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me almighty
today, i play god.
by heather m. millen
6.19.03
humor


Last weekend, I hauled myself out to the cinemas for the latest Jim Carrey romp. I waited in line to pay $9.50 to get in, blew another $20 on concession stand food, settled into a sticky theatre chair that's best kept in the dark and turned my attention to Bruce Almighty. I expected little to nothing from the experience.

But you know what? It didn't suck. I even laughed a number of times. Of course, this small detail will not stop me from writing here what I could do better if I got a swing at the almighty bat. It's the beauty of being God- I can do that.

Well, I would start by lowering the ridiculous cost of a night at the friggin' movies these days! And then I'd move right along to the obvious Top Five. A step, I might mention, our good friend Bruce overlooked entirely.

Deity To Do List:
-Establish world peace
-End hunger and homelessness
-Reverse global warming
-Erase the national deficit
-Let the Buffalo Bills finally win a Super Bowl

Then I'd move onto other pertinent items that are also very central to life. Well, my life anyway.

One snap of the fingers and I’d lose 10 pounds. Okay, maybe 15. Hey, being God is a high-profile position. I'd have to look good. And as the ultimate power exec, I'd certainly make a hell of a lot more money and work a hell of a lot less. And as a signing bonus, I'd expect the convertible of my choice and my very own yacht. I could call it "Heavenly Heather."

I'd create my very own custom-made Prince Charming. Because, really, what is all the world's power and glory without someone to share it with? He'd be sickeningly in love with me and come fully equipped with intellect, wit, an adventurous spirit, a romantic side and eyes that can make a girl weak in the knees. And, of course, a body so goddamn hot you could melt ice cubes on it. Hmmmm...now that sounds fun.

Ah hem. Where was I? Oh, yes. I'd erase the following from existence: my college loan debt, nine parking tickets (give or take), several other various agents of stress, my 7th grade yearbook picture and the harrowing memory of sitting through the entire Super Troopers movie.

I wouldn't be greedy. There are a lot of people I hold near and dear to whom I would extend a hallowed helping hand. Through a simple application process, I would erase friends' problems ranging from painful heartaches to bad hair days.(In the off chance I do get bestowed all of the powers of God in the near future, I'd start sucking up now, people!)

But it sounds like a pretty damn good gig if you ask me.

Position: God
Salary: Negotiable
Benefits:
Omniscience
Omnipotence
The Eternal Life Comprehensive Health Plan

And just think of the title on the business card!

God
Exalted Deity, Almighty Creator, Lord, Maker and Ruler of All Things

Who could pass up a career opportunity like that? Assuming, of course, that it comes with 15 days of vacation time and paid holidays.

I'm sure at some point, everyone has played with the thought of playing God in some capacity. Mostly for reasons like I list here- to focus on the things in our lives that we would change. Granted, we already can change most everything in our lives. Just not at the point of the finger or a wave of the hand. And isn't that the beauty of having infinite power? POOF! And all our problems and grievances disappear.

Of course, we conveniently forget the responsibilities that accompany having such power. Because right now, I'm thinking God's job isn't so damn easy. Ya know, with all of the turmoil of the world resting on his shoulders and all. I think I’ve got enough problems of my own, thank you.

All in all, I think God (or whichever deity you choose to worship or resent) is doing an all right job. This "free will" thing he gave us is pretty neat. Except for the part that you can't change anyone else's. That kind of blows, but I guess that's the whole point of free will.

Unfortunately, I'm not so sure that everyone else is holding up his or her end of the bargain. I know I'm not. Sitting around, wallowing in self-pity and dreaming a celestial escape from my problems. Not to even mention some of the shit I got into last weekend. Lord knows you’ll find that in the “What Not to Do” chapter of The Pious Guide to Righteousness. Damn. Lord’s name in vain? Chalk up another one.

I’m not the most religious person on the planet. You look up “Devout” in the dictionary and you will not find a picture of me there. You got a better chance at finding it a few pages back under “Debauchery.”

Regardless, I do have my faith. And sometimes it’s necessary for me to rely on it. Sure, chances are nobody’s going to hand me the Mighty Scepter of God anytime soon and I’m just going to have to rely on that little gift of free will to fix anything I want to see fixed. It’s no “Walking on Water” but it’s a pretty damn nice consolation prize anyway.

Okay, God, you got me. I guess I’ll go work on my own “To Do” List now. But if you got a spare moment and you feel like whipping me up that delicious Prince Charming recipe listed above, well, who am I to argue?


ABOUT HEATHER M. MILLEN

Heather has a penchant for drama, both personally and professionally. She secretly wishes people spoke in song and wholeheartedly believes that everyone deserves a standing ovation now and again. She finds it appalling that people reserve champagne only for special occasions, when champagne is clearly best on a Tuesday, while riding the subway, accompanying a slice of kick-ass pizza.

more about heather m. millen

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topic: humor
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COMMENTS

matt morin
6.19.03 @ 1:45a

Heather, as much as this column shows you want it, I'm simply not giving you my job.

brian anderson
6.19.03 @ 8:18a

God
Exalted Deity, Almighty Creator, Lord, Maker and Ruler of All Things

Once you've got "God" on the business card, do you really need to add qualifiers? Unless it's a Greco-Roman "God of" position (God *of* War, God *of* Gates, Goddess *of* Overpriced Snack Foods), I think that "God" covers a lot of space.

