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we are all melodious
intrepid karaoke party 2008!
by russ carr (@DocOrlando70)

So, 2008 may not have been the best of years. Here at the Intrepid Media Home Office (IMHO), we can relate. When polled about the last 12 months, our oldest staffers labeled it "miserable"; our junior writers called it "most heinous"; and our intern dubbed it "teh suck."

Whatcha gonna do? Bawl in your nog?


Nothing shakes those wistful year-end doldrums like doing shots of cranberry vodka and belting out carols into a live microphone. And since Christmas is all about sharing, we invited some less fortunate souls whose year was clearly worse than any of ours.

Then we got 'em buzzed. Then we shoved 'em on stage.

Never mind that they didn't exactly get the lyrics right; who knew some of them could actually SING?!

What Child is This?
(as sung by Miley Cyrus)

What child is this, who sprawled across
Her daddy's lap is posing
Who coyly sits for Leibovitz
Her neck and back exposing?

This, this is Miley - me!
On glossy stock for all to see
I won't be fifteen for long
Gonna market myself while I'm able
The Disney people all wailed at me,
"This mag your innocence bludgeons!"
But I'm not nude; why, I'm a prude
Compared to Vanessa Ann Hudgens

Folks moan that I'm just a kid
But I'm doin' what John and Yoko did
Pornography? No, it's art, you'll see
(That's what Annie told me to tell you.)
Please buy my music, watch my show
So Disney won't desert me
As queen of tweens I'll pout and preen
And get more fame as you pervert me

This, this is Miley - me!
Exposing my sexuality
I won't be fifteen for long
Better download my pics while you're able

(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays
(as sung by Gov. Sarah Palin)

Oh there's no place like Nome for the holidays
Or Anchorage, or Juneau, don'tcha know?
Though I'd hoped to be packing for a D.C. place
I'll be stuck here in Wasilla in the snow.

I hoped to hitch my sleigh to John McCain
'Cause He was headin' for
Pennsylvania Avenue;
You bet we tried!
But 1600 Pennsylvania's
going to that Muslim guy
Didn't get to keep my wardrobe
Had to slink back to this snowglobe

Oh there's no place like Nome for the holidays
Though you'll see me in 2012, my friend
But there's nothing to do in this lonely place
Guess I'll see if Todd can knock me up again.

The Little Drummer Boy
(as sung by Sen. H.R. Clinton)

"Come," he told me, pa rum pum pum pum
Our brand new prez-to-be, pa rum pum pum pum
To Chi-town could I wing? pa rum pum pum pum
My husband please don't bring, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Campaign payback time? pa rum pum pum pum
Sure, I'll come!

Wise Obama, pa rum pum pum pum
My Senate seat's too small, pa rum pum pum pum
Tho' Biden is your veep, pa rum pum pum pum
My counsel you should keep, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
A worthy cabinet post, pa rum pum pum pum
I won't shy from!

Barack nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
"Will State Department do?" pa rum pum pum pum
I grinned. But then said he, pa rum pum pum pum
"It's right where you must be," pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Then he smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
"Under my thumb."

We Three Kings
(as sung by the CEOs of Chrysler, GM and Ford)

We three kings of Michigan are;
Hands held out, we've traveled so far
Driving slow on interstates so
Our humbleness we'll not mar

O Feds of wonder, Feds of might,
Feds with bailout checks to write
With cash perhaps we'll dodge collapse
We'll accept your oversight
We built Hummers, Escalades, too
Soccer moms bought more than a few
Cheap rice burners aren't head-turners!
We didn't know what oil'd do.

O Feds of wonder, Feds of might,
Feds with bailout checks to write
We're not thriving; no one's driving!
Give us cash to end this blight.
Hybrids, fuel cells, natural gas
Asians' research we'll soon surpass
To earn good graces, we'll skip raises
For rank and file...not brass.

O Feds of wonder, Feds of might,
Feds with bailout checks to write
Want our affection come election?
Forty billion...that sounds right.

By midnight, things were winding down. Since just about everyone was scheduled to appear in Federal hearings the next day, we felt obligated to turn off the mirrorballs and start herding folks toward their limos.

But as usual, there's always one straggler who isn't ready to admit the party's over...so we all turned back to hear:

(as sung by Miss Lindsay Lohan)

When I was but a youngster,
Christmas meant one thing,
That I’d be getting lots of toys that day.
I learned a whole lot different,
When Dina sat me down,
And taught me to spell Christmas this way:

"C" is for Cristal, the best champagne around
"H" for Hollywood where I'm a star
"R" means out of Rehab
"I" is In again. *sigh* And again.
"S" is for...Samantha, my sexy DJ friend...

No...okay, I'm NOT a lesbian, really, please get over it; I can see whoever I want. Stop looking at me. Where was I? Uh...wait.
"T"...that's right...um..."T" is for...Tickets?
I hope I don't pulled over on the way home. In fact, maybe someone should call me a cab. You did already? Oh, you are SO sweet, thanks!

Okay what's left? Oh, wait, I remember:
"M" is for Marilyn. I wish I were her.
I mean, not dead, but like... I've really tried to be like her and even did that naked photo shoot with the wig and that rather staggering dose of barbituates. I felt like somehow I was trace...no...I mean...transcending into her. I mean, I even had that same dead photographer guy so it was like he was looking in the camera and looking at me but seeing her, so somewhere inside the camera I really WAS her. Oh, wow...I never really thought of that before. So...that means "M" is really for "Me," right?

What? My cab's here? Did I finish spelling Christmas? Oh, wait, wait -- I forgot the finish!
And that’s why there’s a Christmas day!
And that’s why there’s a Christmas day!


If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.

more about russ carr


happy birthday suit
gonna have you naked by the end of this column
by russ carr
topic: humor
published: 2.27.08

chow, baby
it takes guts to eat these days
by russ carr
topic: humor
published: 2.18.04


juli mccarthy
12.19.08 @ 12:22a

Nobody does this as well as Russ.

alex b
12.19.08 @ 1:17a

*snicker* Lohan is so not really gay.

robert melos
12.19.08 @ 4:57a

I love the Lohan Christmas song. That is priceless.

jael mchenry
12.19.08 @ 10:32a

I am going to spend all day looking for an appropriate conversation where I can slip in "bawl in your nog".

jeffrey walker
12.19.08 @ 10:42a

You should hook up with Mark Russell and produce these things.

russ carr
12.19.08 @ 11:21a

I'd have to hook up with someone, given I can't play piano (or any other instrument). If Rocko Dorsey ever wants to do a parody album? I'm your guy.

daniel castro
12.19.08 @ 2:06p

A+, sir.

lucy lediaev
12.19.08 @ 5:05p

These gave me a much-needed laugh on a Friday afternoon when everything that can go wrong has gone wrong at work. I'm starting to see a break in the clouds, but expect a second onslaught on Monday. I'm at the end of a project and on Monday, I'll be expected to do in 1.5 days what normally takes a week. I think I'll start on uppers this weekend.

tracey kelley
12.20.08 @ 10:35a

"Under my thumb"


All very funny. I love parodies.

sandra thompson
12.21.08 @ 9:14a

Excellent fun! Thanks, Russ.

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