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where were you when you mind went snap?
ever wonder what someone is thinking?
by robert a. melos

It was a day just like any other day. Yeah, just like any other day – IN HELL!

I’m not saying life was any worse than usual, only that my nerves were more raw and on edge than usual, and my mood was bordering bitchy the moment I opened my eyes to greet the afternoon light. Now I know some may think this is a standard fair for me, but I tell you it isn’t. I’m generally a loveable cuddly teddy bear with a bit less hair and not as out of shape or overweight. I’m generally a wonderful person, with bright happy thoughts, (don’t contradict me, or you’ll get to see my nasty side much faster).

Anyway I was going along in the Mindscape, doing just fine, considering the fact that I could take just so much more before I snapped and went ballistic on someone. I felt the snap coming on, but as usual I’m never prepared for what my Mindscape will bring. Sometimes it’s Hillary Clinton and Madeline Albright acting out scenes from Showgirls, and sometimes it’s cartoon characters, and other times it’s a combination of both.

Now I happen to be one of those people who find it cute when some cuddly woodland creature, like a cartoon bunny or deer or skunk, lets loose with an obscenity. The image of that in the Mindscape will keep me amused for hours. But sometimes I’m just not prepared for the havoc I will encounter in my Mindscape. This was just such a day.

Out of a clear blue sky, after being annoyed one time too many, or just once, my mind went into overdrive. It was then the Thoughts merged and produced Scarface Down, the combination of the films Scarface and Watership Down. Now nothing is funnier to me than cute little furry bunnies cursing their heads off, but cute little furry bunnies stoned on coke and carrying weapons in the Mindscape is another thing. Oh the horror of watching Hazel and Fiver snorting a few lines, and then racing about playing hyper coked up bunny games, and swinging their machineguns around chirping in those cute little rabbit voices, “Say hello to my little friend”, before collapsing into fits of laughter and nuzzling each other behind their ears.

Now I would expect this kind of behavior from Bugs Bunny or any of the regular Hollywood Warner Bros. cartoon characters. I mean, seriously, take a look at them. Elmer Fudd is definitely a heroine addict. Bugs and Daffy obviously snort coke, and I’m sure Daffy is a bit of a pedophile. If not into young children, he likes ‘em barely legal.

Yosemite Sam is beyond AA, and obviously creates domestic abuse in any relationship he drifts into. And Tom and Jerry, well, the less said the better. Droopy Dog is a pothead if I’ve ever seen one, and Marvin the Martian, aside from his transvestitism, obviously smokes crack. Porky Pig is on smack, and even the Monster sneaks off to toke a few every now and again.

I won’t go into the Hanna Barbera characters, because, well, Doggie Daddy and Auggie Doggie kind of frighten me with what might go on between them. And least you think I’ve forgotten Huckleberry Hound, you just know he’s dropping acid and molesting smurfs every chance he gets. Oh, and Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Louie are always strung out.

Well, this is how I view them in my Mindscape. Anyway, I wasn’t prepared for the cute and fluffy bunnies of the Richard Adams novel, all furry and yet violent in a surreal sort of way, popping up in the meadow of my Mindscape, nor was I prepared for them to be toting machineguns and snorting cocaine. It was like a Kid Rock song playing uncensored on Sesame Street.

Suddenly, into the mix, comes Warner Bros. Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood. Here she is singing, “five o’clock whistle gonna blow,” while hanging on the arm of the Wolf, who suspiciously looks like Warren Beatty, when I notice she has a bit of a Faye Dunaway hair style, and I realize they are Bonnie and Clyde, on crack.

Now I’ve got mixed cartoons, much like Roger Rabbit, only less Jessica, who is so much the whore she is drawn to be, and more psychosis. Wolfie snarls and leaps at Fiver, who rears up with his machinegun and stutters, “sa-sa-say hel-hel-hello to my li-li-little friend,” before pulling the trigger and splattering Wolfie and Red across the Mindscape. Wolfie howls before dying, but Red is harder to kill. She produces a machinegun of her own, and starts shooting while screaming and crying.

It gets really ugly, as she unleashes round after round of flying hot bullets, and a string of filthy language associated with teamsters and truckers. It doesn’t last long, but the encounter is deadly, and ugly, and cartoon blood is still red, sort of, and then, as if nothing happened, my Mindscape snaps back into normality and the bunnies with machineguns and cocaine are gone. All the little cartoon creatures are gone, and I’m driving along Route One once again.

Damn, I hate it when some cartoon cat cuts me off and sets off a mental reaction of this magnitude. I like sanity while I’m driving. I hate to see the carnage of cartoon exposition when extrapolating what it would be like to see friendly cartoon animals in films such as Scarface, or Kill Bill Vol. 1.

Next time you happen to be in New Jersey, and are driving along Route One, and you happen to look at the drive in the next car, I can guarantee you'll be wondering if the driver in the car next to you is me.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


the bush war
a song parody
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 10.1.03

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and other things i learned at the health club
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 1.28.11


tracey kelley
7.5.05 @ 7:04a

zounds! I read this too early! I'll be scarred the rest of the day!

robert melos
7.5.05 @ 4:58p

Be afraid. Be very afraid. The interesting thing is, this all happens in a split second or two.

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