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random thoughts...
random thoughts while waiting for my internet to be turned back on...
by todd w bush
pop culture

Here are some of the random thoughts that have been circulating through my head as I’ve been without internet, and in the process of moving off base. Enjoy!

Five things I miss about being in the States since I'm in the military overseas:
1) Whenever there’s nothing on TV, I always had “Animal Planet” or “The Discovery Channel” to fall back on. There’s nothing better then being at home on a weekday night, with no games on, no movies on HBO 27, and finding “Predators of the Serengeti” or “Hyenas: Bitch Slapping Da’ Lions All Over Da Hood” on and settling in for the duration.
2) Absolutely, positively NO roundabouts. I can’t stress this point enough.
3) Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s gonna be a gas station every other block. Here in Germany, you’re lucky in every fifth town has one. How these people know when they need to gas days ahead of time is beyond me.
4) Commercials. If I need to explain this one, well, you’ve obviously never watched AFN.
5) Real food. Not fake McDonald’s, not fake Burger King, not German Taco Bell, but real stuff. Before I came to Europe, I thought, “Come on, it’s a French fry, how can you F up a French fry?” Took about five minutes for me to take that statement back.

Remember Teen Wolf? If given the choice between Pamela Wells and Boof, would you have chosen Boof if you were in Scott Howard’s position? Didn’t think so.

I didn’t really think I was getting old the other morning when my knees decided to lock up on me and took an hour to finally start to feel alive again, nor did I think I was getting old when I plucked a gray nose hair, cause surely that was just random, right? But when I realized that O.J. killed Nicole and Ron ten years ago I knew it was time to put in the call to AARP.

Others of you have had gray nose hairs, right? Right?

What’s your favorite song from a movie that never made it on the radio? You know, it’s in a movie you love, every time you see the movie and the song comes on, you start singing it cause you know every word, but then it didn’t ever get played outside of the movie. For me, it’s the song from Rocky IV, when Rocky’s just gotten emasculated by Adrian and he gets into the Lamborghini and goes driving through the empty streets thinking about Apollo. There’s no easy way oouuuuttttt…. There’s no short cut hoooooooommmmeee…. You know you remember it, and yes I know you’ve got it in your head right now. You’re smiling now, but by the time you finish this column, you’ll be hating me.

With all of the talk about Ronald Reagan about either how great a president he was (true) or how lucky he was (totally BS), I noticed that no one was mentioning the greatest moment of the Reagan presidency in terms of pure bravado, humor and just fun times: At one point, before doing a radio interview, Reagan was doing a sound check on the microphone and said, “My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” Of course he had no idea the mike was live and that millions of people heard him, but think how cool that is.

Yes, I know Jennifer Lopez got married for the 18th time. No, I’m not going to make any jokes about it. Come on, I have a little bit of talent for God’s sake. But since we’re on the subject of God, Lord, please let them get divorced, I’ve got September in the office pool.

Random fact that when I learned it completely threw me for a loop: The guy who plays the president on “24” is the same guy who played Pedro Cerrano in Major League. Seriously, I was damn near catatonic for an hour trying to digest that one.

Since I have yet to have kids, I wonder if the mental process goes something like this: “Hmm, well, it’s obvious my son is an athlete cause he just through that lego across the room and didn’t look like a cross between the kid from Jerry McGuire and someone having an epileptic seizure… but he’s dumber than a fence post cause he’s already six and can’t say anything past ‘Da’ and ‘Ma.’ Well… guess he’s gonna be a helluva boxer!”

When I get to be rich, I’ve told many people that I don’t plan to spend a lot of money. No big house, no garage full of cars, etc. But when that day comes, on the off chance that MTV’s “Cribs” comes to my house, I’m getting a framed Scarface poster just so I can fit in. And when they ask me about it, I’ll say, “Well, you know. I gotta represent. Word up, P-Diddy.”

I know some of you chuckled because that last paragraph was kinda funny. Others out there probably have cramps in their sides because they are picturing me saying “Word up, P-Diddy.”

Do you ever think that Mark-Paul Gosselar (Zack Morris from “Saved By The Bell”) thinks back to what Tiffani Amber Theissen looked like when to make out with her every day on the set, and then sees the way she looks now and says to himself, “Son of a bitch!!

On that note, besides Tiffani, Alyssa Milano, and Jennifer Capriati, can you think of any girls who went from “every guy you know is in love with them” status and then inexplicably got even hotter? We talked about it at work for an hour and couldn’t come up with anyone. Well, except for one guy saying “the Olsen twins” but after we called the MP’s, that took care of that problem.

