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grr! argh!
if you're not angry yet, what's wrong with you?
by russ carr (@DocOrlando70)
10.25.04
general

I'm mad. It's true. Quite mad, actually. No, not in the barmy-up-the-cream-bum-and-jam noodly-oodly-oodly way.

I'm LIVID. At you.

You're in my way. Get out of my way. Come on. COME ON! MOVE! Could you imagine that SOMEone else wants to BUY SOME YOGURT today OTHER than YOU?! Has that thought crossed your feeble little synapses, or are you busy trying to translate "Yoplait" into English?

I would love to be not mad. But it's inescapable. The world is throwing it all back in my face. Everyone. You.

What are you doing up there? Come on, nutjob, you CAN'T GET TRAVELER'S CHECKS FROM AN ATM! Or are the four simple digits of your PIN simply too much math for you to process?! Card in! Buttons pressed! Money out! DO IT! DO IT!

I don't know where or when it all went sour. When the world started jumping up and down on my last nerve. When I started sweating the small stuff, and popping nitro tablets to deal with the bad stuff. I was still fine in college. No worries. No big deal. Tomorrow's another day. All that shiny, happy crap. I could sit at a bar and cough good-naturedly through your cigarette smoke. I could listen to your liberal proselytizing and still enjoy my coffee.

Now I want you out of my way, Chumley.

After all, it's RIGHT TURN ON RED, or are you COLORBLIND as well as slow?

I know you're furious, too. You're one pitch away from an aneurysm.

What the hell are you doing? Pitching to (Beltran/Pujols/Matsui/Jeter/A-Rod)?! Are you freaking INSANE?

Lemme cheer you up. They feel the same way about you.

"I don't give a (bleep) about the fans anymore." -- Brett Hull, Detroit Red Wings
"(the sound of a bottle being thrown into the stands)" -- Milton Bradley, LA Dodgers


Everyone everywhere is mad as hell, and it's building up like a Mt. St. Helens lava dome. Thirty years ago, Howard Beale told us to stick our heads out the window and yell about it. What good will THAT do?

Damn neighbors already make enough noise, with their kid and that...that...DOG that WON'T shut up. And that bitch that honks her horn at 7:15 every morning because she's so damn lazy she won't even ask her kid to run to the door and ring the bell!

Turn on the TV! Feed on the sweet teat of vitriolic video. You're FIRED! You're STUPID! Get OUT OF MY OFFICE! YOU are the WEAKEST LINK! That's not SINGING, that's a ferret with its hindpaws being run over BY A LAWNMOWER! Outwit! Outlast! Out-connive! Out-and-out betrayal! More! MORE!

And that's not "Survivor," that's ELECTION '04! If you're not pissed off enough already, it's probably because you're too clueless to figure out that we're in the middle of a custody battle between our two parents, Angry Republican Dad and Needy Democrat Mom. The poison's gushing out, flooding the airwaves with scarcely-concealed hatred. This isn't about leading the country, it isn't about the future of America. Don't vote for me because I've got a plan, vote for me because I'M NOT HIM! He waffles! (He flubs!) He lies! (HE lies MORE!)

You're both a couple of hypocritical powermongers who swallow media events like Viagra! You would both crap your pants if suddenly you lost your life of privilege, your money, your power. Four more years devoted to mediocrity and bureaucratic masturbation. I. Can't. Wait. I'm Russ Carr, and I did NOT approve this farce!

And then it trickles down. Well-publicized celebrity hate! Jon "Butt Boy!" Stewart hates Tucker "Dick!" Carlson. Lindsay Lohan hates Hilary Duff. Everybody hates Raymond. And Dr. Phil.

But Martha, if you're reading this? I still love you.

The kid is throwing toys at my head. The cat is sitting in front of my monitor and won't stop yowling at me. The pregnant wife is eating again. Or in the bathroom. Or asleep. The toilet's clogged. The dishwasher won't fill. The dishwasher won't drain. The wireless mouse sucks batteries dry faster than a desperate housewife. The network's down; is it my router or my ISP? They cut our health insurance and spin it as saving us money. They're selling our building. They're selling our company. They're selling out. I get the car fixed and a block away from the mechanic's, the check engine light comes on.

