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how to bag a hot chick
a pocket guide from the voluptuous virtuosos
by heather m. millen

Finally a How-To Guide that's useful. I'm not going to tell you how to build a go-cart out of tin cans or how to redecorate your bathroom using only dryer sheets. And if you're looking to find out how to make a crème brulèe to die for, you've got the wrong lady. But I do feel that I'm qualified to supply you with some insight into what grabs a woman's interest. So, guys gather round. Ladies, appease me and feel free to join in. Maybe together we can train some old dogs.

Now, despite popular belief, approaching a girl at a bar and saying "Heaven must be missing an angel" is rarely an affective method of getting a girl's attention. Unless "laughed at" is the only attention you're going for. But judging from what I've seen in bars spanning from Kentucky to Cali, guys out there really seem to have NO CLUE. Consider this your clue.

For this column, I went to the experts. In addition to my 25 years of experience, I looked toward a host of incredibly hot chicks for insight. We're talking about what a guy can do from the first moment he brings you a cocktail (Yes, that tactic is acceptable. God knows it beats a path to my heart). Keep this list handy for everything from getting into her bed to getting into her will.

Be altruistic
If you don't know what that is, stop reading now. I can't help you. Numbnuts. Basically, do something selfless. Hell, just say something selfless. Human beings are naturally self-involved. Break the mold. Ask the lady what she likes to do - with no expectation of that question providing a forum to express how wonderful and talented YOU are. God, get over yourself.

Show your sense of humor
One friend answered, "Have a sense of humor about life, my drinking habits, and mostly himself." Okay, my friends are raging alcoholics, but the point is universal. Again and again, girls list sense of humor at the top for attributes they're looking for in a guy. Right under washboard abs.

Kidding. See? It's so easy.

Be appreciative
Whether it's for the fact that you're a stranger approaching her at a bar and she's actually listening to your drivel or it's months later and she's still listening to your drivel, appreciate her. And don't overlook the small things. Note: They're all small things.

Talk to her
What is it with most men and their complete disinterest in communicating? Be honest. About everything. Down to your intentions. Seriously, it's not hard. And if you're frank with her, it'll spare you from all those awkward moments when she puts you on the spot with "What are you thinking?" Wouldn't it be so much easier to be up front than have to scurry for an answer that sounds deep when you know damn well that the answer to that question is, "Calculating the odds of the Yankees making the World Series this year?" Thought so.

Respect her intelligence
Hot chicks aren't an endangered species, but intelligent hot chicks are well worth the extra effort. Scintillating conversation and hot sex? Yes, please. If you find one of these rare beings, this tip is extremely important and yet easy to follow. Consider a trial exercise. Start by appreciating the irony of a woman writing a column entitled "How To Bag a Hot Chick" asking you to respect her intelligence.

Compliment her
Even the hottest of chicks likes to be reminded with sweet little somethings. And don't go for the obvious. Every girl has heard "You have such beautiful eyes." If that's truly the one thing you want to compliment, you better have more detail than that. But I'm sure you can find something else, otherwise you are wasting your time. If I hear one more guy mention my buxom br… uhm, brains, I'm gonna hurl. You want the compliment to sound original and sincere. Angels do NOT fall from heaven and no one stole the stars from the sky and put them in her eyes, mmmkay?

Buy her something
Hey, there's one in every crowd and this answer did resonate with at least one of the members of my hot chick pool. Look, it can't hurt. If it's me you're after, one word: Tiffany's.

Get to know her interests
Fuck flowers and candy. Before you hit the doorstep on that first date, know enough about the girl to cater the evening to her interests. Nobody wants a pre-packaged love affair. Or a pre-packaged romp in the hay, for that matter. No matter what you're going for, you're bound to have better results if you just pay attention.

Put her on a pedestal
Maybe not a pedestal, but set her apart, dammit! You're not just trying to bag ANY hot chick… you're trying to bag THIS hot chick. Act accordingly. If a girl feels like a number rather than a special effort, she's gonna lose interest faster than Ben Affleck at an AA Meeting.

Consider this list just a jumping off point to get you started. Relations between men and women have baffled the masses for ages, and I'm not claiming to hold the long sought-after key. I'm not all-knowing about women. And I can barely even begin to understand men. Unless what they want is just "big breasts" and "does laundry," in which case, excuse me while I go reconsider my heterosexuality.

If you were wondering, this list can also be used to bag an ugly chick, though I'd confront your self-esteem issues if you're intentionally aiming low. The world is your oyster, go find your pearl!

And if all else fails, buy her something.


