If they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they send them ALL?
Men are PIGS.
I don’t expect you to understand; you’re a MAN.
Men are only after one thing. YOU know what I mean.
Ah yes, the hapless, hopeless, human male. Unable to match socks, close a toilet lid, wash a glass. They communicate in a series of unintelligible grunts interspersed with belches and farts. They’re obsessed with tits, sports and remote controls. They’re hairy, smelly and obnoxious.
Why do we even keep them around? We women have proven that we can take care of ourselves. We can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. We are heads of state, and hearts of the home. We are woman, hear us roar.
As a woman, I applaud the strides my “sistahs” have made in this world. Because of the women who went before me, I can work forty hours a week and get paid for forty hours of work. I can vote, I can drive, I can wear pants! If a woman wants to work, great. If she wants to be a stay-at-home mom, that’s great too.
And we’ve got things equalized so well now that any man can choose to stay home and raise his kids while his wife works, and no one will raise an eyebrow. I bet he looks real cute in his apron and pearls.
Nobody ever asks a man if he’s going to keep his own name after he’s married. No one asks him if he’ll go back to work after the baby. Why? Because for women, those are CHOICES. Men do not have the choices we women do – and they never have. Men have always been required to fend for themselves.
One might argue that women have only recently been able to exercise these choices, but one would be wrong. For most readers of this column, this has always been the case. I’m 40 years old and I can only barely remember a time when women didn’t have choices.
The Women’s Liberation movement did far more than level the playing field for women in the working world. It gave us the freedoms that men had enjoyed for centuries – including the freedom to treat the members of the opposite sex like dirt beneath the heels of our sensible shoes and our fuck-me pumps.
Male-bashing is not only rampant, but it’s totally accepted. Pop culture portrays men as thugs or idiots. In television, movies and advertising, men are always the butt of the joke. They’re bumbling boyfriends, clueless cuckolds, floundering fathers. On the rare occasion that the male is depicted as being smart and savvy, you can bet there will be a woman even smarter and savvier. Let there be any negative portrayal of a woman, and protests and boycotts spring up across the nation. For men, it’s a matter of course. Besides, how could they protest?
No, seriously. HOW could they protest? What would happen if men objected to the way they are treated by women?
Women are in control. We control the vertical, we control the horizontal – especially the horizontal. Oh yeah, men are only interested in one thing, remember? Women have used sex as a weapon forever, and we still do it. We can get anything we want by carefully withholding or sharing our favors, and when we lose control of the situation, we’re mighty quick to remind men that NO means NO. This is the sexual equivalent of a rolled-up newspaper across the snout and it has exactly the same effect; try it, and watch his tail go down between his legs. When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow, and make no mistake – we’ve got ‘em by the balls, both literally and figuratively.
We’ve got the deck stacked and the guys can’t win. Men are far more restricted by stereotypes than women are. A female doctor deserves our respect for excelling in a male-dominated field. A male nurse is the punchline of a Ben Stiller movie. A woman who is strong and self-sufficient is to be admired. A man with the same qualities is invisible. A woman can be weak, brainless or clumsy and it’s “cute.” A man who exhibits any of these qualities is less of a man.
We want considerate, decent men but when we find one, we pick him apart. We want bad boys, but when we find one, we set about “fixing” him. If he cleans up after himself he’s anal retentive. If he doesn’t he’s a slob. If he should break down in tears he’s emotionally immature. If he doesn’t he’s cold and unfeeling. We want him to keep his feet off the coffee table, but if he should slip a coaster under his beer, he’s probably gay.
Guess what, girls? We can rest assured that any choice we make will be validated, because we’re females in a male-dominated society. After centuries of being second-class citizens, we can be comfortable in the knowledge that we have the upper hand now. We’ve made our point in spades. Today’s male would not dare to usurp our authority, lest he be branded a bully, a thug, a cad.
It’s time to stop man-bashing and start celebrating the men in our midst in all their hairy, smelly, obnoxious glory. Celebrate the husband who forgot your birthday because he doesn’t think you look any older than the day he married you. Celebrate the boyfriend who sent sugar-free chocolates because you complained you were fat.
Stop bitching about stupid things like toilet seats and phone calls and recognize that men are fighting an uphill battle. Stop criticizing everything they think, say, or do. Stop treating men as barely-housebroken creatures who need to be trained into civilization. Stop making them feel as though we’re granting them a boon by allowing them to live indoors. Remember that they put up with our spiders, flat tires and PMS and they still willingly seek our company.
Give the guys a break. Be worthy of their attentions, and start appreciating them. They have always done the dirty work and they always will – all they ask in return from us is a little understanding, a little patience, and an occasional blow-job.
