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planning the wedding
waaay different than i thought it'd be...
by todd w bush

I am getting married. There aren't four other words on the planet that scare men more, but at the same time, I've felt surprisingly excited about this prospect. Maybe it's the writer in me, but I really felt that lots and lots of material would come out of this whole process. However, when your fiance and her mother take things over and plan the entire wedding without the help of anyone resembling Martin Short, I discovered Ross was right when he told Chandler, "Your job is to show up on time, dress correctly and try and say the right name." I might as well have tried to write 500 pages on how a putting glasses and a hat on a dog makes him look more serious. At least then I'd have had more material.

First off, for the females, I might better recall how I popped the question. (Guys, feel free to skip to the next three paragraphs) I had it all planned out. I was going to get Kelly (my fiance) a purse for her birthday (late present, due to my lack of her paying me, since she controls the money for the business we own together), and put the ring in the purse. First I had to actually get the purse, which required a trip to the mall. Now, I'm a guy, and as a standard rule, men hate the mall. This trip didn't do anything to destroy that stereotype. Two back and forth trips the length of the mall and I finally found the store. Yes, I even looked at the directory.

Finally with purse in hand, I gave her the present. Kelly of course loved the purse, especially since it now takes her over the 100 mark in purses owned. I'm thinking that she's shooting for a record not unlike Aaron's home run total. She quickly realized something was in the purse, opened it up and found the ring inside. I took the ring out, got on one knee and asked. And yes, she did say yes.

But, as most of you know, this story wouldn't be complete unless something went wrong. The ring belonged to my mom, who apparently has smaller fingers than my fiance. When Kelly put the ring on and started playing with it, her finger turned purple. Thankfully, no amputation was needed, and everything was great.

Welcome back, men. The first big decision was the date of the wedding, which Kelly had already picked out, so that lasted oh, about 1.8 seconds. Second on the decision list was the wedding party. I have seen movies about this discussion and know that it can cause a couple to pick sides and start World War III. So many things come into play such as how big the wedding party should be? Who is going to be in it? Does the groom have to use the bride's brothers in the party? Should hardcore partiers be picked, or more subdued people? Things like that. But Kelly has no brothers, I have no sisters, and we both like a good party, so I was preparing to plan the entire wedding in the time it takes for a NASCAR pit stop. Yeah, right.

I always thought my groomsmen were the one choice I had exclusively. I was wrong. I had already picked out my brother, my buddies Moose and Jeff, and a childhood friend names Chris. I even suggested a mutual friend of Kelly and I named Jim. Then she lobs over the first Scud missle of the wedding, and like Pearl Harbor, it was a surprise attack. "I think you should put my brothers-in-law in your wedding party." What the... ? A little background: I've met these two guys, Dan and Michael, twice, but I really don't know them that well. One is a computer dork who works for Microsoft and grew up in upper class Connecticut, the other is a computer dork who grew up with hippies as parents and works for a university in Orange, California. Not exactly the crowd I normally run with, especially since I'm from small-town Mississippi. That's not to say they are bad people, it's that this is my groomsmen. I told Kelly all this, but she insisted and told me to just think about it.

So, I drove around (I'm a courier, so I drive around a lot) and thought about it for ten minutes. Then I switched on my favorite sport's talk radio station and listened to the host rant about old people, the Mets, and Jenna Jameson's ass. Ah, sanity. I also came to a conclusion: I was standing my ground. So that night, I walked in the door determined to show some balls, stand my ground and tell Kelly in no uncertain terms, "This is my choice!" I saw Kelly sitting at the table, and walked up with a purpose... and she beat me to the punch by saying, "You know, Dan can film the wedding for us and do a better job than someone we don't know, and with him doing that, it'd be stupid to ask Michael, so just ask whoever you want. What do you think?"

Ever been in a poker table, looked down at your hole cards and seen K-10 suited, then prepared to make that big all-in push and show everyone at the table who really is in charge? Ever had the guy to your right do the same thing right before you? Now you know how I felt.

The wedding has been planned now for the most part. We still have to decide how many people are coming, the actual menu, who to get for a DJ, photographer, and all that, but for the most part it's done. And to tell you the truth, I'm a little disappointed. I expected World War III. I expected to have the stupid arguments that make for such great copy.

Now, I'm looking for sunglasses that fit my dog.


Todd's background includes military service, a stint at a movie theater, and getting turned down for a date by Sandra Bullock. All things that make him totally unqualified to be a writer. However, now that he's getting married in November, that might just do it.

more about todd w bush


getting my first professional massage
you'd think this would be simple... your forgot it's me.
by todd w bush
topic: humor
published: 8.21.04

my friend jimmy
some weirdness is a good thing
by todd w bush
topic: humor
published: 8.13.04


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