Let me start here by letting you know just how much I love my wife. I've known her half her life. Mother to my two wonderful boys. The gorgeous blonde I always considered out of my league in college. My honeybunny. My shmoopy.
But here's my confession. All love aside, I still get crushes. Infatuations, to use a more adult word. Only my predilections take a decided twist. Not really kinky, but you be the judge.
I have a thing for high school girls.
But not just any high school girls. Truth is, I'm rarely around any kids over about three years old these days. So who? Well, as Dr. Lecter pointed out, we begin by coveting what we see every day. Or in my case, once or twice a week. All my nymphets are on the networks. Smart, sexed-up sophomores and such, all characters on television or in the movies.
And it all made sense when I was younger. What straight guy circa 1986 didn't think Ferris Bueller was a righteous dude because he got the ravishing Sloane Peterson? But I was 16 then, so it was okay, right? Thing is, I kept getting older. The girls didn't.
So now I'm 35. My old crushes aren't around anymore, not even in reruns. Could I move on? Start jonesing for Kate, the cutie criminal on Lost? Slinky spy Sydney Bristow (or her cute sister Skip...er...Nadia) on Alias? Even that goth M.E. chick on Navy CSIS?
Nah. I've just found a new crop of Lolitas to long for. So it's out with the old, and in with the new. At least I can take comfort in the fact that the actresses playing these roles are all well over 18...
THE OLD: Willow Rosenberg. Girls like Willow don't come around very often. In five seasons of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer," Willow got more character development than anyone else on the show, transforming from a cute-but-awkward geek to a desirable, self-assured Wiccan. She made smart girls sexy while the rest of TV was chasing vapid cheerleaders. (Oz, you were one lucky dog. Wolf. Whatever.) Then came season 6, and they turned her into a psycho crack whore. And in season 7 she was a skittish shadow, throwing herself at cranky underage Slayer-wannabes. You were my dream girl, Willow, but you broke my heart like a yellow crayon.
THE NEW: Veronica Mars. Wow. It pains me to quote teenybopper sellout Liz Phair's recent album, but if the line fits, use it. "Isn't this the best part of breaking up -- finding someone else you can't get enough of?" Veronica Mars is TV's girl in the red dress; a stunning blend of spunk and sarcasm, punctuated with an occasional jaw-dropping entendre. Every week, this bright blonde bends everyone around her to her invincible will; she's the dominatrix of Neptune High. She'd eat those OC girls for brunch and still have room for waffles. That's power. And power is sexy. But, like Willow, she retains a healthy dose of geekitude; she uses an iBook, after all.
THE OLD: Daria Morgendorffer. Daria and I go way back. Back to when MTV was still worth watching, if only for half hour increments. Daria was my premarital animated crush. She had that frumpy granola grrl look to her, but pulled it off in a way that, say...Enid from Ghost World...could not. Sardonic and more than a bit melancholy. Again, smart. Again, geeky. Again, unconventionally cute. But with a bigger nonconformist streak. And that whole mini-skirt and combat boots thing going on. Maybe it was because I sort of dated a slightly bitter, disenfranchised, neurotic girl at the same time. Daria was the same way, but I could turn her off with a click of the remote.
THE NEW: Kim Possible. Here's the sitch: Plucky Ms. Possible is my secret shame. Yeah, she's in high school, but the show is clearly aimed at 'tweeners with no clue as to what the big leagues are all about. I mean, really, she started out on the DISNEY CHANNEL, which is for, like...10 YEAR OLDS or something. That said, KP's got my full attention on Saturday mornings. She's an ass-kicking Syd Bristow without all the baggage. Buffy without the sulking. And unlike all these other girls: no geeky, no awkward. Kim Possible is all about the sexy. When she's in school, she's frequently in her cheerleader uniform. When she's on a mission, she runs around in hip huggers and a belly-baring tee. In fact, I can't remember an outfit I've seen her wear that didn't show off her cute little navel. Like Willow, she's a redhead, too...all hips and lips and those big green eyes...
