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reality could bite more
midseason replacements yet to come
by adam kraemer (@DryWryBred)
12.10.07
television


As you all may know, I value truth and justice above all things. As you all may not know, I sometimes say things like that without meaning them.

However, I have important news to impart. News of such significance that it might very well rock the foundations of all we consider to be true. Or it might be satire. Regardless, the facts are these (or are they?): At great risk to myself and the intrepid (no relation) team of spies I employ, I have been able to unearth a list of the top contenders for mid-season replacements in the wake of the Hollywood writers strike. The networks know that the public is clamoring for new episodes of, well, anything, so they're in production right now on a slew of reality shows set to replace your favorite sitcoms and dramas. That's right, a slew.

So without further ado:

ABC - "3rd World Nanny" - See how a team of trained surrogate mothers deals with families of ten or more. Hilarity ensues when Nanny Whittle contracts three types of dysentery. Nanny Obergliato suggests to Nahamisma that he reconnect with his kids by taking them to his job for a day and he points out that they already work in the same factory he does. Tempers flare when Nanny Shoenstein mixes up the flour with another white powder in La Paz; try getting your kids to go to sleep after that dessert!

CBS - "The Real CSI" - Follow an actual team of forensic scientists as they prove that a gunshot victim was shot twice. Get a peek inside the lab where they will file a suspect's fingerprints in case he does something else later in life. Hilarity ensues when Officer Dagmar is caught kissing his wife during a lunch break. Special: a behind-the-scenes look at computers that don't have enough memory to bring up MapQuest, let alone triangulate the position of a shooter based on photos his ex-girlfriend took six years earlier.

Fox - "When Former Reality Stars Attack Each Other" - No contests, no immunity, no food, no shelter. All weapons must be made from the bones of other contestants. Hilarity ensues when Colby and Melinda form an alliance only to find out that both of them are bleeding to death. Winner is the one who gets a movie deal before the final episode. Loser is the one who gets a movie deal with Rob Schneider.

ESPN - Football, SportsCenter, etc. No change, actually. Hilarity ensues when the Knicks attempt a layup.

The CW - "Everybody Hates Cops" - Images of police brutality around the world interspersed with real video from trials in which guilty people go free because juries are angry at The Man. Hilarity ensues whenever the term "DWB" is used sarcastically. Hosted by a panel of guilt-ridden liberal celebrities.

FX - "So You Think You Can Sponsor This?"; "Top Plumber" - Taking a cue from Bravo, FX pimps out every single second of Prime-Time programming with these new shows. In the first one, judges vote on which corporations can get the most product placement in 5 minutes of airtime. The other is an elimination in which contestants try to advance their formerly unsung careers by doing their jobs in the most self-indulgent way possible. Hilarity ensues when Tim Gunn is brutally honest with the contestants and they jump him on his way home.

NBC - "Dealio or No Dealio" - Hosted by a rotating stable of white guys who don't think they look ridiculous using urban slang. Hilarity ensues when Carson Daily accidentally pronounces "G-Unit" as "Gunt." Also starring Scott Cahn and that dude you've seen in small parts in tons of things but don't know his name.

MTV - "What In God's Name Did You Do To Your Kid?" - A set of parents has to sit through hidden-camera footage of their son or daughter being the worst person on the planet. They are then given 48 hours to undo the 18-plus years of damage inflicted by their so-called parenting. If they fail to get their offspring to see the light and swear off douchebaggery for good, all of their worldly possessions are given to charity and they are neutered so as to stop them from further multiplying and to serve as a warning to other crappy parents. Hilarity ensues when they are neutered.


ABOUT ADAM KRAEMER

A native of Elkins Park, PA, Adam Kraemer spends way too much of his time repeating "K-R-A-E..." He moved to New York City in 1998 and earned Master's in Journalism at NYU; don't let his writing fool you. He feels he is best known for saying the things no one is thinking, but afterwards wish they had been. He spends his free time wondering where all his free time goes and why he can never come up with a decent kicker for the ends of his articles.

more about adam kraemer

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COMMENTS

sloan bayles
12.10.07 @ 1:10p

I'm still waiting for George Lopez's suggestion of "Does this look infected?" to air.

adam kraemer
12.10.07 @ 2:44p

Actually, my brother, upon reading the first draft of this one suggested "Gimp My Bride."

alex b
12.11.07 @ 11:57a

"Gimp My Bride?"

*spits soda on keyboard*

[edited]

adam kraemer
12.11.07 @ 12:04p

"Watch as she tries to hobble down the aisle once special guest Kathy Bates gets done with her!"

alex b
12.11.07 @ 7:18p

Dude, if her bridesmaid happens to be BLIND, then watch her hit the aisle sides as a slow human air hockey puck.

adam kraemer
12.12.07 @ 1:48a

A blind bridesmaid walking down the aisle by herself? That never happens, right Brett?

tracey kelley
12.12.07 @ 7:38a

It's all just an episode of Springer.

dr. jay gross
12.30.07 @ 10:28p

......it's all douchebaggery.

I want to see; Cheney do stand-up, Bush write his own speaches, ALL doctor- emergency- hospital- shows combined into a "EPA Annual Report"....et. al.

The trouble is....NO hilarity ensues.



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