The next time you turn in front of me without using a turn signal, I will follow you home, no matter how far away that may be. I will wait for you to stop and park and get out of your car, and then I will pull out my shotgun and put two barrels into each of your tail lights.

Or maybe just you.


I sit and drink my steaming, soothing, spicy chai and watch my son play. I curl up on the porcelain floor of the bathtub, with the warm shower scouring me clean and drowning out the sounds of the house, the neighborhood, the world. I stand in church and sing the hymns and find my center and ask forgiveness for my rage and beg for patience to deal with it all.

And it works. For a time.

And then it's Monday, and it's 7:15, and the car horn sounds and I seethe again.


ABOUT RUSS CARR

If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.

more about russ carr

IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...

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topic: general
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we are 'go' for first stage separation
by russ carr
topic: general
published: 8.24.07





COMMENTS

robert melos
10.25.04 @ 12:55a

Reading this was like looking into a mirror. You captured my life, except for the pregnant wife.

I am angry, and it's something I don't like about myself, but yet each day someone sets me off. I try to fluff it all off as a joke, but I have the anger inside. It's building up to the point of continuous acid burning sensations in my stomach.

So do you think it will end with the election, or is this the way things are going to be from now on?

tracey kelley
10.25.04 @ 8:37a

Am I supposed to be laughing?

'Cause I am.

I feel the same way about driving. Truly. I simply boil over when I'm driving. It's not pretty.

But yesterday, while I was talking to strangers about important research that benefits them but no one wants to participate in, a woman started yelling at me "The answer is NO! NO NO NO NO NO!"

And I just busted out laughing. I'd never done that before, but she was so indignant, that I found it hysterical. SO MAD - like I had asked her to strip off her clothes and prance nekkid down the street carrying a pig and throwing out $100 from her own savings account.

And so I laughed. Which only mad her more pissy. Then I thanked her for her time and her views, and calmly stood in her driveway writing my notes while she continued to rave on in the house.

mike julianelle
10.25.04 @ 9:40a

"(the sound of a bottle being thrown into the stands)" -- Milton Bradley, LA Dodgers

HA!

jael mchenry
10.25.04 @ 11:00a

There is just something hilarious about "Chumley."

Dude, calm down. It's ooookay.

mike julianelle
10.25.04 @ 12:10p

What's the point of this anger? Nothing but impotent rage. Cheer up!

adam kraemer
10.25.04 @ 12:23p

A quote from an e-mail a friend of mine wrote:
We go to McDonald’s. The woman in front of me in line spends more than 5 seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT’S THE GODDAMN MCDONALD’S MENU, IT’S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT’S ALL MCSHIT! JUST ORDER!"

sloan bayles
10.25.04 @ 12:34p

And the people who have to saunter in a Y formation in front of you in the mall, and the blasted teenagers driving to school, who, god forbid will let you cross over to get in your lane of traffic, and people who first and second language is not English who work at ever frickin' drive thru, and my cat who won't stop meowing at me to let him out, an dthen meow's to come back in.....

And we wonder why people stand in bell tower's with uzi's...I don't wonder anymore. I'm on my way down to State's bell tower.

erik myers
10.25.04 @ 1:22p

I used to get angry at a lot more (now I just get angry at stupid people), but for the most part, when I'm really impatient with people I just stop and ask myself, "What the hell am I in such a rush about?"

If there's a clear answer -- okay, maybe I'll seethe, but 90% of the time, the answer is something like, "Work."

Hey, if I'm 3 minutes late, is it really going to be that big a deal? Nah. Fuck it. I'll be late. If it's that much of an issue I'll take 3 minutes off of my lunch break.

I think people need to relax a hell of a lot more. That's what I think.

jael mchenry
10.25.04 @ 2:08p

Yes, but when people are STANDING STILL in the middle of the sidewalk in Georgetown, I just really want to yell "OVER THERE! STAND OFF TO THE SIDE!"

