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let's get fugafied
they hate what you're wearing
by heather m. millen
7.27.05
humor

I'm not gonna lie to ya... I don't don designer threads every time I leave the house. Nor do I bring three costume changes to my own party (although I WOULD.) But as trendsetting and "in" as Hollywood headliners and rich second-rate starlets are supposed to be, sometimes they just really have no freakin' clue when it comes to fashion. Nowhere is this made more apparent than on the Go Fug Yourself website. Driven by humanity's voyeuristic need to judge and demean others in order to feel better about ourselves, Go Fug Yourself pays homage to the fashion-confused and just downright psychotic-looking. Here, I pay homage to Go Fug Yourself's homage. Or something like that.

Let's start with everyone's favorite trailer-trash pop princess, Britney Spears. Granted, she's pregnant. So surely, she can eat deepfried pickle chips and ice cream until her little heart is content and her face is bloated to three times its natural size. After all, she is not a girl, not yet a woman... so can we really hold it against her if she starts looking vaguely like a deranged tranny? No.

But I don't care how pregnant or drunk or delirious you get (or deliriously drunk and pregnant), you should never wear this in public. I, too, have days that I wish I could forego wading through my closet for acceptable clothing and simply wrap window dressing around myself on the way out the door... But DO I? No. And I still LOATHE whatever dumb bastard came up with Ugg Boots. Even more so when said Ugg Boots are paired with skimpy ensembles. If you are cold enough to wrap two dead sherpas around your feet for warmth, how is a micro-mini sufficient clothing on your upper half?

Go Fug Yourself is also wonderful one-stop for perusing horrific trends that I REFUSE to believe will ever catch on anywhere past Hollywood, where apparently the smog and UV rays have melted everyone's brains. I mean, why would anyone ever feel the need to wear see-through leggings underneath a jean skirt and topped off with cowboy boots? That would be like wearing pants underneath a skirt! Oh, shit. Are you serious? You're going to have to do DOUBLE the laundry now!

Remember the Olsen twins? How when you first saw their credits on "Full House" you wondered why Michelle's mother gave her such a frightening long name? And then you realized they were twins! Oh, double the pleasure! Remember how cute they were? Remember how sickeningly sweet they were? Remember how they became devastatingly rich thanks to their parents' good sense to exploit their innocence? Then, suddenly... they were teenagers. Real ones, with an overtly sexual fashion sense and the occasional eating disorder. Just like your kids! It seems that Ashley has spent all that money on clothes...to wear all at once.

Okay, now let's discuss Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas. Not about how she SINGLEHANDEDLY destroyed their music when she joined the group, but instead about how she frightens the shit out of me. Let's start with the top photo where it appears an alien is about to burst out of her stomach at any given moment. I'll grant her forgiveness on the second photo, since it does appear that she's performing... we'll call it a "costume."

Then begins the shorts parade. Now, I REALLY want this trend to work. I myself have even recently bought a pair of knee-length shorts ($13.43 at the Gap Outlet, bitches!) and I do intend to wear them with inappropriately high heels that will most likely be shimmery. DEAL WITH IT. But what I will NOT do, without being drugged, is pair it with a butterfly color or inexplicable little girlie braids. However, drugging may be EXACTLY the cause of this horrific ordeal.

And then, often to my dismay, I come across something I actually like. I know I shouldn't and I see why they have a problem with Mischa Barton... I mean, the OC did kinda go shitty south and occasionally, she makes some questionable choices (read: Keds endorsements) but I think she looks just lovely here. Like a princess! A pillowy princess!

Go Fug Yourself is apparently run by two sharp-tongued ladies who are both hangers-on and beaters-down of the Hollywood community. And for that, they're my new best friends.

This small tour through the land of the Fug is really just a tip off the tragically hip iceberg. I guarantee you that nothing or no one could suck as much valuable time out of your workday with such absolute glee. So go ahead, Feel the Fug.... It just keeps getting better.


