It’s the Wednesday before the 2008 Presidential Election.
The American election process. Otherwise known as “What Dude Would You Rather Have a Beer With? The Public (Well, Sorta) Decides.”
You’re dry-heaving-into-a-plastic-bucket sick of the glaring headlines.
OBAMA SPENDS MORE MONEY ON CAMPAIGNING THAN THE ENTIRE FEDERAL BUDGET OF FRANCE!
JOHN MCCAIN PICKED SARAH PALIN AS V.P. RUNNING MATE! NO, REALLY!
Nevertheless, rubbernecker that you are, you can’t help but gawk until you crash.
So, in the tradition of “Heeeey, didn’t she do this before?”, here are some more headlines we’d like to see.
Joe the Plumber Gets Own Reality Show! Uncovers the Dirty Business of Laying Pipe
John Kerry Throws Temper Tantrum on Senate Floor! “Why Didn’t Democrats Like Meeeee?”
Tom Colicchio Takes Out Hit on Rachel Ray! Sinks Her in a Vat of EVOO
Pixar Team to Pen Chick Flicks! Talking Cars and Robots Better Than The Women and P.S. I Love You
Current Economy Slashes Holiday Shopping Habits! Makes the Aleve "Buy One, Give One" Promotion Look Generous
Mattel Releasing Sarah Palin Barbie Line! Includes Caribou Barbie, Sore Loser Midge, and Knocked-Up-at-17 Skipper
Dennis Leary Opens Mouth, Crap Falls Out! Cymbal-Clapping Monkeys Follow Behind to Cleanup
Guy Ritchie Shocked to Discover Madonna a Cruel Egomaniac! Also Just Learned Santa is Not Real
Obama Supporters Flood Jesse Jackson with Mountain Oysters! Card Reads: “Since You Wanted Obama’s So Badly…”
Lorne Michaels Buys Tina Fey Aleutian Islands! “It’s the Least I Can Do -- She Saved My Lame Ass Show.”
U2 and Live Nation Sell Souls to Devil! But Bono Can Now Buy Aid for Africa Without U.S. Help
Bill O'Reilly to Appear on "Chocolate News"! Right After the Easter Bunny and Osama Bin Laden
Tim Gunn to Join New Administration! “Problems with the Economy? Make it Work!”
David Duchovny and Tea Leoni in Three-Way with Billy Bob Thornton! We Couldn’t Make This Up
Joe Lieberman Switches Sides! Has All the Political Integrity of a Windsock
Nicole Ritchie Stars on "Chuck"! Adds Absolutely Nothing Necessary to Role, but Pretends to Eat
Bill Ayers a Ticking Time Bomb! After 35 Years, Could Blow at Any Minute
Matt Lauer Roasted by Friar's Club! Hack Comedians Glad to Have Another Night on Stage For...Anybody
Dick Cheney Takes Ventriloquist Lessons from Jeff Dunham! Wants to Expand Puppetry Skills Post-Administration
Angelina Jolie Stalks Mia Farrow! “I -Will- Have More Children Than You, Strange Elfin Woman”
Bill and Hillary Take Celine's Place in Vegas! Multi-Year, Multi-Million Deal Takes Away Sting of Political Obscurity
Stock Market Plummet Not True! Really a Bobby Ewing Dream Sequence
"Sassy" Elizabeth Hasselbeck Lusts After Karl Rove! "Pasty, Devious Men Turn Me On"
"Dancing With the Stars" This Decade’s “Circus of the Stars”! Expect “Stars in Combat” in 2010
Joe Biden's Footwear to be Created from Fruit Rollups! Makes Them Much Easier to Nibble After Appearances
Mary-Kate and Ashley Tell Oprah They Eat Breakfast! Millions of Little Girls Decide To Give It a Try
George W. Bush Yells “Quack” and Trips In Front of Press Corps! “I’m a Lame Duck, Get It?”
Phish Reunites! Too Stoned to Remember Where They Invested the Money
Obama is Muslin! Crazy Lady at McCain Rally Convinced This Makes Him Harder to Sew and Thus, Harder to Trust
Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
10.29.08 @ 2:04a
"all the political integrity of a windsock"
That is a ridiculously funny line.
10.29.08 @ 7:47a
Truly great comedy writing!
10.29.08 @ 10:07a
You made a "Dallas" reference. Wow.
10.29.08 @ 10:09a
That was my favorite, too, Juli. Someone needs to explain to Lieberman that pedalling backward on a 10-speed gets you nowhere.
10.29.08 @ 10:31a
I know it's a joke, I know he's got no experience, I know celebrity is no help whatsoever when it comes to real governance, and I've never heard him express any political opinion... and I'd still vote for Tim Gunn.
10.29.08 @ 11:52a
Perhaps we have a Gunn in 12 movement starting here... I'd vote for him.
10.31.08 @ 9:21a
Two things -
1. I know Osama Bin Laden is real, and I know that the Easter Bunny is not real. I have not yet decided if Bill O'Reilly is real or not.
2. If Elizabeth Hasselback likes pasty, devious men, then I've got a great shot with her. Good to know.
Funny stuff as always. I needed the laugh this morning.
11.2.08 @ 10:48p
This is funny as hell.
Particularly loved the rip on Bono. He's fucking lucky Joshua Tree didn't tank!