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off with her head!
a commentary on paris hilton
by robert a. melos
pop culture

The other night Keith Olbermann jokingly speculated on the possibility of a presidential pardon for both Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby. Scooter Libby? You know? He was the Vice President’s assistant. He obstructed justice. Remember? Oh well. Anyway, Keith Olbermann joked that there would be 23 hours and 48 minutes of news coverage on the Paris Hilton pardon, and 12 minutes of coverage on the Scooter Libby pardon. With all due respect to the brilliant Mr. Olbermann, I think he over-estimated that time frame. Libby would get six minutes of air time. Three minutes recapping the players in the Valerie Plame case, two minutes to recap the trial, thirty seconds to discuss the pardon and thirty seconds to ask Libby where he would go from there.

Naturally Ms. Hilton won’t be getting a presidential pardon. If she did it would only be to draw attention away from something like the Iraq War, or a ‘No confidence’ vote on Alberto Gonzalez, or whatever evil plan Dick Cheney is secretly brewing in his dungeon beneath his office. Of course there will be no presidential pardon, although I’m sure George W. Bush can sympathize with her anxiety over the charges stemming from a DUI and subsequent charges resulting from driving without a license (twice). I’m afraid there will be no pardon from the Governator either.

The media has been covering this ongoing story with the veracity used when covering the O.J. Simpson trial. In fact, given the reaction Ms. Hilton reportedly had when ordered to serve out her remaining 40 day sentence in an actual prison, screaming and crying before being dragged from the courtroom, one would think she had been sentenced to death.

For crying out loud, it’s a sentence for breaking the law for driving while having her license revoked for DUI. In California, where this all takes place, the average person, meaning non-celebrity, who get the same sentence usually serve 10% of the sentence or 4 days. She’s already served that, but because she was a whiny, pampered and extremely spoiled brat she made a spectacle of herself and the legal system. She essentially did the equivalent of holding her breath like a petulant child demanding her way.

She is the living embodiment of Veruca Salt, the spoiled child who wanted the world in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. The sad part is she has the world. She is the great-grand-daughter of Conrad Hilton, founder of the Hilton Hotel chain. Her grand-father’s fortune is estimated to be more than one billion dollars. Paris herself is estimated to be worth between 30 and 50 million dollars. With this kind of money you would think she could afford a chauffeur.

Her education is not that different from many young girls her age. She dropped out of high school but eventually earned a GED. Her life however is much different from most 26 year-old girls. In her years between dropping out of high school and today she has been a model and actress, but rose to fame because her ex-boyfriend, Rick Salomon, videotaped their sexcapades in the highly touted adult video “1 Night in Paris,” which earned three AVN (Adult Video News) Awards including best selling title of the year. Hilton herself also received directorial credit for the film. How many high school dropouts do you know who have a directorial credit to their name? Yeah it was porn, but it’s still a directorial credit.

The publicity from this one video helped launch her career as a “personality.” It helped push the popularity of her television series The Simple Life, which depicts spoiled rich girl Paris and her former BFF (best friend forever) Nicole Richie, another spoiled rich girl, playing at blue collar jobs, mocking the lives of real people who have to do such jobs to actually earn a living instead of playing at it.

Granted being forced to serve out her prison term may seem unjust to her, causing her to crumble under the pressure of having to actually take responsibility for her actions; something her television show proved spoiled rich girls are incapable of doing, but she is an adult. Adults are supposed to take responsibility for their actions. That’s what most of us were taught throughout our lives. If you break the law, and get caught, unless you’re George W. Bush, you have to pay the price. Justice must be served.

Is tossing Paris Hilton in the clink justice? Hell yes! In Wonderland, given that Paris Hilton obviously doesn’t live in the reality the rest of us live in, the Queen of Hearts would’ve decreed “Off with her head!” and been done with it. Paris is lucky she’s been judged by the legal system and not a jury of her peers. First of all, a jury of spoiled heiresses would be more than any court room could bear. The judge would need to be strong, someone like Judge Judy. Now that would be a court scene I’d want to see.

Although, I have a feeling after being in a room full of spoiled rich heiresses, Judge Judy would also be yelling, “Off with her head!” Alas, this is modern day America and not a fictional world down a rabbit hole, and justice was served, and now it’s time for the media to find any other story that is of real importance to fill our evening news. Stories of spoiled rich girls is not what we need as a nation, or the example we need to be showing our impressionable teens who might think they can get away with the things Paris Hilton pulls.

Unfortunately since a judge has ordered Ms. Hilton to finish out her sentence in an actual jail, with actual inmates, the next 40 days will undoubtedly be a flood of Paris Hilton news, breaking Paris Hilton news, Paris Hilton news alerts, all Paris Hilton all the time. Just the way a spoiled heiress likes it.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


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