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brainwashed: a press release
the ultimate in ultimate game shows
by robert a. melos

From the people who brought you Witness Protection Makeovers, and Intimate Lives Of Inmates Wives, come the ultimate makeover show. Brainwashed.

That’s right, coming to you this fall, watch each week as a lucky contestant is abducted from their home and whisked away to a formerly secret government location where they will undergo intensive mind altering “therapy” to erase every single memory of their former dull lives, and replace them with an entirely new persona.

With host Shannon Doherty, talk about being brainwashed, the contestants will be taken into entirely new lives, and in some cases new families.

“I swear I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Miss Eugenia Poduk of Allentown Pennsylvania, formerly Mrs. Catherine Whitmore of Los Angeles California. “I was born and raised right here in Allentown. I’ve never heard of this Catherine Whitmore. You say she had a husband and three children? I’m sorry you can’t seem to find her, but I swear I’m not her.”

Donald Whitmore and his new wife, 23 year-old former cheerleader Leelah Foy, are very happy for the success of the television production, and the chance to be together since the dragon lady had her memory erased leaving them all the opportunity to find happiness without the messy divorce or possible murder trial had Catherine not become a contestant on Brainwashed.

The brainchild of Donald Whitmore, a middle-aged, low-level television executive, Brainwashed was conceived out of a need to avoid the trauma of a financially devastating divorce, and the desire to be with his 23 year-old girlfriend who he met when she and his daughter were college roommates at UCLA Berkley. “I knew I couldn’t kill her like Scott Peterson had done, as much as I occasionally want to. After all, we did have three children together, and I really didn’t hate her all of the time,” said Whitmore.

“Catherine changed as we matured. Hell, I’ll say it. She let herself go,” he whined. “After the first kid, Catherine never even tried to lose the weight. Then she started to watch television more often. Granted with my being an industry executive it was kind of nice that she took an interest in my work, but she started watching other networks. I sort of felt betrayed.”

Whitmore explained that with each successive child, Catherine became more distant and less interested in him as a husband. He lamented the lack of a sex life with his former wife was among the reasons he started coming up with the concept of Brainwashed. “I tried to use the show as a means of making Catherine more interested in her appearance, and more interested in the type of things I like to do sexually. That’s when I found out there were actual limits to the process of brainwashing, even with all our advanced drug therapies and mind altering research.”

His children, 23 year-old Connie, 21 year-old Douglas, and 19 year-old Devlin seem very accepting of the entire concept. “Its super to have a mom who doesn’t care how much pot I smoke, or who I sleep with,” said Connie.

“Mom used to be on my case every minute of the day,” said Douglas, “but now that she doesn’t remember me, I don’t have to put up with her always riding my ass about things like cleaning up around the house, or hanging out with my friends.”

Young Devlin has mixed emotions on his mother’s brainwashing experience. “Most of the time I’m pretty happy about it,” he said. “I mean, when I stay out all night or have a girlfriend sleep over dad doesn’t even notice, but mom always was nagging me about responsibility and crap. I do miss her always giving me money when I needed to borrow a few bucks, but my new mom is way hot looking and she gives me cash.”

Women’s interest groups, human rights groups, and the FBI are already investigating the legality of the soon to be a hit television series, while several special interest groups are already clamoring for special editions of the program and applications to have husbands or wives, or annoying teenagers, become contestants.

“I’ve got a hit on my hands,” Whitmore said. “All I wanted was freedom to be with my Leelah. I never expected this to be such a phenomenon. We’re already talking about doing editions unique to each country. The international chatter is that this could be bigger than Queer Eye or Survivor.”

While some groups are protesting the already popular-before-it-is-aired game show there doesn’t seem to be as much descent as might be expected. With identity theft a popular pastime in this modern age, the prospect of getting rid of a spouse without divorce or murder being employed as the means to an end, stealing a person’s memories and replacing them with entirely new ones doesn’t seem to raise an eyebrow in the more conservative financial and religious circles.

Lawsuits that have sprung up from the planned series have been dropped or tossed for lack of real interest on the part of the legal system and the reluctant defendants.

“I’ve been pretty lucky,” Whitmore said, from his new Beverley Hills mansion. “I’m just a guy who had an idea. It’s all in the timing, I always say.”

Look for Brainwashed on Fox this fall.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

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tracey kelley
9.3.04 @ 12:37p

I would laugh so much harder at this if I didn't think it was right around the corner.

As far as "reality" tv goes, I only watch Nick and Jessica (because rolling in her stupidity lessens my envy of her 25-year-old breasts, and Nick is some sweet eye candy) and Queer Eye, which despite its appearances, I consider a "reality" show.

The reason why I find both of these shows entertaining is because they are, for the most part, harmless, funny and, in the case of Queer Eye, positive. Both are like eating cotton candy - it's sweet, it doesn't last long, and for the most part, doesn't lay a lot of fat on you.

Other reality shows are vultures, praying on the fear, deceit and insecurities of others, and I have no time for that in my life.


robert melos
9.3.04 @ 11:42p

Have you seen the Queer Eye UK Edition? Wednesday nights at 10PM.

I've wondered if Jessica is really that dumb, or if it was all an act?

rachel levine
9.6.04 @ 11:10p

I love Shannon Doherty.
Any execs call you in attempt to make it happen yet. Take me to your leader.

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