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happy birthday suit
gonna have you naked by the end of this column
by russ carr (@DocOrlando70)
2.27.08
humor


Now is the right time to be naked. Here are 38 reasons why.

1. It's cost-effective. You wear clothes, they get dirty. You gotta wash 'em. That takes detergent, a washing machine, water, electricity. You wear clothes, they get worn out. You gotta replace 'em. It takes a lot less time, water, soap, etc. to just wash your body, and with proper care, it'll last you a lifetime. In the summer, it cuts down on your A/C bill.

2. It's green. Think of all the textile factories pumping out pollutants just to make the fabric to swaddle your hiney. To say nothing of all the trees pulped for the sake of catalogs designed to coax you into a new spring wardrobe. Al Gore wants you to be naked.

3. It expedites sex. You knew this was coming; I wanted to get it out of the way quickly. If you're done tittering, Beavis, let's move on.

4. It's free. You don't need a dollar in your pocket. Or, for that matter, a pocket.

5. It's the godly thing to do. When God created man, He created him in His own image. When Adam and Eve sinned, the Bible tells us, the first thing that happened was, "[T]he eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." It wasn't like they weren't naked before...it's just that suddenly they had a problem with it. If they'd only obeyed God, we'd all still be naked in the garden, having tiger races and eating mangos all day. Way to blow it for the rest of us, y'all.

6. It's the only way to take a sauna.

7. It helps you think more clearly. A lot of my best thinking happens in the shower. (No, that's not where I thought up this column.) A shower is like a poor man's sensory deprivation chamber. Lose yourself in the white noise and the indistinct caress of the spray. With your senses on hold, suddenly your brain's got a lot more free time for other things.

8. Your butt probably looks better than Dennis Franz's.

9. The FCC can't fine you for videotaping your own butt, and then running the tape on your own TV as many times as you like.

10. In fact, if your butt IS better than Dennis Franz's, you might actually make some money off that videotape. (Note: Do NOT send it to "America's Funniest Home Videos.")

11. You're just following ancient history.

12. When it gets so hot at the end of day, you may find your clothes getting in the way. All the more so in winter, when you're wrapped up like a mummy. There's something about getting home and peeling off, and that moment when you open your collar or kick off your shoes and you swear you hear that same sound as when you open a vacuum-packed jar of peanuts. The steam and the stank and the heat rush away, and suddenly your skin can breathe, and even though you're just standing in your bedroom or bathroom, it's refreshing like some idyllic mountain waterfall cascading over you.

13. That goes double if you've been playing in or shoveling snow, or tromping through whatever nasty weather's been your fortune. You're cold, wet and clammy. Have a mug of cocoa while you air-dry.

14. Your cat's naked. Your dog's naked. Are they hung up about it? No.

15. Skinny-dipping. Because not every lake has a crazed hockey-masked killer stalking young coeds as they frolic.

16. Why should Lindsay Lohan have all the fun?

17. If you're preggers, you can pretend you're on the cover of Vanity Fair. And anyway, you could use a break from those jeans with the big off-color panel in the front.

18. If you're NOT preggers, you can get someone to body paint you like those girls in the SI Swimsuit Issue (Must have approx. 13 hours to kill. And sit motionless.)

19. You can pretend you're one of many copies -- We love you, Sharon! -- waiting patiently aboard a Cylon basestar.

20. No tan lines.

21. Contrary to popular belief, there are no "nudist colonies." Colonies are for ants and lepers. Nudists have RESORTS. Walt Disney World is a resort, and it's fun...but expensive. AND you have to keep your clothes on. Nudist resorts, by comparison, are considerably cheaper, if a bit less developed. There are no "Nude Pirates of the Caribbean" or "It's a Small Clothing Optional World" rides, nor is there a "Hall of Naked Presidents." But on the other hand, Donald Duck has been pants-free for 60 years...so maybe there's some common ground after all.

22. You can challenge that misconception about "where the sun don't shine."

23. That dollop of marinara on your dress shirt? That tipsy splash of malbec on your silk blouse? Wouldn't be there.

24. Neither would that lipstick on your collar or the...uh..."DNA sample" on her blue dress.

25. You're unlikely to be mugged.

26. Accessorizing is much easier. Unless you wear a lot of pins or brooches.

27. Your belly button will never pop off and roll under the couch, forcing you to reach under there with the Swiffer, fish the thing out and sew it back on.

28. PETA can find a new horse to whip.

29. It's constant reinforcement for your diet goals.

30. Plus, you'll burn more calories as your body works harder to stay warm. As long as you don't eat more than usual, you can shiver your way to tighter abs and sleeker thighs.

31. Less clothes means less need for closet space. You can downsize into a smaller place and pocket the savings.

32. You'll save time in the morning by not having to wonder what you're going to wear, or whether or not that shirt is ironed.

