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i see you!
by dathan wood

I was feeling very patriotic today so I decided to do my civic duty and root out terrorists. Normally, if I were feeling patriotic I would play some baseball or grab a nice big slice of apple pie. Not today though. Today is different because we live under the constant threat of terrorism. It’s terrifying... really.

I started my day on the train and kept a close eye out for any terrorist activities there. OK, I did doze off for maybe five or six stops but I’m sure the terrorism would have woken me up had there been any. At one point a lady behind me started coughing. I paid very close attention because I think that may have been some kind of code. I couldn’t see if she was a terrorist though since she was behind me and I didn’t want to turn around and give myself away. If they know I’m looking for them, they’ll pretend not to be terrorists and that will make my job all the more difficult.

When I got to the office, I kept a close eye on my co-workers. Who knows what they do when they’re not working? They may spend their evenings at terrorist meetings planning to do all sorts of terrible things to destroy my way of life. No one escapes my scrutiny! I scoped out the offices on my floor but didn’t come up with anything. Not a single Muslim artifact to be found. Crafty bastards! How easily they disguise themselves as non-terrorists.

Later that morning I made my way over to Peet’s coffee shop. I let my guard down a bit there because anyone who appreciates a good cup of coffee can’t be all bad and therefore not a terrorist since they, of course, are all bad. No, today at Peet’s we were all Americans sharing the love of a fine cup of coffee on a beautiful fall morning. Note to self: If in danger retreat to Peet’s, it’s a perfect safehouse.

Lunch was the hardest test of the day. I went to Indian food because who doesn’t love Chicken Vindaloo? I was preoccupied with my terrorist watching duties and entered the restaurant without realizing that to the naked eye it is virtually impossible to tell an Indian waiter from a militant Muslim hell bent on destroying my way of life. I had difficulty enjoying my lunch since I knew that at any moment one of the employees might don a turban, pull his sword, and go jihad all over me. Note to self: Google “Fundamentalist Buddhism” regarding possible expansion of terrorist threat.

Back at the office I noticed that a co-worker of mine was whispering into her phone. Could she be more obvious? I would ask our phone technician to tap her line for me but of course I can’t trust him. He drinks tea. I’ll be keeping a much closer eye on her in the future. For all I knew she and the whispering phone people were moments away from finalizing their evil plans to destroy my way of life. It also dawned on me that another co-worker talks very loudly when she’s on the phone. Why? Is she speaking in code and communicating to the terrorist cell that is probably surrounding my office just waiting to lash out at the capitalism and Christianity that permeates the building? Between the two of them, I was smack dab in the middle of the Axis of Evil!

Well dammit I was not going to sit there at my desk and just take it! I grabbed my to-go mug and walked over to Peet’s so I could be among my people. People who use the phone like real Americans! We all spoke in normal tones and enjoyed another fine cup of coffee on a beautiful fall afternoon.

The train ride home was very crowded and I worried that I could be surrounded by terrorists and never know it. I did what any of us loyal Americans should do in this situation and assumed that everyone was a terrorist. I sat by the window and pretended to read a book until I actually did start reading the book and kind of lost track of time. It was a good book, what can I say? It’s very important that we fight terrorism to preserve freedom of the press! Terrorists hate books and I’m sure many are plotting at this very moment to destroy the library, which would have one hell of a negative impact on my way of life.

When I finally arrived at home I took a deep breath and relaxed. I was safe. Then I suddenly realized that home is the most dangerous place of all! The American home epitomizes all that the terrorists despise and therefore it is their most coveted target! I was surrounded by four walls filled to the brim with capitalism! TV’s, computers, cars, porn, and for christsakes I was an altar boy! That has to be public record! How could I ever think I was safe? I had to get out of there!

Here in Alaska in my little tent on the tundra I finally feel like I’m out of danger. I’ve got my trusty assault rifle (yay second amendment!) and I can see for miles in every direction. Anyone foolish enough to come within range is going to have a lot in common with Fifty Cent! Sure I’m roughing it alone, I live off the land and have no phone, electricity, or running water but I’m free! Not like those evil terrorists who are trying to destroy my way of life! Those stupid bastards living in caves in Iraq and Afghanistan with no phones, electricity, or running water… hey wait a minute!


Currently working with Pony Boy on staying gold.

more about dathan wood


it's just business
by dathan wood
topic: humor
published: 6.28.05


jael mchenry
12.5.03 @ 12:43p

"He drinks tea." Awesome!

christi nunn
12.5.03 @ 6:51p

Lord, you crack me up.

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