dear santa, let's talk. again.
another visit to the north pole fatty with a whole new list
by alex b
Yeah, it's me again. The same demanding complainer from last year. I can tell you're looking around for an escape route, but too bad. You're stuck.
C'mon. Don't look so frightened. I'm actually not here to be a complete pain in the ass. After all, you DID listen to me on the more important bits from last year's Christmas list. My friend Paul* is living with AIDS surprisingly well. My parents are holding up nicely. And, you even gave me a boy to date over the summer. (Granted, he broke up with me for a bong and World of Warcraft, so now I think your taste is suspect. However, I can tell you tried.)
BUT, even though you gave striking WGA writers a favorable outcome, you didn't quite listen to me on a few counts. So far, this season of "Heroes" blows. VH-1 is still belching out reality shows with such quality individuals named Megan, Real, or Chance. And, you still only work one night instead of eight. (I've thought about becoming Jewish, but then we'd never get to have these conversations).
So, let's do this again. This time, let's hope you get this right:
1. A Proposition 8 repeal.
Okay. I understand that this is going to take a little time, so I'll be glad to wait for however long that takes. But seriously, please help California successfully strike Proposition 8 from law. Maybe it's a question of encouraging Marc Shaiman to make another terrific musical, or simply exhorting more gay groups to mobilize and fundraise as aggressively as Proposition 8's supporters did. But, it has to happen. Hate and fear shouldn't be legalized principle. And there's no real reason why the word "marriage" doesn't apply to gay men or women. (Whatever you think up, I'd be glad to help. If that includes stuffing illegal copies of Milk down their stockings, I'm game.)
2. A decent, qualified candidate for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat.
Now that Hillary Clinton has the opportunity to ruffle feathers and do her usual buy-one-Clinton-get-one-free shtick overseas, New York needs a new Senator. Hopefully, Gov. David J. Patterson will pick someone who can represent down in D.C. and is tough enough for union organizations. Though Caroline Kennedy is a possibility from the nostalgic end of the spectrum, someone who just doesn't fall for hookers is a good start.
3. A decent, qualified candidate for Barack Obama's Senate seat.
As in, someone who wouldn't have bought the seat from Gov. Rod J. Blagojevich.
4. An Oscar nomination for James Franco.
I love, love, LOVE James Franco. As it is, I already love him for Pineapple Express; I never knew he could play a stoner dealer as lovably has he did. But, the fact that he's gone gay convincingly in Milk makes me adore him. The Supporting Actor category may be wiped out with posthumous Heath Ledger nostalgia, but hopefully, this guy gets recognized for being as talented as he is.
5. Better shows on Bravo.
I love Bravo for "Top Chef" and "Project Runway", but the rest of its reality programming stinks. "Top Design" has a fun premise and the endearing Todd Oldham, but the rest of its cast (including a bizarrely dressed Kelly Wearstler) doesn't have the same panache as Tim Gunn, Tom Colicchio, and Padma Lakshmi. And, though "Top Chef" inspires me to cook, the entire "Real Housewives" series just makes me wish I had a yacht, Botox, and a sugar daddy on the verge of completely conking out. So please, more cool shows, and less programming that makes me feel incredibly bitter.
6. Better writing on "Heroes." PLEASE.
The once-terrific show has sunk to absolutely sucky, inconsistent depths with just about all of its characters. Whether or not you can save it is totally up to you. I might not even care if it's canceled by next year. But in the meantime, throw a couple smacks to whoever made Masi Oka irritating as a grown man and a regressed ten-year-old.
7. The identity of the fifth and final Cylon.
Of course, I want to know this because the last ten episodes of "Battlestar Galactica" are coming back on January 16th. Plus, I'd just like to beat my little brother (and a couple Intrepidites) to the punch.
8. Make the Jonas Brothers go away.
Though I'm sure you've been bombarded by thousands of requests for their would-be rock CD, these pretty boys with manicured monobrow are just Disney-pushed crack twerps riding a vibe that Hanson (I mean seriously, Hanson?!) started some time back in recent history. And. while you're at it, if you manage to eradicate the whole line of Disney-created and aggressively pushed tween stars, then I promise that I won't pick on anybody. For a whole year. Even if I'm cranky at work. Really.
9. Let Bettie Page be properly commemorated.
Somehow, if you can manage to teach today's crop of commando-flaunting celebrities how to actually work sexuality with style, please, please do. Crotch-flashing the paparazzi is so, so wrong. In the meantime, throw a little more success to Dita Von Teese. That one's got it right.
10. A safe delivery for my girl Pixie Diamond's little gem.
A dear friend of mine, Pixie Diamond, is on the verge of popping out her first little genetic clone of a gem. As I, her family, and several friends have already bombarded her with just about every onesie possible (especially those with feet), please let her have a safe delivery for her soon-to-be-born little nugget.
