'Twas the night before Christmas, when in the White House
Dubya crept on tiptoes from his sweet-sleeping spouse;
The agent-on-duty who stood just outside
Seemed nonplussed by his boss' nocturnal stride.
Though the Washington press corps was home all a-bed,
And Congress for PAC-paid vacations had fled,
In the President's noggin their shouts didn't cease;
So he walked to his office in search of some peace.
When across the South Lawn with nary a sound
A shiny red sleigh and eight reindeer touched down.
Dubya blinked hard. "Now I ain't been drinkin',"
He swore to a portrait of Abraham Lincoln.
A second passed...two...then a rap on the door
Then stood there a figure where none stood before.
"You're Santa," Bush gaped, and the great elf did grin.
"Saw the light on," he said, "and I thought I'd pop in."
"So what's up?" Santa asked. "What's got you awake?"
Bush sighed. "This entire year's been a mistake.
No matter how noble or pure my intent,
All my policy plans end up hopelessly bent.
First Iraq! Scooter Libby! Wiretaps! Tom DeLay!
Cindy Sheehan sittin' outside my ranch every day!
More troops dead in Mosul, she thinks I don't care!
'Course I do, 'cause I know I'm the one sent 'em there!
They blame me for Katrina, for all that debris,
For the high price of gas for their big SUVs.
They blame me for it all because I'm the big boss;
They prob'ly blame me for the Colts' only loss."
Santa nodded with empathy, stroking his beard.
"Yeah, 2005's been unusually weird.
I feel ya," he said. "It's tough for a guy
To live every day in the media's eye.
But tough as you've got it, George, I've got it worse,
I'm hounded these days by a plot so perverse
It may be the death of me! Scary to say
But some folk want to see 'Christmas' taken away.
'Christmas' has 'Christ' in it! Too religious! It's God-y!
That's what they're attempting to teach everybody.
'Happy Holidays!' fills their inclusive refrains
(Do they know that the 'holy' therein still remains?)
My image has changed quite a lot, don't you know?
Ditched the pipe, lost some weight, and my fur coat is faux.
But remove 'Christ' from 'Christmas'? That change is the worst.
Don't forget, I was always SAINT Nicholas, first.
I'm a jolly reminder to all who believe
God gave us His presence; His gifts we receive.
That's why we give presents to those we hold dear
(Though my sack's filled with nothing but gift cards this year.)
But I'm soldiering on, George, so you do the same."
Dubya nodded. "Maybe next year won't be quite so lame.
Will you visit our troops now and bring them some cheer?"
"Bet on it," said Santa, "though sand's hell on reindeer."
They shook hands quite warmly, and then Santa said,
"Here's a consoling thought 'ere you go back to bed:
May your New Year be happy, your Christmas be merry.
And remember, I could've had this chat with John Kerry."
If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.
ABOUT RUSS CARR
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
12.21.05 @ 10:45a
OH MY GOD - this is priceless! You need to submit this as an editorial pronto!
Also, thank you for pointing out the "holy" in holiday. However, while I'm not in favor of people banning the use of "Merry Christmas", I am in favor of more people saying Happy Holidays because that means they might be thinking about what all people could be celebrating at this time of year. And isn't that type of peaceful acceptance exactly what this time of year is supposed to be about?
12.21.05 @ 11:06a
Nice work. Was putting it together a bitch?
I wrote something like that for my high school newspaper, but it was about Lorena Bobbitt (long time ago!) and I lost it. Set to the same poem and everything.
12.21.05 @ 12:47p
Nice! Reminds me of the re-write of "I'm just a bill" (School House Rock) I did for the heart&soul service... "I'm just a nil".
Yes, just today I was in a conversation and was talking about how I can stand it not being a white Christmas, as long as it's a cold, cloudy Christmas--there's nothing worse than sunny & 52 on Christmas. In the midst of this I realised I was thinking about whether or not all of those there participated in Christmas. Then I really slammed on the brakes, why do I care? Have I really been that affected by all of this P.C. B.S.?!
It's like a gentle yet persistent breeze. Come back in 15 years and landscape looks completely different.
12.21.05 @ 1:43p
Back in the Socks Clinton days, I once did a great version of "The Raven" with the recurring line, "Quoth the White House Cat: 'Meow.'"
I find it ironic that the conservatives who are upset about receiving White House "Happy Holidays" cards are annoyed and upset about something that is equal parts a) practical and b) inclusive.
12.22.05 @ 12:38a
Christmas is a federal holiday. It includes everyone by definition. Just sayin'.
12.22.05 @ 9:14a
12.22.05 @ 12:44p
I always felt saying "happy holidays" was a lumping together of Christmas and New Year. I never considered the "holy" part, but then I am Pagan and "holy" for me has a different meaning.
12.25.05 @ 2:20p
Thoroughly enjoyed it. Merry Christmas!