Well today was a "think day", started from the break of dawn. My physical being was fairly quiet within my surroundings of the day, but my mind was actually having conversations. Sounds "crazy".
I pulled into town from my side job, In-home Cosmotelogist around 7 p.m. I raced from work to start and complete a hair color on a patron at 6 p.m. Was not my day to feel like being that back yard Psychologist that comes with being a good Cosmotologist. Of course, my patron happens to be a Jesus freak, and no matter what happens in her world, Jesus had something to do with it. Right down to finding a $50 dollar bill in the back of an old picture frame that she had purchased at a yard sale on Saturday.
As I stopped for my nightly cup of coffee at the Pit stop. Alecia, the night attendant at the Pit Stop yells out "hey Dorothy how are you ?" I smiled and responded I am ok tonight, just coming from doing my part time on the side job of doing hair. From her look I assumed she was thinking I just came from a friends home and did a back yard beauty shop thing. As I explained to her, about 6 years ago I had my own salon with employees and patrons, she seemed very interested.
Alecia stated; my sister wants to do that.
No money in it I told her.
Alecia stated; I told her that, told her to go to college.
I completed Cosmotology school when I was about 26 yrs old. Graduated from college at 42, I did it backwards, I put the cart before the horse I explained. I proceeded to continue this little chat as I was putting my coffee together, as my thinking turned into reminiscing.
I spent my life putting the Cart before the Horse, and doing it all backwards, seems to be my forte, the thing I do best.
Meeting my spouse at 15 having a child by 18, marriage by 19, completing High School in between all that.
Alecia just kind of looked at me, I wasn't sure what was running through her mind.
As the words flowed out the emotions and thinking just kind of took over.
What does a 15 yr. old kid know about anything beyond what to wear, and most have "no brain no pain" Certainly can't say a 15 yr. old loves enough to stay with someone for 31 yrs.
Even in "love" I put the cart before the horse, I stated.
As I left the Pit Stop with my cup of coffee, my think day turned into, Dorothy's analyaze day. I do believe that we all sometimes need to stop and analyaze ourselves, we may not like what we see or feel, but for sanity purposes we need it.
I can honestly say I didn't marry for love, and neither did my husband as neither of us would do it again if we were given a chance. But my reward is my family. The only thing we have in common.
Now this Alecia could relate to as the immediate family consists of (5) individuals, (3) kids my husband and I, Since they are all very conected, the (3) kids are now (3) couples that equals (6) adults and each have kids of their own (5) grandbabies in all. If you are counting approximately (13) in all. So weekends and night time can be as many as 8 cups of coffee in one Pit Stop run.
The truest statement I know " the most rewarding thing I ever did in my life was raise my kids"
Does all this fill the void, not when the cart before the horse was the culprit and love was something that just wasn't the reason for it all.
When does that stop for me, as within the past 2 years I placed the cart before the horse again, and this time I ran myself over.
Falling in love and not having it accepted, hurts no matter how you deal with it.
Coming from someone that has spent their entire life placing the cart before the horse, wonders how do you stop, and where do you go with it?
Placing the cart before the horse is much like trying to push a boat up a water fall. The fight disappears and the will is gone, you ache and you become saddened thinking that you really did do it right.
Placing the cart before the horse has a tendenacy of leading you to reach for things beyond your limitations. This makes you a survivor in its own right.
Its lonely because the peers around you seem to have just waited and rode the horse, and the cart followed. The wonder of it is "Why didn't I do that?" What was I really trying to prove, and who really cared?
You truly think you are the only one that has done this, and the strength that you have endured from placing the cart before the horse overwhelmes you.
I have come to realize that the one I love, my soul partner and best friend, has done and is still doing the same thing.
49 yrs young, active Paralegal,reside in a small but busy town in upstate New York.
ABOUT DOROTHY M KYLE
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5.9.07 @ 12:44p
DK, it can often feel like we've lived our life "backwards" if you will. It can feel more that way when we watch what others do and perceive their actions as "correct" when viewed against our own actions. I can't say in most cases who has the cart the wrong way and who doesn't, but one thing to keep in mind - those who we might feel as having "ridden the horse while the cart followed" might not feel that way themselves, and they may feel that you have made the right choices all along, sort of like a "grass is greener" argument for our lives compared to others and vice-versa. I say if you ever get to feeling this way, it's time to water your own lawn.
5.10.07 @ 5:04a
In some ways I've placed the cart before the horse, and in others I was at the reins realizing I knew nothing about steering a horse. Once in a while I'd have a driver who would take me where I needed to go.
More power to you for going on no matter what.