11. A Chocolate-of-the-Month membership with Jacques Torres.
Okay. Seriously. This man from the culinary world is known as "Mr. Chocolate" for a damn good reason. And I won't mind the five extra pounds.
12. A Bacon-of-the-Month membership.
Thanks to this website and my friends, I now irrationally love bacon even more than I ever did before. So, a membership would be pretty damn handy. And, I won't mind the five other extra pounds.
13. A David Morgan bullwhip.
The most glaring omission from last year is the David Morgan bullwhip. I need it. Seriously. Not just for sport cracking, but so when I take a little time out in California, I can scare some of the sneaky religious fucks who got Proposition 8 passed.
Anyway, that's it. I don't have much more to ask than that, and can't think of any other material thing that I covet enough to have. If you feel like being tangibly generous to me, then I can handle owning the entire "Battlestar Galactica" series on DVD (or just a handy little "Frack You" T-shirt).
But, uh, next time you try to fix me up with a guy, please. No pot chimneys, okay?
An expert in coloring outside the lines while reading between them, Alex B has a head for business, bod for sin, and weakness for ice cream during all seasons. Apart from watching Bravo marathons and enjoying haute bites here and there, she writes about TV, pop culture, and coloring outside even more lines. She sneaks Tweets via @lexistential.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
12.15.08 @ 8:29a
Since letters to Santa are the irreligious way of praying, I reckon, you should have said something about world peace, but, otherwise, this letter was perfeect. Alex, you always have an interesting tack on things, and I really hope you find a totally copasetic male companion. Yes, you can!
12.15.08 @ 10:14a
I second most of these, especially #10.
But, as a part-time employee of the Nielsen company, I can tell you that Bravo is a bunch of whores who would sell out every single minute of quality TV to the highest bidder. They don't deserve to have better shows.
12.15.08 @ 5:29p
Hi Sandra! Thanks for the kudos. A male companion would be nice, but I need to be careful about how I phrase that. Santa could send me a collie instead. So, I'd rather not worry too much about that. I'd like someone eventually, someone without a pot cloud hanging around them. (I'd also like a motorcycle, and I might take that first.)
And Kraemer, it's too bad about Bravo. Especially given that "Project Runway" is attempting to move over to Lifetime. Maybe it'll remain at Bravo because of ongoing litigation, but other than that and "Top Chef", the shows suck.
12.15.08 @ 11:41p
I only watched the first two season 3 Heroes episodes, but was rather disappointed. Don't tell me what happens as I haven't finished season 2 yet and need to know how everything got so screwy. I think maybe they wrote themselves into a corner. This is what happens when you start screwing around with the space-time continuum though. Maybe the season finale will have Hiro go back to the beginning of Season 3 and start lopping the writers heads off and they'll get to start over again. Wistful thinking I'm sure.
12.15.08 @ 11:52p
Hi Michael! I just finished watching tonight's Heroes ep, which may be one of the items on my list with an early delivery. If you're going to check it out, the Season 1 DVD is worth Netflixing. Great to see you here, and welcome to Intrepid!
12.16.08 @ 1:06a
I got this covered, just call me Santa Gonz.
1. Unfortunately, this was decided by the popular vote in Cali. Democracy sucks sometimes, just look at who won the last 6 presidential elections. Unfortunately, in our version of democracy, the courts aren't allowed to subjugate the will of the people when it has been clearly expressed in free elections. Santa can't help you with this one, but Stalin Claus could.
2. This one, I can help you with. I'm glad that you brought it up, and I'm happy to run for it. This is way easier than my current job, I don't even have to live there to do it, and Hillary didn't do shit the entire time she had it, so it should be a very easy gig for me, and much cheaper than the seat I've been trying to buy in Illinois.
3. You couldn't pay most people to take a seat in the cesspool that is Chicaogo liberal politics. And yet, Blago was stupid enough to try to sell it. And stupider even to find that he had no buyers. Sadly, there is now no hope whatsoever that the seat will be filled by a credible person. At least Obama is clean, it's not like he grew up politically with people like that...
4. Oscars mean shit. Yeah, he's talented, and better-looking than me if you happen to favor goofy-looking guys, but don't sweat this one. They gave it to Marisa Tomei one time, remember?
5. Bravo is a bigotous channel that viciously oppresses straight people. I'm shocked and disappointed that you even watch it. In order to improve your personal tolerance of diversity, I hereby sentence you to 2 straight months of Spike.
6. This show jumped the shark along time ago and has been on life support ever since. (Very disappointing for those of us who are addicted to it.) But, nonetheless, we are beyond better writing and onto faith-healers and miracle-workers at this point. On the other hand, maybe the answer is as simple as Mike Julianelle. I feel strongly that he could possibly save it from blubbering oblivion, if he only gave a shit.
