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constant craving
*the secret* to success
by heather m. millen

The other day I was sitting at my desk. It was about 4:00 in the afternoon, the day had been a bit stressful and I was greatly in need of a tiny token of relief. Suddenly, I realized that all my soul craved was a cookie. I don't eat cookies very often but who am I to judge what my soul desires? My husband happened to call and I said aloud and with conviction:

"I really want a cookie."


Cookies are good. I used to make cookies with my grandmother. She made these amazing little thumbprint cookies, that were essentially just shortbread cookies with a "thumbprint" of jam on them, but the jam was homemade and they were awesome. Still, I'd have to say peanut butter is my favorite kind of cookie.

Believe (in cookies).

So, I get up from my desk not fifteen minutes later and there in the hallway, on top of the filing cabinet right outside my office, a place I should mention that I have never, ever, before seen offer cookies, a cookie tray had appeared. There was some trumpeting of horns and I believe a ray of light, and on this platter, sat one single solitary cookie. A peanut butter cookie. MY peanut butter cookie. The cosmos had arranged it all for me. I am AWESOME.


Or perhaps a meeting just let out and these were leftovers. But that's the pessimist in me. I'm sure it was the cosmos and it "traveled through centuries to reach me."

This is a basic premise of The Secret and/or its marketing tagline. If you haven't heard of the self-help phenomenon known as The Secret, I would be curious as to which rock you've been hiding under. The Secret, in simple terms, says that you only need to "Ask, Believe and Receive" to achieve all your life's desires. This moment of clarity led me to look into more tenets of The Secret so I could apply them to everyday life.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.*

Piece of cake. I am rather awesome. No, I'm sorry, PERFECT. I manage all relationships perfectly, I'm never inconsiderate, I never make mistakes. Everything I do is the way it should be. Even last week when I shoved down that old man trying to catch the subway. I handled it PERFECTLY, with poise and finesse. Should've seen gramps go down!

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.

Sweet. So I don't have to care what happens to my family or loved ones any more. Their problems are not my problems, their moments of unhappiness, not my issue. I'm just dandy. And gramps had it coming.

Be clear about the amount of money you want to receive. State it and intend it! Don 't think about how much you can earn, but how much you want to receive.

Okay, great. I want a shitload of money. I really, really do. I INTEND it. But I don't want to earn it, I just want to have it. I want to be independently wealthy. Or a thief. I'm not sure. Just get me the damn money.

Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already. Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as "I can't afford it", "It is too expensive".

Oh, see, THIS I can do. I want this new car. I don't need this new car, I don't even have a garage and I live in the city, but it's candy-apple red which makes my thighs look thinner, so I MUST have this new car. It occurs to me that millions of other Americans must also know The Secret, but I always thought it was called credit debt.

The Secret on health, or illness: As you appreciate, as you love, as you are happy, as you are grateful, you are summoning wellbeing and it is pouring through your body and disease is vanishing in the moment.

So, it's the spread of wellbeing through the body, not cancer, that caused 7.6 million deaths worldwide in 2007? Bummer.

Determined to unlock my key to happiness, I decided to give a Vision Board a try. I cut out a bunch photos of things I want and assembled a self-help collage of sorts, prominently displayed above the mantel in my living room. Sadly, I've become no richer or thinner. What I did get out of it was some torn-up magazines, a piece of cardboard with a pony on it uglying up my already crap apartment and, after a dinner party with friends, a newfound complex that I'm a huge freaking loser.

So, maybe I'm better off being Secret-less. I'm all for providing people with the tools they need to attain the happiness they desire. But I think the tools they need are no big secret. People need self-confidence, faith and a dose of serenity to achieve their goals and find happiness. But if you put all your faith in a quick fix solution and super-secret people who claim to have all the answers, you're obviously lacking those key tools. And if you spend all your money on books, DVDs, and daily text messaging services from The Secret to try to find something that you have to locate within yourself, I expect that goal of wealth will remain elusive as well.

I guess maybe I did find The Secret in that peanut butter cookie. It was sweet, delicious, crumbly, gone in five minutes, and it satiated my hunger for the time being with no lasting effects. And if you eat one too many, nausea and self-loathing are sure to set in.

*Excerpts taken from www.thesecret.tv


Heather has a penchant for drama, both personally and professionally. She secretly wishes people spoke in song and wholeheartedly believes that everyone deserves a standing ovation now and again. She finds it appalling that people reserve champagne only for special occasions, when champagne is clearly best on a Tuesday, while riding the subway, accompanying a slice of kick-ass pizza.

more about heather m. millen


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published: 3.28.05

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topic: humor
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sandra thompson
8.29.08 @ 12:09p

Of course, you are perfect. It's obvious from the way you write. Don't let any fool tell you differently.

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