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25 random things about the internet
by the internet
by michelle von euw

1. First, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I mean, you’re here every day, you know me pretty well, or at least, you know parts of me pretty well. I am kind of vast. Maybe there are random things you haven’t quite gotten around to learning about me yet, and you’re hoping to find out one of my deepest secrets. (Good luck with that.)

2. I have a beef to pick with the word “random.” These things are, technically, not random but very carefully selected out of a very large storehouse of facts about me, but who am I to split hairs over a definition? Grammar -- not to mention spelling, or correct apostrophe usage, judging by the majority of me -- is apparently not my strong point.

3. I like serifs. People think I don’t, but I really do. I mean, not everywhere, and not every day, but I’m getting kind of sick of all the Verdana and the Arial and oh my god, now this Calibri.

4. I can speak 1,457 languages, not including the made up ones.

5. I’ve travelled a lot, but my favorite place is right here, at home.

6. Fortunately for me, “home” means pretty much anywhere I want it to be.

7. I really don’t like porn nearly as much as you may think.

8. But I do like LOL Cats. “I Can Has Cheezburger?” will never not be funny.

9. Honestly, you’ve got to get your copyright legal shit figured out, soon, because all the good videos are being pulled off YouTube faster that I can say Al Gore. Soon, the only thing left on that site will be videos of people’s stupid kids saying lame things (if you’re dumb enough to stick your finger in his mouth, of course Charlie bit it) and basement-dwelling AV-nerds with the video blogs about the inherently fascist nature of gym class.

10. It sounds good in here, a lot of the time. We’ve got all the hip bands, and now that the Beatles are finally on board, our sound system is complete. But those automatic soundtracks have got to go. I don’t know who told restaurants that everyone who visits their site wants to be assaulted with cheap-ass imitations of 17th century arrangements. Here’s some advice to everyone everywhere: save the tunes for MySpace.

11. I keep hearing about financial crises, but there are still like, five thousand Nigerian princes dying every day, and lawyers just begging to deposit millions of dollars into your bank account.

12. The fug girls are really, really cute, what with their clean lines and their neat fonts and their straightforward jumps. But Perez Hilton? Salacious gossip doesn’t need so much pink. Gah – I cringe every time I look at him. There’s a reason that man became famous on me.

13. You really don’t want to know what happens on “Lost” next week, or next month, or next year. Trust me.

14. I’m running out of things to say already, but I feel that I’ve just barely scratched the screen.

15. I’m really, really, sorry for crashing when you need me the most. I know. It’s a bad habit of mine. But I’m enrolling in a 12-step program.

16. The term “Web 2.0” makes me giggle.

17. I’ve never met my mom. I know! It’s kind of sad, and a little bit tragic, and there’s been rumors about her identity all over me for the past decade or so, but I can’t buy into any of those. You’ve just got to feel the love, and let it go, and realize it is what it is, and make your own happiness, and spend Tuesdays with Morrie, and Thursdays with Marley, or whatever.

18. On Facebook, I’m friends with Brad Pitt, Salman Rushdie, Stone Gossard, Patrick Dempsey, J.K. Rowling, Etta James, Aretha Franklin’s hat, Bill Clinton, Mary Lou Retton, Mary McDonnell, Edward Cullen, Fred Zagami, Fred Lynn, Red Wine, Brett Favre, Orlando Bloom, Ms. South Carolina 2007, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, Ann Rice, Billy Corrigan, and some guy claiming to be Bono, but I’m a little bit suspicious because his pictures look photoshopped.

19. I can’t think of anything else besides me that’s ever been used so much as both a force of good and a force of evil. Well, except religion. And money. And the Dallas Cowboys (come on – America’s Team? Who are they kidding?)

20. There are 23 footnotes on my Wikipedia page, and I’ve been edited over 500 times since last January.

21. OK, 404 of those times were by a joker by the name of BongWarrior from the Computer Science building at Hampshire College, but still.

22. I love “One Tree Hill.” I know! But there’s something about deranged nannies and tragic accidents and love triangles and Dawson himself directing a movie about the lives of these kids we’ve been following for six years (or is it eleven? That time jump really confused me) that really brings me back to my childhood, when I couldn’t get enough of “Days of Our Lives.”

23. I use Google. A lot.

24. You know, you may think I'm all about the ‘bots and the spam and the memes and the tags and the pop-ups and the forwards and the malicious viruses and the broken links, not to mention the exorbitant TicketMaster fees, but really, I'm a people person at heart. It's you that keeps me going. It’s my friends, my family, the people who think they’re my friends and family that I haven’t gotten around to meeting yet, you are the heart of what it means to be me. You, slaving away there at your grammar warriors blog. You, keeping us informed about exactly what Britney Spears is up to at this very moment. Even you, posting the videos of your dog on YouTube, I wouldn’t be here without you. Really.

25. I invented Joe Procopio.


Originally from Boston, Michelle is a writer, editor, instructor, obsessive sports fan, loud talker, quick laugher, new mom, and chances are, she watches more television than you do. Follow her on Twitter at michellevoneuw

more about michelle von euw


tracey kelley
2.9.09 @ 7:08a

HA HA! So much fun!

erik myers
2.9.09 @ 7:56a

I was SO going to do this. Awesome.

sandra thompson
2.9.09 @ 8:46a

I'm going to copy/paste your list so you can just sue me.

margot lester
2.9.09 @ 9:24a

GOLD! I love this, and have posted dutifully on my FB page. Fantastic job, 'Chelle.

lucy lediaev
2.9.09 @ 12:26p

I enjoyed a much-needed laugh while reading this piece. Thank you!

alex b
2.9.09 @ 4:01p

This was GREAT!

true sue
10.13.09 @ 3:13p

fug girls? what are fug girls?

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