7. In what seems to be a remarkable coincidence, the identity of the fifth and final Cylon actually has been revealed, and it is none other than Mike Julianelle. This was only evident if you ripped the correct ep off your dvr and then played the soundtrack backwards through x11amp, where you clearly heard the words 'Once I was a little child, and I met a cylon, whose power was satan, and he gave me a fluffy glove, and a son who would dust, and his power was Michael Julianelle.'
8. I have, in my current possession, a 12-gauge, semi-automatic Mossberg 'Persuader'. Therefore, I could probably 'persuade' them to go away, but I don't think, in the end, I could whack all three of them at once. I would like to tag one of those skinny-jeans wearing fufus in the ass with a load of buckshot, just once, to see if would feel as good as I think it would. I'm bettin'
12.16.08 @ 1:28a
tie Page was a real, very unique woman, and Gretchen Mol did a good job trying to capture all of her subtleties. Dita is not nearly as nuanced, despite her narrow waist and throwback looks. Also, she dated Marilyn Fucking Douchebag, and no woman who does that could ever be accused of either taste or intelligence.
10. Peace, love, and happiness to the next generation. I hope they are not as big of assholes as we seem to be!
11. If you have at least 2 X chromosomes, you biologically need chocolate, and you will crave it if you cannot get it. We've seen what happens when you don't, it's like Gremlims if Romero directed it. Consider this one a given.
12. I think you're confusing eating pork with getting porked. You probably just need the latter. Call me if you can't find someone to deliver a good porking at least once-a-month, I'm pretty sure I can hook you up.
13. Nice goin'. You just chased away all comers for number 12. Oh well, maybe chocolate does actually taste like an orgasm.
12.16.08 @ 1:32a
Santa Gonz!!! I never knew you had this in the bag. But I've gotta point out...
1. Stalin Claus probably already exists with the religious right. He's got a Bible, leather jackboots, and the totalitarian vibe they love so much. It's a real heartbreaker to see that Prop. 8 passed into law, and I think that's slapped quite a few gay groups into organizing themselves pretty fiercely. Fingers crossed for California.
2. Take care of the union guys and get a little drunk. But don't buy into the hookers.
3. How Chicago copes with mandatory campaign finance is going to be pretty interesting, since it's got a rep as an American Moscow.
4. Sorry, but James Franco isn't just a goofy-looking guy. He's a talented, pretty guy. I don't hold good looks against Clive Owen or Hugh Jackman, and I won't hold 'em against Franco, either.
5. Two months of Spike? Where's the wings?
6. "Heroes" has sucked all season. Tonight's ep was the best I'd seen in a long time- people obviously wrote themselves into stupid, sucky corners, and they might get out of it yet.
7. I'm going to have to test that theory.
8. Gotta say, I'm liking your style there.
9. Bettie Page had phenomenal style. I liked the Gretchen Mol pic. I don't hold it against Dita Von Teese that she was married to Manson, but hey, everyone has a Marilyn moment. Mine ended at 22. Hers ended with a divorce, luckily.
10. Thank you!
11. Dude, I just ate Swiss rolls because I'm fiending.
12. Oh, trust me, if I want the latter, I can get the latter. I'm just thinking about bacon-wrapped beef tenderloin. And other yummy pieces of meat.
13. Hey, I need something to chase off and scare the sneaky fucks with!
12.16.08 @ 1:46a
My massive post got disemboweled by Joe's oppressive posting limits.
Aw well. Hope you get want you want, Alex, but you can't always, you know? So I hope, if that is the case, and if you try sometime, that you might find, you got what you needed.
12.16.08 @ 2:07a
Thanks Gonz! Even if I don't get everything I want, I have a feeling I'll still see some good times in the process. Especially with #'s 11, 12, and 13. Happy holidays to you, too! :-)
12.17.08 @ 1:01a
Oh, and Gonz, I hate to say this, but #2 isn't a shoo-in for you anymore. Caroline Kennedy is definitely going for the Senate seat.
12.17.08 @ 10:37a
Alex and Kramer, thanks. Alex politics and junk t.v. ? What the hell your wish list stinks! lol
Other that #10 on course. And Dan.... Sorry, but my kid will definitely be a little asshole. :-)
12.17.08 @ 6:02p
Pixie, my Christmas wish list is all about politics and TV, but it's also about chocolate, bacon, and leather goods. ("Heroes" has become crap TV, but I'll have to fight you on "Battlestar Galactica").
And on #10... if your kid definitely takes pages from you, he's gonna be one heckuva a handful. And you're gonna be the one keeping him in line. :-)
12.28.08 @ 7:42p
Heavens. Thanks to this Christmas list, my friend John decided to get me chocolate-covered bacon as a gift. I'm in awe and almost afraid to try it.