33. You won't offend anyone by accidentally showing gang colors in the wrong neighborhood. This could save your life!

34. Casual nudity vexes the religious right, and that's always fun.

35. Textured upholstery will imprint really cool patterns on your skin, the longer you sit on it. (Not recommended with vinyl car seats on a hot day.)

36. You can call your friend, the one who's stuck in that uptight corporate job, wearing a business suit and tight shoes, and say, "Hey, guess what I'm wearing..!" This is even more fun if your friend is also your significant other.

37. Because the next time you have that dream, the one where you're at work or school and suddenly realize you're naked...you can just shrug and say, "Yeah? And?"

38. It's how you came into the world. So what better way to recapture your youth? Put on some Matt Monro, roll around on the shag carpet, and just revel in it, babe. As they say in the commercial, love the skin you're in.


ABOUT RUSS CARR

If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.

more about russ carr

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COMMENTS

juli mccarthy
2.27.08 @ 12:25a

(beavis)
Heh heh... you said "tittering."
(/beavis)

I am in favor of nakedity. It's taking a lot more fabric to cover my ass than it used to, butt (ha) I'm still in better shape than Franz and I've ceased to care what anyone else thinks about my tush anyhow.

And now I have that song (#11, sliding into #12) stuck in my head. Fortunately for you, I LIKE that song.

robert melos
2.27.08 @ 1:29a

I agree 100%, however I must point out I currently go to the local L. A. Fitness and there is a modesty I do not remember the last time I belonged to a health club in the late 1980s. I'm one of a handful of men who go into the sauna natural wearing only a towel around my waist. I've seen guys wearing briefs, boxers, broadshorts, and on two occasions guys in sweatsuits in the sauna. These are men of all different ages, so I can't say it's a youthful modesty. It really blows my mind to see guys being modest in a locker room setting, and especially in the sauna. I was actually going to ask this question on the boards of anyone who attended gyms or health clubs if this was the new trend, or a cultural thing, or what?

And yes, I'm way hotter than Franz.

jeffrey walker
2.27.08 @ 8:38a

I admire your enthusiasm, but stress that: (1) threats of butt splinters; (2) possible sunburn of my bits; (3) possible door closure incidents; (4) possible dog bite incidents (you can see these on the internet); and not to forget, (5) the implications of bare butts in shared community seating (restaurant seats, bus seats, theater seats, park benches) are enough for me to be quite in favor of pants, regardless of the attractiveness of my butt, which I don't need to be watching on TV. Long pants, long pants, long pants.

sandra thompson
2.27.08 @ 10:14a

I'm with Jeffrey on this. Plus the older you whippersnappers get the more you'll appreciate fabric covering various things.

adam kraemer
2.27.08 @ 10:31a

To answer your question, Robert, I wear shorts only to the shower because it gives me a place to keep my locker key. Well, a more comfortable place. I carry my shorts back to the locker with a towel around my waist. Most of the guys in the NY Sports Clubs that I've been to don't seem all that concerned about modesty, actually.

And Russ, even Donald Duck wrapped a towel around his waist when bathing. I always found that odd.

That said, since I've started living alone, I have grown to appreciate the joys of not wearing clothes when I don't want to. Though I think I might be shedding my winter coat.

andrea augustine
2.27.08 @ 1:14p

I'll do my part and just skip the underwear.

beth clement
2.27.08 @ 6:17p

Just the thought of Al Gore wanting me to be naked made me add another layer of clothing......ewwwwww

Also to add to Jeff Walker, think about cooking, on a stove, unless you're now on the raw food diet in which case....no worries!

reem al-omari
2.27.08 @ 7:27p

I have quite a funny story about the proverbial "birthday suit".

I actually didn't know what people meant when they said Birthday Suit until oh... the day I was turning 25. I was working at a very conservative land title company at the time and couldn't get the day off. Incidently I wore a "suit" to work, and got quite a few compliments on how cute it was. Each time I got a compliment, I would say "Thanks! it's my birthday suit!"

I honestly had no idea just exactly what I was saying until I asked a friend over dinner why everyone looked at me weird when I told them it was my birthday suit.

Ok, when you're done laughing, keep in mind that... well... I spent 10 years of my life outside of the US.

maigen thomas
2.27.08 @ 7:43p

I love the column, but I do have to agree with Jeffrey and Sandra: wear pants.

Specifically, men. I've been to way too many nude beaches and the effects of not wearing pants is clear: breasts may sag, but the balls bear the brunt of the lack of skin elasticity.

ken mohnkern
2.27.08 @ 11:18p

Mission accomplished: I'm naked now.

kathy carr
3.18.08 @ 11:09p

Ken, I am with you on this one. Naked, that is, not with you and naked. Actually, I am just teasing Russ, since I am not at home!

russ carr
3.19.08 @ 11:46a

*whimper*

alex b
3.19.08 @ 7:01p

Awww. Poor Russ. (But you guys can always use healthy doses of teasing.)

russ carr
3.19.08 @ 8:22p

39. As the man sang, "You can leave your hat on."



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