I just hate walking slow, anyway. Especially in the Metro. I'm not traveling for my amusement, I'm trying to get somewhere.

Wow, now I'm angry. And this coming from a woman who bruised the holy living hell out of her shins Saturday doing what? Rushing down a staircase.

mike julianelle
10.25.04 @ 2:27p

I HATE WALKING SLOW. And I HATE being behind a slow walker, especially since they are usually totally oblivious. It kills me. KILLS ME!!!!!!!!!

russ carr
10.25.04 @ 2:53p

Well, and that's the thing, isn't it? With most of the impatient anger, at least. We wonder why people don't have a lick of common sense, or any kind of perception of how they're bogging down the world around them. This goes double now for cellphone zombies, who seem to have NO CLUE that there's anything going on outside of a one foot radius of their head. It's like virtual blinders; their eyes are not literally covered, but they have so successfully tuned out the rest of the world that their other senses fail to operate.

You're all fatty cholesterol deposits in the arteries of my life!

heather millen
10.25.04 @ 3:22p

I'm a slow walker. I prefer to think of it as "STROLLING." However, when I am in a hurry, people like be bug the living shit out of me!

juli mccarthy
10.25.04 @ 6:45p

Oh yeah, the people who fail to realize they're three-dimensional. Or they realize that THEY are three-dimensional, but fail to take into account the fact that their shopping carts, purses, and children are ALSO three-dimensional. I hate those people.

I hate the people who insist on walking or driving in front of me, then slow down. Or stop. Grrr.

I hate the grocery store checker who deems it necessary to CHAT with me, fergossakes. Just ring the friggin' groceries, if you please.

And where does all this hatred get me? Nowhere, and r e a l s l o w l y at that. Grrr. Argh.


john chase
10.26.04 @ 7:44a

Russ, thanks for the heads-up on your column. I haven't been over here (intrepid media) for a while... RL! Plus, I must say, I've fallen in with the folks at the message board at ghosts.org. But anyway...

It goes without saying (for those who know me, RGC) that I can identify 101% with this frustration. Blood clots, they're all blood clots!

Yet unlike you, I have mellowed with age, and with divorce (which is a perpetual kick in the pants). Most of my anger now is directed towards my ex who would rather take the children out of their own home after school and place them in a strangers home than agree to a child support compromise. And most of my prayers are laced with more colourful metaphors. But enough about me.

Again, well written, love the ending, I feel your pain, bro. I hope and pray you (and everyone else) never have to feel mine.

Pax.

russ carr
10.26.04 @ 9:05a

And to you, brother.

So last night I recognize yet another insidious means of perpetuating the anger. We're a week away from the election, and the networks are gearing up their coverage and packaging it all with new theme music and the ever-present all-encompassing title.

NBC has chosen to go to eschew an innocuous, non-inflammatory title like "Election '04" or "Decision '04" or similar. No, their coverage is called "BATTLEGROUND AMERICA!" This isn't an election, it's WAR, MISTER!

tracey kelley
10.26.04 @ 12:09p

Oh, fercrissakes. Broadcast television sucks.

I thought about this column yesterday while I waited at the post office at 4;45pm, when time stands still at the post office, yet it is filled to capacity.

So, I'm standing there, just trying to be patient. There are precisely four (4) signs in the waiting area that state: PLEASE RESTRICT CELL PHONE USE TO LOBBY AREA. Which means, not in the waiting area.

So some Sammy Hagar wannabee strolls in, sunglasses on (and it's cloudy, and indoors) and is yapping away on the cell phone. Everyone else? Quiet. So we can all hear his inane conversation about his upcoming cruise to Cancun, the free drinks, his wife's new bikini, the last time he was there he got so drunk, etc.

This went on for the 15 minutes I stood in line, and paid for my package.

All of us. Four (4) signs. It took every fiber of my being not to step out of line, stand directly in front of him and stare right at him as he talked. See, I figure if you need to talk that much, that loudly, you won't mind if I lean in to really get the full conversation.

What I did do, however, is have a delightful conversation with the postal teller about people who can't read and loudly talk on cell phones. She said she doesn't like it when they continue talking while she's trying to wait on them. People in line snickered.

