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floss, the final frontier
don't stick yer finger in a...
by roy clifton daniel

I've decided nothing is more exciting than flossing. Ooh, and it's almost time for it too. Think of the anticipation of the hidden mysteries of surreptitious particulate matter that has clandestined itself and in a moment you're about to discover its identity and stealthy ensconcement. It's high-tech hide and seek. It's the thrill of "Eureka" on a daily basis. It's that war on gingivitis spider hole discovery. No time for an International Tribunal to try the merits of whether said doit has been naughty by creating a subterfuge in the bony matter of your oral micrcosm. Cut and dried, case closed, it's highly inappropriate and must be dealt with swiftly and decisively.

So when's the last time we said to ourselves "Ya know he/she has some really scary looking 'teef', I think I wanna pursue a deeper relationship"? However just how appropriate is it to upon the pre-date or ante-date (or even during the date) interview to ask the question "Sooo, how often do you floss?" or "On a scale of one to ten (with one being 'I'd rather bathe with crocodiles than floss') just how important is dental hygiene to you?"?
What a quandary. C'mon can you really know just what a person does inside their own mouth even when you've been married to them for many years? In the words of the ever so sagacious Dr. Phil, "People, there are just some things we'll probably never know about our mates". Disturbing but veracious. Make it a ritual. Instead of the trite, boring, (nobody really listens and doesn't even care for you to know)'how are you today?' how about "Floss yet?" "How'd it go?" "Anything interesting exhumed?"?

True story. A man in Paducah, Kentucky (I really don't know where, it could have been a land far far away, it could have been Utah, I dunno, I just like to say Paducah, Kentucky) hadn't flossed in years. Ok, it was me and it had been a couple of days and it wasn't Paducah, Kentucky (c'mon say it out loud). I'd been busy, ok. And there it was the most humiliating moment of my short life. Well first of all she was gorgeous, she smelled like a dream and she was approximately 12.5 centimeters from my lips. This is *not* a time for it to be known that I am negligent, nonchalant or even massively clueless when I still have phantasies of being the arm candy of such a dazzling jewel. I believe that our relationship was over about the time she said, "Well look at that". "Ahwhaah?" I freaked. (reader beware of the graphic nature of the content about to be exposed).

It was a portion of a purulent pernicious protective outer seed coat layer of the ubiquitous indigenous middle American grassland plant served copiously at cinematic venues of the genus Zea Mays. How humiliating. What's next, a pastrami on rye tucked ergonomically behind lower lingual molar 3 (disclaimer: writer cannot assume responsibility for any damage to property or loss of life due to inaccuracy of dental terminology)? Oh great, my love life over in a flash. How could I miss such a buccal billboard? An oral boulder? A mouth megalopolis?

Ever since I have embraced the wonder and joy of a daily dental symphony. (Writer plans to add a woodwind and brass accompaniment to the current string section in the near future anticipating increased budget proposals). Meanwhile, I currently have my eye on my real estate agent. I'm keeping my house very clean.

Stay tuned when next time we'll discuss 'Mental Floss, the merits of removing that cumbersome debris from the bony parts of the upper cranium' subtitled: 'Ya need a brain enema ya bonehead' or 'Brain cell garage sale'. Meanwhile don't stick your finger in your nose to get ahead of the game nor in a rapidly spinning object such as a fan or bicycle wheel-- it could hamper your ability to floss adroitly.


Found under a highly creative rock after having been raised by wolves that fostered his nurturing since he was rejected by the flock of penguins that spurned him simply because of a slight mutation... After a brief but ever so traumatic tryst with an Amazon code-authoress he's now back in action (Action Figure Sold Separately)and more dauntless than ever. Morticare tibi Clinicus tibi: 'What don't kill ya kin heal ya'. Mens supera res: Mind over matter- if you don't mind, it don't matter!

more about roy clifton daniel


not yet
i haven't finished waxing
by roy clifton daniel
topic: humor
published: 12.30.99


lisa r
4.20.04 @ 7:24a

I'll never look at flossing the same way again...but I have a brief correction on Zea mays--it's actually of tropical origin, and to make things even more scientific in the spirit of your essay, able to produce copious quantities of carbohydrate compared to other cereal grains due to its reliance on the C4 photosynthetic pathway. It is, however, technically still a grass. ;)

tracey kelley
4.20.04 @ 11:11a


Lisa, scientist, meet Roy, theater dude/chemist.

lisa r
4.20.04 @ 11:34a

Oh boy, someone else with whom I can joust scientifically!

matt morin
4.20.04 @ 11:46a

Scientific jousting? Is that, like, with giant pipettes? Or maybe oversized stir sticks.

dan gonzalez
4.20.04 @ 11:50a

I wish you all would dumb it down for simpletons like me. I can't follow you and your big brains.

tracey kelley
4.20.04 @ 11:56a

I gotcher Bunsen burner, right here.

lisa r
4.20.04 @ 11:58a

Matt--micropippettes with tip ejectors at 20 paces.

Dan--Zea mays is the scientific name for corn. Roy was referring to having a popcorn husk stuck in his teeth after eating some at the movie.

dan gonzalez
4.20.04 @ 12:01p

I knew that. ::whistles inconspicuously.::


matt morin
4.20.04 @ 12:34p

Lisa, I'm the fastest micropippetter in the West. They call me the Autoinjector Kid.

Ok, I think I just took the lab humor too far.


lisa r
4.20.04 @ 1:21p

*ponders wisdom of following current train of thought on Matt's answer*

matt morin
4.20.04 @ 1:33p

Oh, there is rarely wisdom in trying to follow my thought processes. And if you do, it's a short trip - brain to mouth. No meanderings through useless things like social filters.

lisa r
4.20.04 @ 2:58p

No, I meant my thought processes...every response I could think of to your pipette comment lead back down the road in the direction of your condom article. I'm trying desperately to behave.

roy daniel
4.20.04 @ 4:34p

oooh C4 photo pathway! wow! bet Dr. Atkins hated that one! let the jousting begin Lisa! you first, i insist.
Thanks for the intro Trace! wow Matt: 'Autoinjector Kid'!! (aka Eppendorf-ic Wonder?? or the Fischer Phanatic??) my best title was 'Bedwetter Kid' aka 'PP Boy'. I also love your, "social filters" what a concept! anything interesting exhumed today?

lisa r
4.21.04 @ 8:08p

*flips face protector into place and prepares to mount her trusty lab cart* He probably wasn't too fond of it, Roy. I, however, have great appreciation for the endproduct of the C4 pathway in late summer, preferably picked, shucked, and lightly boiled within a 30-minute time period before being slathered with butter and dusted with a bit of sodium chloride and ground black capsicum.

Then, of course, I end up looking for my dental floss.


roy daniel
4.21.04 @ 9:32p

*slipping on the mid-armed neoprenes and preparing to contain a spill* only need a Kimwipe however-- dilute amylases sluicing from nutrient intake orifice onto labcoat (Pavlovian response to previous piquant word picture) Don't forget the capsicum annuum on that C4 endproduct Lisa.
Ya know i just realized that i didn't make it clear that this was a 'hygienist experience', oh well... Leaves more to the imagination.

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