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
7.21.05 @ 12:00p
When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
The bankers have us all by the short hairs, and most hearts and minds follow. No one wins the battle of the sexes, except those who make a profit on it.
7.22.05 @ 1:35a
And in that one seemingly unrelated but nonetheless totally relevant sentence about bankers, Dan points out the ultimate female folly. Because bankers are all males. Fat, white, cigar-chomping, mostly Christian, Dr. Moreauvian pig-males! Three words: WE STILL FRICKIN' RULE!
It's nice to see a female fall into our trap and stick up for us for change, but you really shouldn't. WE LAUGHED WHEN YOU BURNED YOUR BRAS! We frickin' cheered, drank shots, and patted ourselves on the back. We said crap like "It sure looks cold down out the old feminist rally, a bit nipply even, doesn't it?"
And now we're just slow-playing you, letting you pretend to call all the shots, but we know something you don't think we do: we still have the penises. ALL OF THEM.
So go ahead, stick your racks in our faces, we can take it. Hell, you owe us some oppression and degradation. But how far and long can you really ride that chrome, energizer-rabbit powered gizmo? Forever?
Don't think so. To quote the great and thoroughly male Glimmer Twins, "Time is on our side!"
7.22.05 @ 7:36a
Three words: WE STILL FRICKIN' RULE!
See??? Research indicates that girls can do math as well as boys can, but that teachers automatically assume that girls struggle in this area. School programs for girls emphasizing mathematics are all the rage, but see what happens when we neglect the boys?
7.22.05 @ 8:36a
Another seemingly unrelated comment. I guess you could call it a transient thread to the conversation. Apparently no one can do math. How can we grow forever in a finite place? Bankers and investors, both male and female, somehow think this is possible, even likely. By the way. Nicely written article. If men and women could get along it would ruin the chrome, energizer-rabbit powered gizmo market, thus displeasing bankers and investors. Hmmmm!
7.22.05 @ 8:36a
Wow, Dan. Way to make a case.
It’s time to stop man-bashing and start celebrating the men in our midst in all their hairy, smelly, obnoxious glory.
Thank you, Juli. This was a wonderful way to start my day.
7.22.05 @ 8:49a
There are now more women in medical school than men. That's impressive.
7.22.05 @ 8:59a
And yet we still only earn seventy-five cents for every dollar THEY earn!
My daughter the banker would definitely NOT give you the loan if she heard you say that all bankers are men.
7.22.05 @ 9:35a
I'm at a point in my life that I can get behind women doing anything else men can do. I even go one step beyond juli's comment above that girls do math "as well as" boys and say that women do math better than boys. (Although, I think that there are many other cultures who can smoke any Americans in the math and science areas, currently).
The only thing that doesn't work for me: women's basketball. I'm sorry, but men's basketball is just better.
Women's boxing, though -- Grrowl!
7.22.05 @ 10:35a
I'm pretty sure that women make as much as men now, even though they're relatively hairless, smell good, and never seem to wear socks or anything around their ankles except for little bracelets.
The chicks can have basketball and the girliest of all sports: soccer. (Screw the hooligans!)
Grown men in shorts, really, how demeaning!
But we'll light them up in ice hockey, won't we? Anything we can do? Heard of tackle football baby? Come get some Y chromosome!
7.22.05 @ 11:44a
I'm all for women doing job's that were once men only job's.
It brings a tear to my eye as I'm changing the baby's diaper and giving him a bottle as my wife takes out the garbage, mows the grass, and picks up all the dog poop in the yard- yes ladies if you want equality then equality it is, I'm all for it.
My wife is a banker and she does a DAMN good job.....
works her ass off i tell you- and makes good money doing it.
We split the chores cooking, cleaning, laundry - everything!
Just can't seem to get her to get the oil changed in the car though.
All's fair in love and war and in the battle of the sexes- I say - "last one in is a rotten egg."
7.22.05 @ 4:11p
Huzzah for Juli,
I love your article. Life is filled with paradoxes such as this and I consider you a paragon for tackling this subject. It is my sincerest hope that one day gender will only be a matter of biological description and not human value.
7.22.05 @ 4:16p
Karl! Glad to see you here!
An excellent point you make, too. Gender is such a minefield. We judge people by their genitals and what they do with them, and in the scope of human experience, that's such a ...errr... small thing to base a judgment on!
No slights intended to anyone's genitals, of course.
7.22.05 @ 7:06p
Well, I was gonna talk about hooters and wieners, and how as long as most people don't have both, these fun little battles will continue. And how, even though childbirth stings a little, the daddies are just as exhausted at the end as the mommies, how it's a total myth that men are slaves to their penises and how women are just as horny but way better at acting, etc. But then people got all sensitive and introspective (read: girly) about it.
