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scientists announce successful clone
of william shatner
by jeff wilder

July 1 2037-In a surprise announcement, Scientists in Rockford Illinois revealed that they have succeeded in producing the first living clone of actor William Shatner.

“We are pleased that this cloning operation was in fact a success and we have the results to prove it,” said Dr. Benjamin Spock XXVI, the chairman of the project, at a press conference.

The Kirk Clone project, which began in the late 2000s, was intended to help ensure the preservation of long dead entertainment franchises. In this case, the franchise in need of preservation was the long running Star Trek series of TV shows, films, books and numerous other aspects of pop culture.

The Star Trek franchise, which had enjoyed a healthy run through the 1960s, 1980s, 1990s and early 2000s, seemed on its last legs. All of the 5 original shows were long cancelled and none of the new shows such as “Star Trek: Starship Repair” and “Star Trek: Outer Space Cuisine With Emeril” seemed to be going anywhere. Then the Kirk Clone project got underway, announcing its intentions of reviving the flagging franchises fortunes by bringing back its main star.

However, Shatner could not be coaxed back as he is too busy with book tours and guest appearances on the Howard Stern radio show. So the project decided to opt for the next best thing and clone the aging Captain James T Kirk.

“Our attempt paid off” Spock said. “We have a Bill who looks just like the old Bill, talks just like the old Bill, is arrogant just like the old Bill and has the same wooden acting abilities just like the old Bill”.

The clone, who will go by the name Bill 2, is already up and walking around and singing appropriately horrible renditions of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” and “Mr. Tambourine Man”.

When asked how his team got the DNA needed for a successful cloning, Spock was mute.

“That’s a doctor patient confidentiality matter and you don’t need to know” he replied.

Reports suggest that the Kirk Clone Project may have gotten the DNA by raiding a drug testing facility that Shatner went to in the late 1990s while preparing for his role in the movie Showtime, a role that showed him giving acting lessons to Robert DeNiro.

Reportedly not best pleased about this bit of news is King George P Bush. Bush and his Inspector General John Ashcroft II are reportedly in talks about the need for a ban on human cloning or more likely, one on cloning past their prime TV hacks.

“This is a tricky situation,” Bush said at a press conference. “The positive side may be outweighed by the negative side. If we’re not careful, we could have clones of Pauley Shore and Rose O Donnell”.

Meanwhile, the project intends to proceed with its plan to get Bill 2involved in the latest addition to the Star Trek Franchise. Entitled “Star Trek Survivor: The Romulan Missions” the show is set to debut in the fall with Bill 2 as host. Avowed Trekkies are invited to apply for an opportunity to appear as contestants on this, the first attempt at a Star Trek reality show.

The real William Shatner, still on a book tour somewhere in the Midwest, could not be reached for comment.


Jeff Wilder is a writer-filmmaker-philosopher who lives south of the south.

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