THE OLD: Veronica Sawyer. You know what she wanted? Cool guys like me out of her life. I obliged. Veronica was all the pent up frustration of high school packed into a wide-eyed pixie of a girl. The scowling lips, the pale skin, the keen eye with a .44 -- I was breathless. But like so many other girls I knew, Veronica had some serious self-esteem issues. Every time she had a chance to make something of herself, she slipped. She fell back into the same rut. Veronica, dearest, I was ready to go on to some Ivy League school with you, to dance to the Knack and drink Rolling Rock in your tiny apartment. But I bet you just ended up at community college.
THE NEW: Veronica Sawyer. Okay, some relationships take longer to get over. And some never really end. But really, what is there? The big screen high school heroines just aren't there anymore. Yeah, like I mentioned earlier, there was Enid, but Ghost World was post-high school (not that there's anything wrong with that). High school girls in the movies these days are either cranky and bitchy or clueless and preoccupied, until the Anvil of the Important Lesson drops on 'em. How very. So while I'm still in pain, I'll always remember Veronica naked in a sleeping bag, her breath curling vapor over the dewy grass. Or getting smacked in the head with a croquet ball, all dolled up and brutally 80s. She never blew me off. Or up. It must be love.
So there's my dirty little secret. I figure I'm not that bad. I didn't rush out to see Showgirls just so I could see Bayside High's own Jessie Spano get naked. And Barenaked Ladies, hey, those guys have the Sailor Moon fetish, and those girls are way younger! Maybe I'll grow old enough to grow out of it someday. Maybe TV and movies will become such a dumbed-down sick, sad world that I won't get a new generation of sexybrainy girls to entertain me.
But maybe by then they'll have Daria on DVD.
If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.
ABOUT RUSS CARR
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
3.23.05 @ 9:05a
Premise-wise, I could have written this. If you took out the animated chicks and added more profanity, that is.
3.23.05 @ 10:03a
Kim Possible is pretty damn hot. As is Willow.
Redheads, y'know. I've got this thing.
Except for Daphne. Too vapid. I always had a thing for Velma. Underneath that frumpy orange sweater you can tell she's a tiger in the sack.
3.23.05 @ 10:12a
Yeah, but as is your common luck, we've all speculated for years that Velma plays for Willow's team.
I never understood why, when they revamped Scooby Doo a few years back, that they kept Daphne and dropped Velma and Fred. What hold did Shaggy have over her to keep her around, when the brains of the group, and the good looking guy (scarf nothwithstanding) ditched?
3.23.05 @ 10:51a
A reader from Craigslist just indirectly reminded me of a potential movie alternate:
She's old enough by now, right?
3.23.05 @ 11:36a
Oh, Hermione! My goodness!
I was trying to come up with the male counterparts for this delightful little fantasy...but high school boys in fiction are tough.
I was an 80s Spader fan, 'cause he was such a naughty boy, and
I really liked the blonds back then. Now that he's very much a man, he's still pretty naughty.
But that's the only one I can think of off the top of my head.
Speaking of HP, though, I do have a giant soft spot for Ron. I can't quite explain it - I just find him adorable.
3.23.05 @ 12:16p
She's old enough by now, right?
NO! She is a year younger than my daughter. I'm having a tough enough time with this teenager thing. It's already started to happen - grown men don't realize immediately that she is 15, because she looks older.
This is a hard column for me. I have no trouble separating fiction from reality, and I know that you don't, either, Russ - but all the same, it forces me to face up to the fact that my child is very much represented on TV and in movies as a sexual being, and I am SO not ready for that.
3.23.05 @ 12:37p
Tracey, that's exactly where I was with it. Other than Jesse Bradford (Bring It On, Swimfan) and Nicholas Brendon (Buffy), I can't do much high school boy lusting. And, as with the ladies Russ discusses, they're playing high school but they're really at least 23.
Can I be the first to quote Dazed & Confused? "I keep gettin' older, they stay the same age."
3.23.05 @ 12:47p
I thought Rick Schroeder on NYPD Blue was really something, but somewhere in the back of my brain he's still five years old, with tears running down his face crying, "No, Champ! Don't say that!"
3.23.05 @ 12:54p
Jael, when I was considering guys (for all of 0.2 seconds) of the same variety, I immediately flashed to Swimfan.
