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obama is muslin!
headlines, replay
by tracey l. kelley (@TraceyLKelley)

It’s the Wednesday before the 2008 Presidential Election.

The American election process. Otherwise known as “What Dude Would You Rather Have a Beer With? The Public (Well, Sorta) Decides.”

You’re dry-heaving-into-a-plastic-bucket sick of the glaring headlines.



Nevertheless, rubbernecker that you are, you can’t help but gawk until you crash.

So, in the tradition of “Heeeey, didn’t she do this before?”, here are some more headlines we’d like to see.

Joe the Plumber Gets Own Reality Show! Uncovers the Dirty Business of Laying Pipe

John Kerry Throws Temper Tantrum on Senate Floor! “Why Didn’t Democrats Like Meeeee?”

Tom Colicchio Takes Out Hit on Rachel Ray! Sinks Her in a Vat of EVOO

Pixar Team to Pen Chick Flicks! Talking Cars and Robots Better Than The Women and P.S. I Love You

Current Economy Slashes Holiday Shopping Habits! Makes the Aleve "Buy One, Give One" Promotion Look Generous

Mattel Releasing Sarah Palin Barbie Line! Includes Caribou Barbie, Sore Loser Midge, and Knocked-Up-at-17 Skipper

Dennis Leary Opens Mouth, Crap Falls Out! Cymbal-Clapping Monkeys Follow Behind to Cleanup

Guy Ritchie Shocked to Discover Madonna a Cruel Egomaniac! Also Just Learned Santa is Not Real

Obama Supporters Flood Jesse Jackson with Mountain Oysters! Card Reads: “Since You Wanted Obama’s So Badly…”

Lorne Michaels Buys Tina Fey Aleutian Islands! “It’s the Least I Can Do -- She Saved My Lame Ass Show.”

U2 and Live Nation Sell Souls to Devil! But Bono Can Now Buy Aid for Africa Without U.S. Help

Bill O'Reilly to Appear on "Chocolate News"! Right After the Easter Bunny and Osama Bin Laden

Tim Gunn to Join New Administration! “Problems with the Economy? Make it Work!”

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni in Three-Way with Billy Bob Thornton! We Couldn’t Make This Up

Joe Lieberman Switches Sides! Has All the Political Integrity of a Windsock

Nicole Ritchie Stars on "Chuck"! Adds Absolutely Nothing Necessary to Role, but Pretends to Eat

Bill Ayers a Ticking Time Bomb! After 35 Years, Could Blow at Any Minute

Matt Lauer Roasted by Friar's Club! Hack Comedians Glad to Have Another Night on Stage For...Anybody

Dick Cheney Takes Ventriloquist Lessons from Jeff Dunham! Wants to Expand Puppetry Skills Post-Administration

Angelina Jolie Stalks Mia Farrow! “I -Will- Have More Children Than You, Strange Elfin Woman”

Bill and Hillary Take Celine's Place in Vegas! Multi-Year, Multi-Million Deal Takes Away Sting of Political Obscurity

Stock Market Plummet Not True! Really a Bobby Ewing Dream Sequence

"Sassy" Elizabeth Hasselbeck Lusts After Karl Rove! "Pasty, Devious Men Turn Me On"

"Dancing With the Stars" This Decade’s “Circus of the Stars”! Expect “Stars in Combat” in 2010

Joe Biden's Footwear to be Created from Fruit Rollups! Makes Them Much Easier to Nibble After Appearances

Mary-Kate and Ashley Tell Oprah They Eat Breakfast! Millions of Little Girls Decide To Give It a Try

George W. Bush Yells “Quack” and Trips In Front of Press Corps! “I’m a Lame Duck, Get It?”

Phish Reunites! Too Stoned to Remember Where They Invested the Money

Obama is Muslin! Crazy Lady at McCain Rally Convinced This Makes Him Harder to Sew and Thus, Harder to Trust


Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou

more about tracey l. kelley


we need an ice cream
and other things overheard on a candidate's tour bus
by tracey l. kelley
topic: humor
published: 2.26.07

god for president 2012
the official statement
by tracey l. kelley
topic: humor
published: 3.28.12


juli mccarthy
10.29.08 @ 2:04a

"all the political integrity of a windsock"
That is a ridiculously funny line.

sandra thompson
10.29.08 @ 7:47a

Truly great comedy writing!

adam kraemer
10.29.08 @ 10:07a

You made a "Dallas" reference. Wow.

lisa r
10.29.08 @ 10:09a

That was my favorite, too, Juli. Someone needs to explain to Lieberman that pedalling backward on a 10-speed gets you nowhere.

jael mchenry
10.29.08 @ 10:31a

I know it's a joke, I know he's got no experience, I know celebrity is no help whatsoever when it comes to real governance, and I've never heard him express any political opinion... and I'd still vote for Tim Gunn.

anya werner
10.29.08 @ 11:52a

Perhaps we have a Gunn in 12 movement starting here... I'd vote for him.

dave lentell
10.31.08 @ 9:21a

Two things -

1. I know Osama Bin Laden is real, and I know that the Easter Bunny is not real. I have not yet decided if Bill O'Reilly is real or not.

2. If Elizabeth Hasselback likes pasty, devious men, then I've got a great shot with her. Good to know.

Funny stuff as always. I needed the laugh this morning.

dan gonzalez
11.2.08 @ 10:48p

This is funny as hell.

Particularly loved the rip on Bono. He's fucking lucky Joshua Tree didn't tank!

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