(Scholastic argument: God covers a lot of space. Discuss.)

trey askew
6.19.03 @ 10:09a

If Heather ever gets deity like powers, I'm pulling out my own todo list. That one titled, "Things to do when the world is about to end."


I can't believe you took a stab at Super Troopers. Meow that's just wrong!


jeffrey walker
6.19.03 @ 11:29a

I'd erase the following from existence: ...the harrowing memory of sitting through the entire Super Troopers movie.

Perhaps it was the sitting part that bothered her, and not the movie itself. Not that it was a great movie like Half-Baked.

I'd like to be the Devil instead of God so I could cause trouble instead of forgiving. But, as both characters are most likely fictional characters created to dupe people into submission, all this is irrelevant.

Side note: why is it that people believed the person in the Bible was Jesus, the son of "God", but refuse to believe the guy on the street who says he's Jesus? After all the years that have pasted, person interpretations added and language translations, the Bible is as credible an American History book, if not less so.

mike julianelle
6.19.03 @ 12:14p

Super Troopers is pretty damn funny, dunno what she's talking about. "Oh, you mean Shenanigans?"

heather millen
6.19.03 @ 3:28p

I'm about to become God and my distaste of Super Troopers is what concerns you all most?!

Damn, lowly humans are such suckers. You have no idea!

jael mchenry
6.19.03 @ 3:53p

Personally, I expect sainthood out of this, or at least a bunk on the yacht.

jeffrey walker
6.19.03 @ 4:48p

quoting Millen: I'm about to become God and my distaste of Super Troopers is what concerns you all most?!

Considering I don't think there is a God that you could become (see response above), then arguing the point of Super Troopers seems the most logical.

heather millen
6.19.03 @ 4:51p

I don't think there is a God that you could become

Really? He's going to be devastated to find out.

jael mchenry
6.19.03 @ 4:58p

I think God's okay with Jeff's opinion of him. He can't afford to get het up about every little thing.

robert melos
6.19.03 @ 10:25p

I'm with Jeff on this one. The part about wanting to be the Devil.There are so many minds I want to mess with today, and being the Devil I could do it guilt free (like tricking all those dieters into thinking cheesecake has zero calories. Oh that would be cool. Especially when I give them back their memory of eating the cheesecake, and allow them to remember all those calories.)

As for the human race being concerned with the most unimportant aspects of your accession to deity level (ie. Super troopers), people always focus on the wrong things.

If I weren't bucking for Lord of the Underworld, or an associate partnership in said underworld, I'd be kissing up big time. Well, I could still kiss up big time, just in case I don't make demonic partnership and need a devout position to fall back on.

[edited]

heather millen
6.20.03 @ 1:23p

If you were the devil, that's the worst you'd do? Looks like someone needs a Son of Satan tutoring session. Julianelle?

Personally, if given the choice, I'd still opt for the powers of God. Hell, most of mankind already holds the powers of Satan.

robert melos
6.20.03 @ 3:29p

I wouldn't be an ultra fun demon. I'm too nice of a person. Although I do believe, as a demon, I could do more damage with little things like lying about calories, and maybe arranging for more politicians to fall victim to temptation than I could with a plague or mass destruction. Hmmm. Mass destruction? I know. I could send people on a wild goose chase in search of weapons of mass destruction in some desert country.

jeffrey walker
6.21.03 @ 12:08p

If you were the devil, that's the worst you'd do?

I'm still operating under the assumption that there no God or Devil. That said, you know the ongoing debate about Gansta rap - one side saying that the rappers glorify violence & drug use, and the rappers saying that they are just talking about how life is? Well, life would be more like the rappers say it is, except not so misogynistic, because I'm all about the ladies; the ladies who, consequently, would all be like my favorite strippers and porn stars.
And the white stripes would realize they suck and retire.

jael mchenry
6.23.03 @ 11:23a

Wanting all women to be porn stars is not misogynistic?

"I love the ladies... with large breasts and no personality aside from a constant sexual hunger."

jeffrey walker
6.26.03 @ 12:39p

Jael, that's a gross mischaracterization of female porn stars. They are quite pleasant, eager to please, and are proud of their bodies to the point of willingness to show them off. They have careers, are liberated and are sexy. Why shouldn't all women be so lucky??

robert melos
6.26.03 @ 9:06p

Jael and Jeff, you both forget there is a segment of porn stars that do fetish films. 300 lbs and up is a BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman). The male equivalent is Ron Jeremy, but he's just gross.

The point is, different strokes...Um, poor choice of words. Anyway, porn is just another career choice. At one time all women were expected to be teachers or nurses. There was a time when secretaries where all male. Women had to overcome a lot in whatever career field they entered because they were expected to get married and have kids.

And sticking with the topic of the column, there has always been a Goddess in most religions. Only the last 2000 or so years of human race have focused on the male deity. In fact, some theorize Mary, Queen Of Heaven, is the modern version of Goddess in the Catholic faith. SO Heather has just gone full circle back to the woman's rightful place as deity. You go, Goddess!

heather millen
6.27.03 @ 12:21p

Thank you, dear. I used to have a sticker on my headboard that said "Goddess." I've known no one to disagree.
;)



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