Heather has a penchant for drama, both personally and professionally. She secretly wishes people spoke in song and wholeheartedly believes that everyone deserves a standing ovation now and again. She finds it appalling that people reserve champagne only for special occasions, when champagne is clearly best on a Tuesday, while riding the subway, accompanying a slice of kick-ass pizza.

more about heather m. millen


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i do.
wait. what was the question?
by heather m. millen
topic: general
published: 11.25.02


matt morin
7.28.03 @ 1:16a

Women should follow this advice, too. Or just show some cleavage. Either will get the job done.

dave trawets
7.28.03 @ 6:58p

most hot girls date mean guys. the qualities you ask for above, will only make you the hot girl's friend. the only thing you can do to date a hot girl is get exceedingly rich, or get testosterone injections, so that you reek of testosterone.


matt morin
7.28.03 @ 7:16p

I wanted to say what Dave just said, but I was afraid I'd be labeled as bitter. Oh wait...I am.


heather millen
7.28.03 @ 7:19p

Well, I would never label one as "bitter" but I do think the text itself sounds a little "bitter-ish."

I think men and women alike go through bouts of looking for the wrong thing, perhaps mostly due to immaturity. But in the end, I do think that any "hot chick" worth having will end up looking for these qualities in their mate.

matt morin
7.28.03 @ 7:23p

Yeah, but when you're "hot" you don't have to settle for someone who's nice and funny. You can have someone who's nice, funny, rich and hot, and who buys you things.

erik myers
7.28.03 @ 7:24p

Awwww... Matt's jaded.

matt morin
7.28.03 @ 7:25p

I prefer the term "realistic."

erik myers
7.28.03 @ 7:28p

A rose by any other name...

sarah ficke
7.28.03 @ 7:29p

Yeah, but when you're "hot" you don't have to settle for someone who's nice and funny. You can have someone who's nice, funny, rich and hot, and who buys you things.

Only if you can find one. Guys like that aren't everywhere.

heather millen
7.28.03 @ 7:31p

Okay, let's be realistic. First off, I want to know where all these guys you're referring to are hanging out. Because, if they have all those qualities in ADDITION TO the ones I mention here, than you're right... why not have it all?

But you don't "settle" for nice and funny. You're settling if you omit some of the more meaningful qualities in this piece for "rich" and "buys me stuff." Hot chicks (short of Playboy bunnies) do know this.


matt morin
7.28.03 @ 7:37p

I refer you to Dave's previous post.

heather millen
7.28.03 @ 8:00p

Why? Did I miss the part where he gave detailed directions to where these magical men you speak of exist?

Otherwise, I don't see the correlation. When it comes down to it, even "hot" girls still just really want a good guy. You're selling yourself short if you don't ask for the same in reverse.


brian anderson
7.28.03 @ 8:05p

*jumps in late*

Settle for nice and funny? Those are two of my three goals (along with "smart"). I'd rather have nice and funny than settle for hot and dumb. If the nice girl's hot, then that's the icing, not the cake.

russ carr
7.28.03 @ 9:15p

When you decide to reconsider your heterosexuality, Heather? Let me know, 'kay? I'll be right there with the webcam, sweetie -- we'll make mad money!

juli mccarthy
7.29.03 @ 12:53a

When you find the "right" person, you'll be amazed how hot you will find him/her to be, whether they are objectively "hot" or not.

adam kraemer
7.29.03 @ 12:01p

You're talking to the women, Juli, right?

heather millen
7.29.03 @ 12:15p

When you find the "right" person, you'll be amazed how hot you will find him/her to be, whether they are objectively "hot" or not.

I agree, Juli. And when you find the "right" person, I think that possessing attractive qualities such as I've listed here make the person even "hotter." Which is why I would argue that all hot girls DO NOT date "mean guys" who are over-testosteroned.

adam kraemer
7.29.03 @ 12:19p

Look - it's not a question of being mean. Women date assholes because they're afraid of getting hurt dating a nice guy. In some weird way, the jerks are actually safer because there's no threat of real emotional attachment. My 2¢, anyway.

On the other hand, women might marry nice guys. For the same reasons that they date the mean ones. But to do that takes maturity, and I can guarantee you that most people in this world don't actually reach maturity until they've already been through one divorce, a slew of one-night-stands, three jobs, two cities, and a countless number of bad dates. Maybe then they're actually ready to meet the right person.

And, as a last point, hot girls can get hot guys. So they do.


matt morin
7.29.03 @ 12:31p

Shit, Adam actually made sense there. The only thing is, after going through all that, the woman has so much relationship baggage that no self-respecting "nice guy" would get near her.

(And before everyone freaks out, that still stands if you reverse the sexes in the sentence.)

brian anderson
7.29.03 @ 12:32p

Juli, you're right. I'd like to amend my statement.

One thing I've discovered about myself (and I draw no generalizations) is that personality traits affect my own rating of someone physically. Salma Hayek, to pick a random famous person, I can say is pretty, but based on the interviews I've seen with her, her personality completely precludes her from being considered hot or attractive by me. So I still rank nice and smart and funny at the top, but for me, those are the qualities that define "hotness."

I'm staying the heck away from Adam's attempt to revive the eternal "Nice Guys Don't Get Any" argument.

adam kraemer
7.29.03 @ 1:53p

I never said that. Nice guys can get some. They just need confidence and whatever one defines as "game." You can be nice and be a hit with women simultaneously.

What I said was that the dangerous guys do have an edge. Also, the "nice" guy needs to be attractive. Define "attractive" however you will.