But then, there was no lack of beefage on 90210, or its 21st century counterpart, The OC...and they're always eager to rip Clark's shirt off over at Smallville.
At least all my girls are smart.
3.23.05 @ 12:54p
Juli, didn't you tell Matt that a sleazy musician was checking Kate out at a concert? Yikes!
3.23.05 @ 12:58p
Not only checking her out, but basically pulled her from the crowd to talk to her. The main reason I was not completely freaked out by this was that the musician looked to be about 17 himself. I have no idea if he IS 17, but I did not perceive the same level of threat with him as I did when a guy of about 30 started chatting her up in line at Target.
3.23.05 @ 3:20p
Who's Veronica Sawyer?
I must admit, Seth Cohen (the OC) is one enchanting teenager. Although he's 24 in real life.
3.23.05 @ 3:40p
That was going to be my question.
I'm trying to think of boys that would work, and I guess the closest are (old) Ferris Bueller) and (new) the Quidditch captain in Harry Potter. But, I don't watch a lot of tv.
3.23.05 @ 4:03p
Sorry, kids. Veronica Sawyer was "the one who wasn't Heather" in "Heathers."
3.23.05 @ 4:05p
Note that in "Heathers," Veronica's previous best friend was named Betty, which references a whole other set of lust-worthy fictional high school girls.
michelle von euw
3.23.05 @ 4:35p
Unlike Tracey & Jael, I have plenty of teenage boy crushes. Oz from Buffy, of course, then Chris from 24/7 (British!!), Travis from Radio Free Roscoe (zenlike and brilliant), and Craig from Degrassi (rocker bad boy, yum).
Yeah, maybe I need to stop watching The N.
3.23.05 @ 5:17p
Okay, click here and wait for the "Who Says Reading is Boring?" ad to come up...it's on the right hand side, just above the center of the page.
ALL SEX ALLA TIME!
I was looking around for links to sites that might have people interested in reading this column when I stumbled over Alloy. I opted not to join and post because 1) I didn't want to be considered an actual dirty old man; 2) I think I'd be considered trite and undersexed, given the rest of the content.
3.23.05 @ 5:31p
I forgot about Oz. I liked him.
3.23.05 @ 5:45p
Oh my, I forgot about the fine Scottish speciman Wood from HP. Nice call, Sarah!
I don't think lusting was actually what Rowling had in mind when she wrote those, do you?
3.23.05 @ 6:04p
No. Not until the later books.
3.24.05 @ 10:32a
Sorry, kids. Veronica Sawyer was "the one who wasn't Heather" in "Heathers."
So... Winona Ryder?
And Michelle, I just discovered The N. This is a very dangerous discovery that I'm enjoying almost too much.
3.24.05 @ 10:49a
By the way, did I mention that I have a great buddy here in DSM that knows Aly Hannigan?
3.24.05 @ 10:53a
You know that little emoticon that's got the one bulging eye and a slack jaw, supposed to be used for unabashed shock?
Picture that now.
3.24.05 @ 11:12a
hee hee - M and I thought you'd have that reaction. We joked about it last night.
I keep trying to get our buddy to post some of his experiences regarding this and many other things, but he's askeered. But he has great stories.
3.24.05 @ 11:55a
Tracey! What do you mean I'm askeered? So I've chatted with Aly over the phone... so I've met her in person. It wasn't a big deal. At least that's what I keep telling my wife.
3.24.05 @ 11:59a
You mean the wife and child you would leave on Christmas morning for Aly? That one?
Dave, you belong here. Make yourself at home.
3.24.05 @ 12:00p
Hmmm.. still getting used to this. Anyway... I also agree about Kim Possible. In fact, the main reason I'm wanting to have another child is in hopes that she's a girl so I can justify my collection of Kim Possible stuff. "But honey, we'll have a little girl someday. She'll love KP, but we won't be able to BUY this stuff then. So I need to buy it NOW."
So far it's working!
3.24.05 @ 12:09p
Now Tracey, you know when I said that that I didn't mean it.
It doesn't have to be Christmas. Next Tuesday would work for me.
3.24.05 @ 12:15p
You'll have to push Russ down, as he'll be in your way.