[edited]

russ carr
10.26.04 @ 1:24p

One day, I don't know exactly what the circumstances will be, but I will snatch someone's cell phone from their ear, and either 1) chuck the thing as far as I can, preferably into oncoming traffic or a nearby body of water; 2) run over it with my car or grind it under my foot; 3) drop it in the lobster tank, or a soup pot at the grocery store. I can't think of a single invention in the past century that has engendered such utter self-centeredness and disregard for each other.

Plus, are you really so helpless that you've gotta call your wife from the soup aisle to tell you what kind to buy?

dan gonzalez
10.26.04 @ 8:24p

Plus, are you really so helpless that you've gotta call your wife from the soup aisle to tell you what kind to buy?

In a word, YES. It's called focus, or lack thereof. That thing saves my ass in the grocery store.

So your old lady lets you out without a cell phone? Damn, how long you been married? 'Cause mine won't let me go anywhere without a celly. One time, I went the 'store' and ended up at the neighborhood pub watching hockey with the guys. She was not happy when I finally answered. So I said "I forgot milk" since the bar was next to a UDF. She didn't buy it and I got reamed, but it bought me some time.

russ carr
10.26.04 @ 9:12p

I don't even OWN a cellphone, primarily because then I'd be hypocritical in my wrath, and secondarily because that way my wife can't reach me!

dan gonzalez
10.26.04 @ 11:07p

Remember what Mary said above though, it is possible to be cheerful and angry, and the best way to do that is to be as hypocritical in your wrath as possible and then laugh at people who point that fact out.

Gonzo: Dumb ass cellphone driver!
Mrs. Gonzo: You have a cellphone, in your hand, RIGHT NOW!
Gonzo: Don't I totally suck? LAUGHS MANIACALLY!

robert melos
10.26.04 @ 11:10p

The fact that NBC has renamed the skating rink at Rockefeller Center Democracy Plaza has me both angry and nauseous. I'd like to see Brokaw skate out and break something.

russ carr
11.4.04 @ 10:12a

That "steaming, soothing, spicy chai"? Bleeding me dry! A pumpkin spice bagel, dollop of hazelnut cream cheese and (at best 10 oz, but too much foam) chai latte at Panera - $5.74! More than half of which is the chai! WHY?! What's so expensive about premixed gloppy milk product and scalding hot tea poured in a THIN STYROFOAM CUP WHICH ALL BUT MELTED TO MY HAND that you need to charge $3.25 for it? Barista? No, BARABBAS!

And the only reason I stopped for the chai and bagel was to settle my nerves after the near-death experience of my commute. Now in our fourth day of non-stop drizzle, why do you believe that it's any safer to swerve into my lane -- sans signal, natch! -- and slam on your brakes? My next car is going to be a '65 Buick Roadmaster so I can TAKE YOU OUT next time you try that. Try slamming on the brakes when my big block 425 is shoving you off the nearest overpass! ahhhHA HA hA Ha HA!

The bright side? I'm glad I didn't get the chai BEFORE that joker pulled in front of me, else I'd be screaming about the blisters burned into my flesh from when the cup went airborne.

tracey kelley
11.4.04 @ 10:39a

Heh heh - M* hates Panera for this very reason - he thinks they're a ripoff.

But a pumpkin bagel with hazelnut....mmmmm, tasty!

What is it about drizzle? I went to the bank and the post office two days ago, and was nearly hit three times by people running stop signs, pulling out in parking lots, and racing ahead to get into the single construction lane. I was out in the wet little gray world for 20 mintues, and my life passed before my eyes 3 times.

sloan bayles
11.4.04 @ 2:10p

Don't be dissin' my Panera now. The asiago loaves are to die for, and the cinnimon rolls and bear claws are tasty. It's the snivlets in line who can't make up their freakin' mind I want to shoot.

robert melos
11.4.04 @ 10:16p

Don't forget the cinnimon scones. Panera in gerneral is average for prices in my area, but it's the morons whom I encounter after a pleasant moment with a scone or bear claw, that make me what to go on a shooting spree.



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