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how to be a badass, part 2
the internet has spoken.
by erik lars myers (@TopFermented)
pop culture

It's not often that Google tells you something without you actually asking for it, but to me it has. The search engines have spoken and they have told me that the internet-using public are a sad, sad lot.

As you may or may not know (but I'd wager, given what Google tells me, that the majority of you do) I wrote a column on how to be a badass in ten easy steps. What you may not know is that premium subscribers of Intrepid Media (available to you for only a few dollars a month) have this great section on their Premium Start Page that shows, for the past two months, just what searches have brought people to read your columns.

With the help of our Intrepid Leader, I have received a full list of all the search terms that brought people through to the column referenced above (since the feature began); the results look like this (excluding a bunch of trash entries):

how to be a badass: 187

badass hobbies: 14

how to get a pompadour: 2

cockdog: 1

I'd like to think that all of these searches were made in irony, but the sheer numbers tell me it's probably not the case. This is clearly a plea -- a cry for help. People don't use search engines unless they are in want of information. Fortunately, I have your answers. In order.

How to Be a Badass: Step away from the computer.

Seriously? You're trying to find out how to be a badass by searching for it on Google? I'd almost say you're a lost cause up front, but I'm going to assume that there's some shred of hope left buried somewhere underneath the stack of empty Mrs. P's pizza boxes you have to your left there. Go ahead, look for that shred. It's probably stuck to the back of a Domino's receipt.

You really want to be a badass? Do it outside. Go fix up your muscle car. No muscle car? Put a new tailpipe on your motorcycle. ... Knobby tires on your bicycle? Pull the tricycle out of the basement! Come on, SOMETHING. You're not going to hone a grizzled visage staring at a computer screen under fluorescent lights! Give up and get out, or go buy a pocket protector and succumb to the fact that pwning n00bs in Halo is the badassest that you're ever going to get.

Badass hobbies: Scrapbooking

It is the most badass of hobbies. It has scissors, knives, and its own Amway-like Tupperware-type parties where you and your friends can giggle and fawn over the latest patterns that you can border your photos with, learn about the best sticky backings for those pesky vacation photos to the Magic Kingdom that just won't stay still, and get funny new quote bubbles so that you can make your own LOLcat captions at home.

What? Yeah. I'm joking. You disgust me. Badass hobbies? You Googled that? You were looking for the remote-control helicopter t-shirts, weren't you?

How to get a pompadour.

First -- if you can't figure it out by yourself, is this really the haircut for you?

Consider the following points:

Pompadours were very popular in the 1950s.

The internet was unreliable in the 1950s.

Regardless of the lack of internet, pompadours were still very popular in the 1950s.

Given those points, I think we can assume that you should be able to figure it out on your own. What's the worse that could happen? You screw it up, wash your hair, and try again? Grow a pair, for crissakes.

I'm also fairly certain that, excluding John Travolta, who was an actor in the 70s merely playing a badass from the 50s, nobody actually goes to a hair salon to get a pompadour.

So.. look.. fine: How to style a pompadour. Happy now?


Cockdog, indeed.


Writer, beer drinker, brewer. Not necessarily in the order. For more, check Top Fermented and Mystery Brewing Company.

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andrea augustine
3.19.08 @ 1:11p

Gene Simmons "Googles" himself every morning. My guess is he was on your badass search...

Very nice column, by the way. Most entertaining!

alex b
3.19.08 @ 6:56p

HA! I've always wondered how to be a badass. And if Googling myself means I can be a badass through generous doses of proud narcissism, then yeah!

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