3.24.05 @ 12:43p
Willow fight! Willow fight!
3.24.05 @ 12:44p
C'mon, Dave. I know you had Aly's HOME number. And what about the time you were Eliza Dushku's bodyguard in L.A. (True!) and that whole mix-up with the porn stars? (Also true!) Or the time you did your Jim Kirk impression while on-stage with William Shatner? (Still speaking truth!) You *must* fess up and start publicly sharing a few of your sterling nuggets of pop culture brushes with fame. Not too many at once though. Dunno’ if the masses can handle it.
3.24.05 @ 12:49p
Wait wait wait.
Eliza what?! Dushku who?!
3.24.05 @ 12:53p
3.24.05 @ 1:27p
Eliza Dushku... you know, Tru from Tru Calling (coming back to Fox by the way) - Faith from Buffy/Angel - Star of "Bring it On" - Only reason to watch "The New Guy." That Eliza Dushku. A close second on my son's "New Mommy" list. Right behind Aly. Not that he'll ever want or need to use the list, but it's best to be prepared for any contingency.
3.24.05 @ 1:29p
Please please PLEASE do NOT insult me by listing her credits. I am liable to go berserk.
And nothing, not even Eliza, could make me watch Tru Calling.
3.24.05 @ 1:30p
Hopefully Dushku over Doolittle.
Also, right there with ya, Russ.
Old: Samantha Micelli.
New: Alex Kelly.
3.24.05 @ 1:55p
They're dumping the last six or whatever Tru Callings later this spring. It's a hiatus fill-in for something, and then it's all gone.
Mike likes girls who would punch him in the face without a second thought. Also, Boston.
Alexis Denisof? What was she thinking?!
3.24.05 @ 2:08p
You want insulting? FHM released it's "100 Sexiest Women" list and Eliza is freaking 46th. Aly isn't even on it.
3.24.05 @ 2:20p
FHM didn't seem to be so confused when they published her pics. Fools!
3.24.05 @ 2:34p
Is Hannigan still married to Denisof?
Adam, is Alex Kelly the lesbo on The O.C.?
3.24.05 @ 3:00p
FHM published a picture of Rachael Ray in a leather bra, licking a fudgesicle. Clearly they are too confused to be trusted about what is "sexy."
3.24.05 @ 3:02p
The pics were bad, but Ray-Ray is still cute.
3.24.05 @ 3:07p
Who is Ray-Ray? Any mag that puts Melissa Joan Hart on its cover (although it might not have been FHM) is confused beyond redemption.
3.24.05 @ 3:24p
Rachael Ray. She's a cook/hostess on every Food Network show that doesn't have Emeril or that guy from Double Dare. The pics were silly as hell, but she's still cute, despite the fact that she appears to be downing meth at each commercial break.
Behold, the links:
3.24.05 @ 3:28p
I apologize; it was a chocolate-covered spoon, not a fudgesicle.
She has 83 shows, a 32AA cup, and the demeanor of a 12-year-old.
Which I guess brings us back on topic.
3.24.05 @ 3:38p
Maybe that's why she's so appealing!
3.24.05 @ 6:11p
Yes. Aly is still married to Alexis. Seems like a nice enough guy.
Thanks Tracey, for "compelling" me to come here.
Enjoy the day everyone.
3.26.05 @ 9:10a
I know I'm coming in very late, and somewhat off...but I needed to second Heather's praise for one Seth Cohen. Am glad to hear he's 24 in real life. He is tasty.
3.28.05 @ 11:34a
Yep, twenty-four. Those naughty thoughts are completely legal, KT! WOO HOO!
3.28.05 @ 11:37a
I think I had a dream about Aly and Alexis last night thanks to you people.
4.4.05 @ 12:14p
I'm so glad I can watch these girls with no guilt whatsoever.
By the way, Russ, I've also met Aly.
4.4.05 @ 1:40p
Who said anything about guilt?
If there's grass on the infield, play ball!
4.4.05 @ 3:55p
I think the rest of the world attended "Meet Aly Hannigan Day" and I was stuck at work.
4.5.05 @ 3:12a
Gonzo, you worry me.
Russ, what about Rosario Dawson? She's much much better looking in person.