heather has a penchant for drama, both personally and professionally. She secretly wishes people spoke in song and wholeheartedly believes that everyone deserves a standing ovation now and again. She finds it appalling that people reserve champagne only for special occasions, when champagne is clearly best on a Tuesday, while riding the subway, accompanying a slice of kick-ass pizza.
ABOUT HEATHER M. MILLEN
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
1.17.03 @ 8:25a
Sweet! Matt! You and I are on the invention trail, buddy! Throngs of admirers? Whoooo-hoo!
1.17.03 @ 9:28a
Who needs that Farmer's Almanac when you've got Heather's Guide to the Stars?
1.17.03 @ 9:43a
I already know an intern. I'm halfway there!
1.17.03 @ 10:39a
I hate vodka. Especially when I've had too much of it.
1.17.03 @ 10:51a
The worst horoscopes are the ones for educated astrology types:
Mercury is in retorgrade and Pisces enters your aura mid-August. Plan accordingly.
What? It's gonna be really cold in August? Who?
1.17.03 @ 12:02p
Speaking of technical astrology (is that an oxymoron?), I used to read one in the local monthly free arts magazine. It seemed that whenever I would look at Aquarius (me), it would tell me that "Venus squares Uranus."
I prefer Heather's vodka.
1.17.03 @ 12:08p
I feel quite lucky to be a Gemini this year! Daring and innovative? hmm, yes please!! And despite the ring-- throngs of admirers can only mean one thing in my book....FREE DRINKS! Heather, I think this calls for a three martini tingle!
1.17.03 @ 12:25p
That sounds like fun. The tingle, I mean. Oh, and the free drinks. Heather's right: I didn't want that pathetic job.
1.17.03 @ 1:03p
That's right, Mike. You don't want a pathetic job. I should have put something in there about vodka for you too. Then again, everyone deserves the promise of a "tingle."
The fun thing to me about horoscopes is that in almost every case, you can bend them to fit your life. Gives a nice deluded sense of karma to cushion the blow of reality.
1.17.03 @ 2:58p
There was a horoscope in our local paper when I was growing up that offered plans on what to do that night - "Tongight: stay in with friends." And it was almost always entirely 100% opposite what my plans were going to be. You know, I'd have the flu, with a 104° temperature, and Ms. Bigar would be like, "Tonight: Out on the Town." Her ability to get it exactly wrong was astounding.
michelle von euw
1.17.03 @ 3:14p
Ohhhhh, I'll have to ask for vodka as a birthday gift. So I can store up for August. Or, um, practice.
1.17.03 @ 4:04p
Riches? Check. Fame? Check. Throngs of adoring admirers? It's only a matter of time...
1.17.03 @ 4:14p
Chelle, when's your birthday?
And geesh, what's with all the Geminis up in here? If I'd have known that, I may have made the predictions more, uhm, introspective...
1.17.03 @ 5:07p
I hate my life. I want to cry. I'll go drown my sorrows now.
1.18.03 @ 12:52a
I'm a lucky dog. Yup, another Gemini. I call them stalkers, but admirers works also.
1.18.03 @ 2:46p
OK, I'm getting to this late, but Geminis rock. Although I never knew sliced bread was cool.
1.20.03 @ 12:29p
Forget where I implied Geminis were intelligent. You never heard the expression "the coolest thing since sliced bread"?
1.20.03 @ 12:52p
I've heard "The best thing since sliced bread." and "The greatest thing since sliced bread."
1.20.03 @ 1:00p
I'm with Matt. Sorry, toots.
1.20.03 @ 1:03p
Traitor. Mike, shouldn't you be out finding a new job or something? ;)
Okay, fine. Maybe my affection for bread has gone too far. But I think sliced bread is pretty damn cool.
1.24.03 @ 12:17p
Man! You stole my idea. I mean, wouldn't a Mexican place in Prague be the coolest thing since sliced bread?!
michelle von euw
1.24.03 @ 4:38p
Oh, Heather, just saw your question. I turn Not-Thirty next Wednesday. Since I'm eccentric by nature and excel at being happy, that means tonight (when the pre-celebrations begin) should be fun.
1.24.03 @ 5:25p
So, I wasn’t that far off on that one! You are a sunshiny gal. And looks like there will be drinks in the not so distant future anyway!
Happy Happy. And hey, you share your bday with my sister!