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the billy crystal theory
one day, this will be a law
by todd w bush

One night I was out at our local hot spot here on base in Germany, and I was having a discussion with a female friend of mine. In one of those lulls in the conversation that is normally reserved for changes in the subject, she randomly says, "I can't get laid. I just can't." Fighting off every instinct in my soul to hold up my hand and volunteer (she's a hot girl), I told her that she was crazy. She gave the obligatory smile and said thanks for the compliment. Undaunted, I forged ahead like Lewis and Clark. "No," I said. "I don't mean you are crazy because you're a beautiful girl, I mean you are crazy because any girl can get laid, you don't have to be beautiful. Women have it easy!" Thankfully, she didn't immediately empty her Crown and Coke into my face, but queried as to what the hell I was talking about. It was at that moment that I introduced "The Billy Crystal Theory."

Developed through many repeated viewings of the movie City Slickers and from a lifetime of being a dedicated people-watcher, the Billy Crystal Theory is as tried and true as any scientific theorum in the waning months and years before it gets turned into a law. It has yet to be proven wrong in numerous tests.

If you remember from the movie, Billy and his buddies take a trip to a cattle ranch. Once there, they meet a lovely lady who will also be helping push the cattle from Texas to Colorado. After several run ins with the less than gracious cowboys who will be assisting in the cattle drive, the woman thanks Billy for her help. Billy responds by telling her he's married; his buddy Ed doesn't think that's wise because Ed clearly wants to bang said lovely lady. Later, sitting around a campfire, Billy once again is polite to the woman and Ed accuses him of flirting, and asks if he wouldn't take the opportunity to "screw her brains out." The next 2.1 seconds give the world one of the most brilliant lines ever uttered on the silver screen and give us the basis for our Theory. Billy says, "See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."

Yes, my friends, truer words were ne'er spoken. All women who have cried in bed, or ruined a guy's shirt with runny mascara, pay attention. Stop your crying and liquid cork those tears. Never should a woman say "I can't get laid." Because of their psychological make-up, 99.9% of women need a definate reason to go out and have sex, and "because I'm horny" generally isn't the reason. Whether it's because of a break-up, an incident at work, a load of stress in their lives, or to celebrate cleaning house at a 50% off sale at a shoe store, they have to have a reason. Just the way things work, guys, and we know it.

Now, conversely, men do not need a reason to go have sex. Old Faithful only needs to see the hint of a tit and wa-BANG!! We are ready to go. And for some reason, once the remotest opportunity arises to park at a pink taco stand, standards and preconceived notions that were so carefully planned and thought out several hours earlier are gone like Elizabeth Berkley's career after Showgirls. Reason? Ha! We laugh at needing a reason. Need proof? Get out of the house more. But when Meg said "Take me to bed or lose me forever," Goose didn't ask for a reason, he just said, "Show me the way home, baby."

With women needing a reason, and men just needing a place, any woman who wants to get laid need only find a dick that meets her standards. It's not hard to find a dick ladies, roughly 50% of the population has one (over that, if you count the random hermaphrodite that's walking around), you just need to find one that meets the right look, size, and "type" you're looking for. Men, on the other hand, need to find that one woman with a reason to fuck before we get anywhere close to our goal. Then we have to fight off the hundred or so other guys who want to find the very same woman. Unfortanately some women make it obvious, and the men are on her like a fat kid on a Ding-Dong.

In conclusion, women, then next time you are out at the club or sitting at home bumming with Ben and Jerry, wondering how come you can't get anyone to patronize your tacos, remember the Billy Crystal Theory, and just put up the "Open" sign. Believe me, customers will come. Oh yes, men will come.


Todd's background includes military service, a stint at a movie theater, and getting turned down for a date by Sandra Bullock. All things that make him totally unqualified to be a writer. However, now that he's getting married in November, that might just do it.

more about todd w bush


flirting with flirting
it's an art and a science, but most of all, it's fun...
by todd w bush
topic: humor
published: 6.19.04

my friend jimmy
some weirdness is a good thing
by todd w bush
topic: humor
published: 8.13.04


sloan bayles
6.19.04 @ 9:28a

I thought this was definetly going to be the When Harry Met Sally reference. How men can't be just friends with women. The alterior motive is always lurking in the backround.

robert melos
6.19.04 @ 8:31p

I don't know about this. I agree that hormones play a big part in the overall conquest, but some men need more than just a willing partner. We too need a partner to fit our criteria of looks, size, type. Granted we don't need any more of a reason than a willing partner who meets our criteria, but there is criteria involved. And sometimes handcuffs.

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