How can we grow forever in a finite place?
This is a problem on many levels, philisophical and cosmological, as well as socio-political. I think I know what Dan is getting at, but I'm not there yet. (Still finishing the 'History of $$', almost through the Templars now.) Suffice to say that the whole of civil rights activity up to this point involves nothing more than moving money around, and I think most will agree that really doesn't morally advance us in any significant manner.
I think Karl is right, and Kevin too. I love the ladies (even if they all treat me like a mere sex object!) Human value and cosmetic attributes are mutually exclusive in my book. But biology is what it is. Wikipedia has the Y chromsome at 95% non-recombinant now, much less recombinant than in more primitive species, with an average 60% less genes than the X. (We're getting farther apart, not closer!)
But why worry about all that arbitrary horse puckey? There are plenty of stupid and brutal people around, and some are male, and some are female, and some are white, some are black, some are straight, and some are gay, etc, no method to the madness, so logic alone says 'don't prejudge'. LIFE is a finite system, like the one Dan was talking about, and the fact is arranging individuals into groups based on silly details and then labeling them as 'good', 'bad', 'strong', 'weak', is just asinine.
7.22.05 @ 10:45p
The latest battle of the sexes is all Elayne Boosler's fault, as far as I'm concerned. She made her fortune in men-bashing on Cinemax (or was it HBO?) stand-up comedy specials in the pre-Comedy Central days of the '80s. Then she quietly bowed out (or she just stopped being funny, one or the other) once "Married With Children" turned the whole concept into a parody of itself.
Unfortunately, the parody went over a lot of heads. Who knew the whole "men are pigs" thing would turn into a societal truism?
7.23.05 @ 2:19a
Men's basketball is better. So is men's tennis. That being said, as a gay man I prefer men's sports in general. Except golf. It's boring to watch.
Now more importantly, I feel women and men should be equal in all things, including pay. I don't see a reason for a woman with equal ability in a specific field to be paid less than a man in the same field.
7.23.05 @ 9:17a
Real men don't wear shorts, boys do!
I question that wage comparison. As I recall, N.O.W. and co. calculate that without taking into consideration little things like maternity leave and mothers who willingly work part or flex time to spend extra time with their kids.
7.24.05 @ 12:08a
Real men also do not get several million dollars to run around a basketball court.
7.24.05 @ 12:38a
You didn't really think I'd pass up an opportunity to read some of your wonderful work did you?
Your article reflects very deep social issues and quite honestly it wasn't until I read your article that I was able to, at least narrow them down a bit.
As long as the genders, or for intents and purposes those who wish to be addressed by a chosen pronoun other than one that would be obvious to that person's gender, remain insouciant to this critical component of human value, I fear that mindful growth of the individual and success of intersocietal pathways will degenerate. We will lose, and are losing the most valuable resource we have on this planet, respect to exist equally and to be valued as a part of the communal life force that drives our world.
Perhaps someday, the gender divide will only be a chapter in a philosophy text; but only after a long review and modification of society and individual ethical and moral values.
I love the article, keep 'em coming Juli.
And Oh...real men wear kilts!
7.24.05 @ 11:44a
Men, during an argument, try repeating what your wife says back to her in a loud, shrill, nasally voice.
Try it in public.
Works like a charm!
7.24.05 @ 12:28p
Dan- Most men like being treated like sex objects. So what's your point?
Men- Try Joe's advice and find out what it is like to be physically dragged out of a store by a human being half your size and weight by either your ears, lower lip, beard if you have one, or whatever else may be in grab range at that very moment. LOL
I do pick up dog poop, bring out the garbage and am often called in spider removal patrol because they give the man of the house the creeps.
7.27.05 @ 12:43a
Well, being a male sex-object does have its up-side, no lie, but you can't let it go to your head either. Real men control their egos and I for one would like to be respected for the person I am on the inside.
As for Joe's advice above? That shit don't work. AT ALL. I tried it, and the little lady totally trumps me with this deep, somewhat retarded sounding voice. It was completely inaccurate, but she totally faced me because somehow girls look cute doing crap like that, and we just look like jackasses.
So anyway, guys, don't listen to Joe, and if there are any actual MEN around here that still maintain proper control over their wives, please jump in and share your wisdom.
7.27.05 @ 12:48p
Guys all I can say is...
Know your role.
Do little things often.
Let them know they are special and beautiful.
Run your fingers through their hair on a regular basis.
Make them laugh.
Call them alot just to say I love you.
Learn how to cook.
Just a few pointers that seem impossible, but are indeed easy...
7.27.05 @ 2:37p
Yes, do what Steve says and... get crushed by a giant can of Milwaukee's Best Light!