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i was almost the man once
by dathan wood
2.27.04
pop culture


I can’t believe that I saw him today after five years. More than that, I can’t believe he pretended not to see me! How different would my life have been if he had come through? I can still picture what should have been, taste how close I was. He was going to make me an A-lister. He had the resources and the skills to make it all happen. And out of everyone he chose me. I’ll admit I wasn’t that surprised though. I stepped out of my office onto Market Street looking the part. I had on my sharpest suit, purple silk tie, and an attitude. Minutes after we met I could see the future. I would be somebody... I would have my own posse… an entourage! Like Britney or Puffy we would walk through the crowd, the nobodies shoved out of the way to make room for me. I would walk in my own personal oasis oblivious to the mundane masses swirling around my human force field.

In today’s starfucker society the entourage is an absolute must. Can you image the embarrassment of showing up without one? Do you seriously think Jay-Z could pull up in his SUV, throw the keys to the valet and then walk into the club by himself? The paparazzi would crucify him! Without an entourage you may as well close up shop and move to the ‘burbs. They say it’s all about the benjamins but it’s not, it’s all about the payroll. Fans love to hear about the entourage and the excesses that go with it. You can’t just book a suite these days. The Penthouse? That’s for grandpa. You need to rock a whole floor! Maybe two! Get on the phone with room service and keep the caviar and Cristal coming! By the way, I don’t like the wallpaper in the bathroom, change it while I’m out and keep the maintenance guy on standby because I just might put a chair through the window later on this evening! That’s when you know you’ve made it, when busting up a hotel room garners respect. Without an entourage you’re just a vandal. Having an entourage allows you to make the jump from mere bitch to Diva, from dirtbag to Old Dirty Bastard.

Two definitions for entourage are “to surround” and “one’s attendants”. So literally, to have an entourage is to be surrounded by attendants. An entourage is the ultimate accessory; it goes with everything and is the key to every door. It is the quintessential compliment and symbol of power. You are the bacon and the lettuce and tomato are just there to make you taste even better! You have a group of people there to serve you and sometimes they aren’t even there for a paycheck. The perks are really what keep an entourage rolling. The chance to get on TV, VIP access, keys to the Benzo, and oh yes, wading knee deep into that endless stream of ass. Having an entourage means that you get so much ass that you actually need a team of assistants to keep it all waxed!

I should have known that he saw right through me. I was an easy target. I may have looked like a rising star but he saw me for what I was, a small town kid with big dreams and fortunately for him, hope. Hope that I could be somebody else. Hope that I could be somebody larger than life. In my heart I knew it couldn’t all happen overnight but he made me believe it could. According to him, my new life would start the very next morning! When he asked for money up front I didn’t even flinch. For someone like him I was perfect.... A little naïve and hopped up on desire. I thought, “Who cares about the cost? This is the start of everything I’ve always wanted!” I paid him without even thinking about it. I didn’t even know his last name. I suppose in the end I deserved for it to turn out the way it did. Sure, some people do get the break that makes them a household name overnight but most celebrities need to put in their blood sweat and tears to make it happen. I tried to take the fast track and it backfired. Now I’m just a regular guy doing a regular job. I’m invisible on the street. I wait in lines and pay covers.

Five years ago though, I thought I was on my way. He was so confident, so self-assured. The instant he started talking I saw the flash bulbs going off. He walked right up to me and said, “For a dollar I’ll be your personal bum. I’ll run your errands and I’ll keep all the other bums away from you.”

I never saw him again until today….


ABOUT DATHAN WOOD

Currently working with Pony Boy on staying gold.

more about dathan wood

IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...

i'm just trying to wake up
and someone has to pay
by dathan wood
topic: pop culture
published: 11.7.03





COMMENTS

tracey kelley
3.2.04 @ 11:39a

This is sad and funny at the same time. And taggable!

Intrepid Media: We'll keep all the other bums away from you.

[edited]

dathan wood
3.2.04 @ 11:50a

Well, it certainly wasn't meant to be sad! The last part is actually true though. My dad called that night and asked me how my day went, I said something like, "Works going great and I got my own bum today." We ran that into the ground for a while. And I did see the guy the other day! Bums are pretty resilient.



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