And, Matt, I wouldn't make a blanket statement that all women have too much baggage. If you don't want someone with a personality or a unique history, fuck a sheep.

Brian's got the right idea, but I think it's about the whole package. It's about being attracted to someone, both personality-wise and physically. A beautiful girl with a horrible personality can be just as unatractive as the other way around.

jael mchenry
7.29.03 @ 3:41p

As I've said before, I believe that women go out with jerks only because JERKS ASK. Nice guys, most of whom are afraid of rejection, are a lot less likely to hook up with or ask out a girl for fear she'll say No. Jerks can rationalize their way into sour grapes in a snap, and therefore have no fear.

I've dated good boys and bad boys in my day, and the good boys had so much of an edge it was barely even a contest.

adam kraemer
7.29.03 @ 4:02p

I didn't mean an edge over the competition. I should have clarified. I meant assholes are edgier. Therefore, more interesting, or at least more intriguing.

heather millen
7.29.03 @ 4:42p

Only for about a minute. Yeah, I know that even I've went through my phases of being intrigued by those people but that gets old quick. Now, if the guy gives even the slightest indication that he's an ass, I walk away. Briskly.


matt morin
7.29.03 @ 5:08p

Are we still talking about how to "bag" a hot chick? Because as far as just hooking up goes, that's not really all that tough. Like Jael said, you mostly just need the confidence to ask.

heather millen
7.29.03 @ 5:23p

Read the fine print. This column is not just about hooking up with a hot chick. It's for achieving any level of a relationship that one could desire.

Although I do know many a man who would not agree that getting a hot chick into bed is the piece of cake you say it is.

matt morin
7.29.03 @ 6:12p

Well, that is the title of your column.

mike mcelligott
7.29.03 @ 6:39p

Listen has gotta be #1. I don't know how many hotties gave me a chance because they thought I was a bad boy and were just floored at how well I listen. Seriously. Clothes come off. It's like the magic of not actually doing anything.

As far as the good guys / bad guys thing, I can just say that I used to be a regular at a bar and I would randomly hook up with many a girl there. As low class as that might be, the thing was that many of the other girls at the bar that had kinda seen me around wanted me much more. Completely nonsensical, imho. Of course, we're not talking your intellectual cream of the crop here.

If anyone's interested there are books on evolutionary biology that attempt to explain the bad boy / nice guy thing (and do a decent job at it). The Moral Animal by Robert Wright is a good one. Also, "A General Theory of Love" has got some interesting stuff about the male/female dynamic.

Getting back to basics: listen. And you don't have to always agree with them either. Just have to understand where they're coming from.

heather millen
7.29.03 @ 6:43p

Well, that is the title of your column.

Well, I don't think of "bagging" as the same as "bedding." Sorry if there was confusion. If that were the case, I'd have named it "How to fuck a hot chick and never have to call her again."


heather millen
7.29.03 @ 6:46p

As for Mike's comment, thank you for the addition. Listening, it's the other half of that magical art of communication women love so much!

matt morin
7.29.03 @ 7:00p

I'm sorry, did you say something?

dana harris
7.30.03 @ 10:29p

whoops, didn't mean to post. um, hi.


dave trawets
7.30.03 @ 11:12p

wow, I guess I stirred it up. Bitter? No, VERY happily married. But I based my opinion on having three awesome sisters, who essentially told me all the things you set out in your piece. And I thought they were pearls of wisdom. Meanwhile, guys who treated girls the exact opposite of all those good suggestions, continued to get the girls to be more than friends. And yes, somewhere, around the mid-twenties, the tide started to turn for me. I agree, that part of it is a numbers game, and when you ask a lot, you don't care so much about the rejection. But the guys who were my role models strictly on the ask-10-girls-one-girl-will-say-Yes strategy, were the lowest kind of a kind, and had no interest in actually having a real relationship with the girl, drinking bottled pop, having arguments about The Breakfast Club, smearing ice cream on each other's noses at the end of a charming montage sequence. And I was. I also base my incredibly broad statement above, on the number of my wife's friends who are models and the total worthless ding dongs they date. It's unbelievable. These guys couldn't be further from the fella you pine for. In fact, I've written a routine for one of the models about the high level of estrogen in a hottie, needing an equal correlation of ball-banging testosterone in a dude. And she does this routine, all the time freely admitting why it's funny to her: because it's not only true for her friends, it's true for HER! She dates what I use to call a "Mickey Rourke." And most of these lame dudes with the WORKING models, have crap jobs and sponge off them. But when you are around them, you get this sense of "maleness" eminating from them, total chemical thing, I AM THE LION, that I think somehow connects with the hyper-girlishness of the hottie. Listening is key, I agree, when it comes to the ladies, but sadly, a lot of these dudes are just BLANK, and I think the girls confuse that for listening. All of these VAST generalizations being said, i still think it's a spectrum, and you can find nice guys, nice girls, etc.

matt morin
7.30.03 @ 11:18p

Dave, you're so right on. Write a book or something, will ya?

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