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clinging bitterly
i still believe in a place called mope
by mike julianelle

I have so much hate in my heart and nowhere to put it.

Walking home through my wildly liberal neighborhood Tuesday night, the scene was positively surreal. Strangers were high-fiving each other in the street, people were banging pots and pans with cheerful abandon, drivers were leaning on their horns in glee. It was like being at the crumbling of the Berlin Wall or the assassination of the cast of "The Hills." Utter pandemonium.

I’ve never seen such an outpouring of happiness for a political event; it was inspiring. Everyone was ecstatic. Everyone but me.

I don’t write about politics. I leave that to people far more qualified or far more loud. But I do write about hate. Hate I know. Hate I love. But now I don’t know what to do with mine. Suddenly it’s not so easily directed at Southerners or Evangelicals or the Fly-Over states. Obama won. Convincingly. And while those groups may have voted against him, who cares? They lost.

And I'm not sure that's a good thing for my charred, black heart.

I was more than ready for the opposite result. My car was stuffed with Ramen, Gatorade Propel and Rush's Chronicles for the long drive to Canada. I had even prepared a pseudonym under which to write anti-American screeds (Who needs America, eh?). But now, with the election of Barack Obama, I no longer need to run from my country in shame and fear. And that kind of sucks. Hosers.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this election solved all of America's problems or that McCain would have been as bad a President as Bush. That’s basically impossible. Nor am I so naive as to expect Obama to hold up all the promises he's made over the last two years when he takes office. But things have to be looking up, at least a bit.

Things have been good in this country before but things haven't been this bad in a long time. And like a drug addict, America had to hit bottom before it could pick itself up off the mat. It's possible we have further to fall, but we seem pretty close. So our trajectory should improve, unless Obama turns out to be the Antichrist.

Unfortunately we've likely dodged that bullet, since it's obvious that Sarah Palin is the Antichrist and she's back on Wasilla Main Street, freezin' over. Also, too. [Editor's note: You betcha! *wink*]

And that's a shame. Because not only would having the Antichrist in the Oval Office be a refreshing throwback to the Nixon administration, it would probably be a lot of fun, in a "what it's like to live in Utah" kind of way. As it stands, the next few years might be pretty boring (ironically, also in a "what it's like to live in Utah" kind of way), provided we avoid another Depression and more terrorist attacks and more funny Presidential malapropisms. The problem is, it's hard to hate boring, unless you're talking about emo bands or other people's babies.

I’m not the only one suffering. Just the other night on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart commented about the difficulty of being funny during Obama’s upcoming presidency. But “The Daily Show” finds humor in the media’s coverage of politics, not necessarily the politicians themselves, and something tells me (maybe it was the holograms) that they won't be wanting for material.

I’m not worried about being funny, I’m worried about being angry.

Thankfully, Bush has more than two months left in the Oval Office, so there's that to keep me going for a while. And California rejected gay marriage on election day, so there's still a hefty group of bigots I can hate. Plus, despite Obama's win, FrankTV is still on the air. Now that I think of it, America is the greatest country in the world, and it's full of assholes that aren't going away anytime soon.

I should be okay after all, especially now that Tina Fey won't be on SNL doing her Palin impression much longer. If I can't safely hate the train wreck that is "Saturday Night Live," all is truly lost.

Say hi to your mother for me.


Let's get real here. You don't want to know about me. You want to know about "me".

more about mike julianelle


oh, great. expectations.
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topic: humor
published: 9.6.10

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topic: humor
published: 6.11.10


jeffrey walker
11.7.08 @ 11:13a

I don’t write about politics. I leave that to people far more qualified or far more loud. Is at least the second half of that said with me in mind? Not that I'd protest...

mike julianelle
11.7.08 @ 2:54p

Nope, not about you. Mostly about the so-called pundits every news station piles all over the airwaves. And also Gonzo.

lucy lediaev
11.7.08 @ 2:58p

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Obama in the White House does not mean that as a nation we'll turn into polite, caring, and sensitive individuals. I suspect that Obama in the White House will bring out some of the nut jobs who've been lurking in the background. They aren't involved in the political process, but will protest via violent means when things don't turn out as they hope and expect.

sandra thompson
11.7.08 @ 8:29p

I'm on a Yahoo list of Clintonistas, and was thrown off another one, whose members are unashamedly planning non-violent as well as violent protests of Obama's election. You'll have plenty of people to hate. If you want I can always forward their incredibly stupid and often quite mad ravings to you. (BTW, the term Clintonista as I use it only includes those very bitter Hillary supporters who took a turn toward the dark side after the primary and mostly voted for McCain, not the sensible Hillary supporters who actually support Hillary and her ideas.) I personally think they're all talk and no walk at all, but if they do as they say they want to do, we'll be learning about them in the news any minute now.

I just hope all my leftish compadres (or comrades, if you prefer) don't get too terribly upset when Barack starts governing from the center and actually puts some repuglicans in his cabinet. I will tell you this: for the second time in my adult life I am really proud of my country. The first time was in 1965, when we passed the civil rights bill. So sue me! I think I should be able to count on being proud of it every 43 years.

dan gonzalez
11.18.08 @ 4:29a

You dumbass. You think we've hit rock bottom because uninspired supposed comedians like Stewart, Colbert, and Maher have proclaimed it so? Because they've suddenly run out of easy material? Bush was like shooting fish in a barrel, a human fucking pinata, and these pussies took the easy road, never did anything dangerous or creative, just played the same old fucking song. Now, these titans of insight, these rebel geniuses, not one of them has the balls to make a joke about our half-white president-elect, he who is currently pining away for the precious blackberry he now has to give up to be president?

This is despite the fact that he, Obama that is, is a stammering fucking idiot when he is not on a scripted teleprompter. This is also despite the fact that no one ever asked him why he thinks he should the first candidate in a presidential election to spit in the face of public financing and use Oprah and George Soros money to take out a 30-minute infomercial about himself.

I promise you, you would be filled will hate right now if you were older and less swayed by the fy-dolla whores we call our media.

I'm an atheist too, MJ, but the only thing I hate more than priests telling me that God exists are ignorant liberal zealots telling me that Obama is going to save the world by delivering us from that phantom evil of the past we call 'freedom' and 'capitalism'.

Trust me, there will be plenty of hate to go around for the next 4 or 8 years, and none of it has to do with race or any stupid shit like that. It has to do with arrogance.

sandra thompson
11.18.08 @ 7:28a

Once again, I want it duly noted that you've injected the name-calling into the discussion. How much older than 74 do I have to be to understand your passionate hatred of everything I hold dear? Frack you and your inability to resist viciousness!

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