ABOUT HEATHER M. MILLEN

Heather has a penchant for drama, both personally and professionally. She secretly wishes people spoke in song and wholeheartedly believes that everyone deserves a standing ovation now and again. She finds it appalling that people reserve champagne only for special occasions, when champagne is clearly best on a Tuesday, while riding the subway, accompanying a slice of kick-ass pizza.

more about heather m. millen

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COMMENTS

lisa r
7.27.05 @ 7:25a

Those examples truly exemplify the phrase "tragically hip". But you left one out--the ridiculous trend of women and girls of all ages wearing baby-doll pajama tops (in satin and lace, no less) during the day and believing they look fashionable. Please. These so-called tops make the wearer look like they either forgot to finish putting on their clothes in the morning or have an uncontrollable urge to resemble one of the denizens of Hollywood and Vine.

Clearly, there should be some sort of tastefulness test that fashion stylists should have to pass (yearly!) before being allowed to tell others what to wear.

tracey kelley
7.27.05 @ 9:07a

"Dear Ben and Girl" ---

Gawd, that's priceless.

Lisa, I'm with ya. Somewhere in the fashion world, a jammie line was crossed.

jael mchenry
7.27.05 @ 9:07a

I absolutely cannot believe what some of these people wear. Or don't wear, in the case of people like Bai Ling -- check the Fug archives, there's some amaaaazing stuff in there.

Love the Fug Girls. Because sometimes, you just need someone to say: Jude Law looks like a gay pirate maitre d'.

mike julianelle
7.27.05 @ 9:22a

Great column!

I am not as big a fan of this site as all of you apparently are. The outfits are often hideous but I don't find their comments to be all that funny.

But it is funny to see what these people think looks good. I'm never sure if they

a)just threw something on (doubtful in most cases);

b)think it looks good; and/or

c) are so full of themselves that they try to start trends, common sense be damned!

jeremy sievers
7.27.05 @ 11:11a

Setting trends and looking cool just don't go together. This site just proves it.

Should be considered that the events these pictures were taken are all about strutting around and getting attention.

That is still no excuse for the size 2 drapery and Ugs Brittney wore to the video store.

sandra thompson
7.27.05 @ 2:29p

The less Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp wear the better, and I don't pay much attention to anybody else. Besides, all my taste is in my mouth, I've been told.

jason gilmore
7.27.05 @ 2:31p

Good article.

Who dresses these people? Cosign on the UV rays comment, I drive down Hollywood Boulevard often on my way home from work and it often looks like Halloween. And to think: this is the TOURIST area!

heather millen
7.27.05 @ 2:47p

Do not take this article lightly. These people are herding up the masses. As Jason just reinforced, OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE (albeit tourists in this case) feel the need to emulate these fashion "icons." We are not safe.

jael mchenry
7.29.05 @ 2:52p

Okay, so they're not all superfamous folks... the Fug Girls have given us, on this random Friday, a Random Friday Fug.

Bravo, ladies.

mike julianelle
7.29.05 @ 3:40p

I'm surprised, what with all the talk Fug generates on the boards, that this column isn't being discussed A LOT more. You people are finally given a public forum and you WASTE IT. Sickening.

jael mchenry
7.29.05 @ 3:59p

Dude, that's apples and orangutans. We discuss Fug a lot when there are new Fugs to discuss. I don't think there have even been three new Fugs in the past two days.

I did try to bring everyone's attention to the gem of a line today describing the woman who "looks like she mugged Siegfried and/or Roy on the way back from a Lara Croft convention." But all I can say is Damn, that funny.

tracey kelley
7.29.05 @ 9:49p

Oh hell yes! Sweet cracker sandwich!

dan gonzalez
7.30.05 @ 11:23p

I'm surprised...that this column isn't being discussed A LOT more

It's a good column, like you said man, but there's just not that much to discuss, man. even if you have more than one X-chromosome: "Now THAT is some serious cattiness. Rawr! You go girls!"

juli mccarthy
8.1.05 @ 12:03p

"You go, girl! And take those tacky-ass shoes with you." See? The fug gals aren't the only ones who can do catty.

heather millen
8.1.05 @ 12:16p

Did someone say"tacky-ass shoes"? But that's not even the best part. Fug strikes again with perhaps one of my most favorite descriptors: excrement-themed color palette. HA!

[edited]

jael mchenry
8.4.05 @ 9:27a

Looks like they just launched a new feature, Ask Aunt Fugly. Not as hilarious as their usual stuff, but for those who love their J-Lo impression, the third one down is quite funny.

heather millen
8.4.05 @ 11:23a

I can't believe Mike doesn't think the commentary is funny. "pregnant assface human incubator?!" "cook his sperm eggs?" That's just gold.



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