I’ve watched at least two dozen of the “Inside The Actor’s Studio” where the guy asks the guests what their favorite curse word is, and to a person, they all say “fuck.” One of the weirdest, and to me funniest, things about living in Europe is that almost every European I meet would say “shit.” More differences between the Old and New Worlds for sociologists to decipher, huh? And yes, I am a dork.

I wonder why Joey and Phoebe never hooked up. Also, if Joey appears on his new show and doesn’t have the baby chick and baby duck, I’d boycotting it.

Ok, you’re right. I was lying, but damnit I will be pissed!

One of the reasons I want to be a promoter either at a major arena that books concerts, or in the entertainment industry when I get out of the Air Force is so that I can repeatedly giggle at stuff like putting the 12 dozen white roses in J.Lo’s dressing room and then taking one out right before she arrives, and watching 50 Cent search for words after I ask him, “70% of the universe is made up of something called ‘dark energy’ but no one knows what it is. What are your thoughts?”

Now that I am officially off base and living on the economy (in a house that resembles something Pablo Escobar might have lived in), I’ve learned several important things about German homes: a) it’s impossible to get the shower water to the right temperature, b) it’s impossible to keep those irritating little bugs that are too small to see out of your house, and c) analog phone connecters and 220-volt power are two of the stupidest ideas to ever come out of a human brain. Seriously, who ever thought of that shit should be forced to watch a never-ending loop of “Newlyweds” and the final season of “90210” over and over for the next ten years.


Todd's background includes military service, a stint at a movie theater, and getting turned down for a date by Sandra Bullock. All things that make him totally unqualified to be a writer. However, now that he's getting married in November, that might just do it.

more about todd w bush


anya werner
6.11.04 @ 11:46p

What is a roundabout?(other than an old Steely Dan song... ooh, now I am showing my age.)

todd bush
6.11.04 @ 11:50p

A roundabout is what was made famous in the Chevy Chase movie "European Vacation"... as in "Hey kids, look! Big Ben, Parliment."

robert melos
6.12.04 @ 1:00a

I've got to start watching Animal Planet.

Wait until you've got the gray ear hair. Just sayin.

anya werner
6.12.04 @ 1:22a

I hope to never have gray ear hair. In fact, I hope to never have discernible ear hair of any color.
Are you all talking about traffic circles?

robert melos
6.12.04 @ 1:35a

It sounds like it to me. I haven't seen European Vacation, so I'm at a loss.

sloan bayles
6.12.04 @ 12:14p

2) Absolutely, positively NO roundabouts. I can’t stress this point enough.

"Cept in Greenville, SC. Just sayin'.

matt morin
6.12.04 @ 12:52p

Jennifer Capriati???

mike julianelle
6.12.04 @ 5:45p

What is a roundabout?(other than an old Steely Dan song... ooh, now I am showing my age.)

Roundabout is a Yes song. And they're called rotaries.

One more thing: Jennifer Capriati???

todd bush
6.12.04 @ 6:37p

Yes, yes, and for a trifecta, YES... Jennifer Capriati.

We all have our "things"... some like long legs, bubble butts, some get off on arm hair, and I had, and still have, a thing for Jennifer Capriati. I am not an animal!


todd bush
6.12.04 @ 6:39p

And yes, a roundabout is a traffic circle. To Robert Melos... bro, God love ya, but go rent National Lampoon's European Vacation. Chevy Chase has all his pitches working in this one.

mike julianelle
6.12.04 @ 7:34p

No one gets off on arm hair.

todd bush
6.12.04 @ 8:34p

Mike, you'd be surprised what people get off on. I think there's even a "get off" style sight dedicated to toe jam.

dan gonzalez
6.14.04 @ 8:22p

You think? You just happen to think there is one? Come on, who has thoughts like that, perv? Fess up fetish boy!

robert melos
6.14.04 @ 9:08p

Dan, do a google search of adult oriented Yahoo groups, and you'll be shocked, or amused, or possibly excited by the diversity of fetishes that exist in our world. I'm not just talking plain old vanilla fetishes, but things so complex and detailed it actually blows my mind.

Of course you could just watch an episode of Real Sex and get a feel for the bizarre fetishes that are going on out there under your very nose. Speaking of wish, you have a mustache, don't you? There's a whole group of people out there who pretty much would either worship you or lust after you for that alone. If you don't have a mustache, there's a group for you also.

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