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10 things i don’t understand
in the asking we find the answer
by michael d. driscoll
2.19.07
pop culture


The world is filled with things I do not understand: molecular physics, aviation engineering, the Bee Gees, fructose. These require too much personal investigation and attention, leaving me to trust that someone, somewhere will focus on them so I don’t have to.

For example:

1) I read an article where Angelina Jolie was quoted as saying there is no reason for her to marry Brad Pitt because they “are married to their children.” How is it possible for an intimate relationship to be successful when its foundation is based on wiping dirty bottoms and snotty noses?

2) When a high-ranking US official visits Iraq the media call it a “surprise visit.” Who exactly are these visits surprising?

3) Why is Britney Spears’ random act of baldness front page news? When any other white-trash woman does this we don’t ask questions.

4) In December 2006 the media could not jerk-off harder over the story of three lost climbers on Mount Hood in Oregon. For days we had around-the-clock coverage of each rescue attempt, footage on their biographies and varying levels of climbing skills, as well as up-to-the minute weather forecast for the region. Then there was nothing. The story quietly slipped away so that happy Christians could open their gifts on Christmas Day without distraction.

5) Why am I always the one who walks into a rotten smelling restroom just as the farticious offender is making a run for it? It wasn’t me! God!

6) Why are all the devout democrats I know saying they won’t vote for Hillary Clinton because she cannot win the election? Um…if you vote for her that could change.

7) Why do people say “I don’t believe in marriage” when it is proven to exist? You may not choose to have marriage in your life, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen from time-to-time. This is the same as someone saying they don’t believe in ketchup. Heinz may have proof—look into it.

8) I don’t understand how everyone missed there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Are we a bunch of coke whores who believe what everyone is telling us until our next fix? And how do we get the facts when we’re taught not to believe what we read? Where else are we going to get our news, the President?


9) How is it I am the first person to come up with a recipe for Condoleezza Rice? Take a little wild rice, mix it with a lot of white rice, and stir only to the right. Cover and simmer for 1.3 presidential terms.

10) Why is it that the only truly horrible Internet virus to affect the Microsoft Operating System goes glaringly unnoticed? Imagine downloading a virus that sent all of your bitchy DRAFT emails you didn't send.

I know I'm not alone, so share with me the things--no matter how big or small--that consistently leave you perplexed. If you don't, you're my number 11: Why don't people share the things they don't understand?

Make me proud.


ABOUT MICHAEL D. DRISCOLL

Curious about everything, Michael plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed to go where no one else has gone. His slight forgetfulness means he is curious about everything and plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed...

more about michael d. driscoll

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COMMENTS

ken mohnkern
2.19.07 @ 10:14a

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is
round. They should call it Round-tine.

alex b
2.19.07 @ 11:51a

Why do I like TV catfights so much? Back in the day, I was hooked on Krystle vs. Alexis. Now, it's Atia vs. Servilia.

tracey kelley
2.19.07 @ 3:36p

"a recipe for Condelezza Rice."

HA!

Ovaltine. HA HA!

Otherwise, I got nuthin.

lucy lediaev
2.19.07 @ 4:59p

Why is that companies that make a big deal of being "equal opportunity employers" indulge in consistent age discrimination? Why don't they value experience?

When you are 50+, just try finding a job at the same pay or better pay than that of position you just left! No wonder people dye their hair and drop graduation dates from their resumes.

robert melos
2.20.07 @ 4:00a

I'm constantly perplexed that the human race has survived this long.

adam kraemer
2.20.07 @ 1:57p

I'm constantly perplexed that the human race has survived this long.

Well, we have a habit of procreating that probably has something to do with it. Alcohol helps.

I've often wondered who the first person to try a certain food was. Like who was the first guy who thought, "Sure it's a member of the deadly nightshade family, but I'll bet this tomato won't kill me."

reem al-omari
2.20.07 @ 3:02p

I have a few things I don't understand:

1) How can something be "new AND improved"?

2) Why do some women insist on getting the gross fake nails, and top off the ugliness with nail art?

3) What makes the women mentioned above go back to the nail salon regularly for maintenance? Compliments?

4) Do any men find what the women mentioned twice above do to themselves attractive?

Condoleeza Rice recipe is brilliant.

[edited]

lisa r
2.21.07 @ 1:46p

I'm with you, Reem. It seems to me a product should be either "NEW" or "IMPROVED", but it is contradictory to say something is both.

I don't get fake nails, nail art, or "claw" length nails. And how can anyone with long nails put in or take out contact lenses without poking (or plucking) their eyes out in the process? If we were meant to have claws, why aren't our fingernails retractable, like a cat's?

Two more things I don't understand: Why are the media and apparently so many Americans obsessed with the craziness that surrounds Anna Nicole Smith's body and baby and Britney Spears' shaved head? Don't they have anything better to do with their time?

[edited]

dan gonzalez
2.28.07 @ 1:35a

I don't understand why people have such strong opinions on things they'd never willingly lift a personal finger to support, like Gulf Coast Relief or the War in Iraq.

I don't understand why people don't get that symbolic gestures, like protesting a war, or calling a two-sentence, non-binding resolution a debate, are empty and cheap compared to actually attempting to put a theory into practice and thereby discovering it's flaws.

I don't get why people can't see that the mass media relies on tired, worn-out, obsequious Bush-bashing to make news stories and columns more appealing. FYI: This will stop working in 09-JAN.

I don't get how guys can be gay with all these hawt babes around to set them straight. They have boobs, guys, lesbians got this one right!

I don't get why some cats would rather make up some random, faux-homophobic inflammatory shit to say when they would be better off just lettin' it lie.

I don't get why I STILL haven't figured out the whole lie/lay thing...



stacy smith
3.2.07 @ 8:20a

I don't understand how Duval Patrick can claim he is going to reduce my property taxes when his new budget plan includes free health care, personal helicopter trips to liberal arts museum that nobody visits, $12,000 drapes for his office and a new Cadillac to drive around in.

I also don't understand how Duval can claim that Ford no longer makes Crown Victorias ( his excuse for buying a Cadillac) when in fact Ford does. The 2007 version of the said vehicle comes with a considerably lower price tag than his new Caddy.

ken mohnkern
3.2.07 @ 10:08a

I don't know what a liberal arts museum is.

stacy smith
3.2.07 @ 1:17p

Ken- As I understand it, a liberal arts museum is nothing more than a place that holds contemporary art.

Since I've never been there, or like anything that is considered contemporary, your guess is as good as mine.

Personally,I find Far Side cartoons much more interesting and entertaining. I also don't rip off taxpayers with a needless helicopter ride to get my cartoon fix at the local bookstore.


marki shalloe
3.7.07 @ 9:31a

Why did male basketball players stop wearing short-shorts? It's upsetting.



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