First of all, I'm not here. I'm in Hawaii. Leading directly to the first thing on the list:
1. Lana'i is one of the Hawaiian Islands.
How did I end up there?
2. Getting proposed to is AWESOME.
3. Planning a honeymoon is only one of a kajillion wedding-related decisions, any one of which will drive you bonkers if you let them.
4. Promising your publisher you won't write another column about wedding planning doesn't really mean you can't talk about wedding planning stuff in your column, it just means you don't mention it to him, and then you quietly hit "publish" yourself when he's busy with something else, like babies.
5. It takes a lot of frequent flyer miles to get two first-class tickets to Hawaii, but dude, that's a LOT of time to spend in coach.
It's been a very busy year, and the rest of calendar year 2007 promises to be just as busy, since as soon as the wedding and honeymoon are over we've got a household move on the schedule.
6. If you want to stress less about your wedding, make sure that during the same month you get married, you sell your condo and get a new apartment in a completely unfamiliar city, because you'll be so busy you won't have time to stress about the wedding. Problem solved!
But this is the thing with life. Just because Big Important Things are going on doesn't mean the rest of your life stands still.
7. If you never have time to do laundry, even if you have a LOT of underwear, you will eventually run out. It may take a month, but it will happen. And on that day you will be sad.
8. Somehow even if you never have time to do laundry you still manage to watch every episode of "America's Next Top Model" the week that it airs.
9. Feeling bad about doing something doesn't always mean you feel bad enough to stop doing it.
10. If there is a reality show contestant with your name -- for example, "Jael" -- it is absolutely absorbing to hear people say things about that person that they would never say about you, and it's utterly strange because you've never heard anyone say your name before unless it was you they were talking about.
There is, of course, more to life than television. That said, somehow it always comes back to that. Except when it comes back to movies.
11. Katherine Heigl is FUNNY.
12. Orlando Bloom looks hot in black.
Hm, maybe I learned that one earlier than fiscal year 2007. Maybe I knew it years ago, sometime after I stopped thinking of him as the pale wispy elf from "Lord of the Rings" and started thinking of him as hawwwwwwwt. But there's a moment in the third Pirates movie where he's in black, and it was like, Dude, yes.
13. Seeing Orlando Bloom movies with female friends is ever so much a better idea than seeing them with male friends, or males of any stripe, really.
14. Friends are life. Seriously. It's amazing some of the things my friends have done for me over the past year: providing emotional support, devising elaborate themed events, listening to an hour-long debate on whether we should take a certain apartment, traveling halfway across the country to wear sage.
15. I can never pay my friends back for all they've done for me, but I'm sure as hell going to try.
And that's all we can do, right? Try?
Jael is tired of being stereotyped as just another novelist/poet/former English teacher/tour guide/"Jeopardy!" semifinalist/bellydancing editor-in-chief with an MFA who was once an overachieving oboe-playing alto newspaper editor valedictorian from Iowa. She was also captain of the football cheerleading squad. Follow me on Twitter: @jaelmchenry
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
7.6.07 @ 9:34a
Actually, no. Do or do not. There is not try.
michelle von euw
7.6.07 @ 10:34a
There's so much awesome in this column, I don't know where to start. But, yes, I definitely feel you on the underwear thing. I used to just go out and buy new underwear, but most of the stuff I get now has to be washed before you wear it, so that solves nothing. *sigh*
And I don't think I've ever seen an Orlando Bloom movie with a male before. I definitely plan ahead, and bring my more appreciative of the fine art of Bloom-type female friends.
7.6.07 @ 11:13a
I definitely feel you on the underwear
I'm just gonna take this phrase and linger on it all afternoon.
7.6.07 @ 11:41a
Mike, I'm not so sure Yoda is always right about everything.
There should also be a 10a about how having a contestant with your name on a reality show leads to some disturbing and odd Google phrases, but since I don't want to actually type any of those phrases for the public eye, I left it off.
7.6.07 @ 5:22p
Enjoy the fine, fine ride, sweetie!! It's all good.
It was meadow green!
I am here to say that I will probably never be as close to Jael's underwear as I was when I had my hands up her wedding dress.
ETA: Sharing Matt Damon (and his arms!) with a guy isn't so bad.
7.6.07 @ 10:13p