Drop the bacon! Don't you know that's salty, meaty death?! Swine flu is here to stay and it'll kill us all by next week!
A fast check of CNN.com, where hour by hour, the number of cases in the U.S. is just SKYROCKETING, people! As of 1 p.m. CDT this past Tuesday, a terrifying 64 PEOPLE have been confirmed to be carriers of the disease! ZOMG! That's... one in 4,786,097! At the rate it's spreading, it's probably already infected YOU. For the sake of the planet, please use your waning strength to dig your own grave. Better still, just set your house on fire, ideally with you in it; fire is the only REAL CURE.
This is God's Righteous Judgment, don't you know? Who's gonna be left when it all goes down? Muslims and Orthodox Jews, that's who. For MILLENIA they've tried to warn us about the price for keeping these UNCLEAN ANIMALS, fighting against the likes of porcine apologists like E.B. White and whatever rapscallion made those "Babe" movies. Our English Lit teachers TOLD US that Animal Farm was a cautionary tale, didn't they?! "Two legs bad, four legs good" -- and now we're reaping the whirlwind, brother!
I look back and I see how we were softened up for this. All those salmonella scares to get us to fear spinach and pistachios and tomatoes. But there's never anything bad about SPAM, is there? Nooooo! Spam is your friend! In cheerful blue and yellow cans! Never mind the ground pig anuses and Hormel only knows what else lurks in there, fermenting its gelatinous pink poison. You know who eats the most Spam in the United States? Hawaiians. On their isolated little islands, where they also had LEPER COLONIES and where WILD BOARS still run unchecked through the streets of Honolulu.
And what else comes from Hawaii? BARACK OBAMA, that's what. Nothing like solving the economic crisis by unleashing a pandemic! We're on to you, and your little dog, too!
The wizened journalists of the Associated Press know the score: "We're not close to a global flu pandemic, but planners paint a grim picture of WHAT COULD HAPPEN." Are you ready to face the hard truths? The worst case scenario, according to U.S. government planners: Two million dead. Hospitals overwhelmed. Schools closed. Swaths of empty seats at baseball stadiums and houses of worship. An economic recovery snuffed out.
And you KNOW how the government underestimates things. Like the national debt. Al Qaeda. The switch to digital broadcasting. Even now, Joe Biden is probably hunkered in the bunker under the Greenbrier, handpicking his human brood mares from "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs to ensure the continuation of the species. Why else do you think the government's flinging "bailout" money like a sailor in Bangkok? It's 'cause no one's gonna care in the post-porcine-apocalypse's new economy of sex and cigarettes!
* * *
Honestly, people. We're not gonna die from swine flu; the media's gonna give us all aneurysms, instead. As if it weren't bad enough that we're getting whiplash from "The Economy is RECOVERING"/"The Economy is in a DEATH SPIRAL" stories. The nation needs a heavy dose of Prozac just to deal with those mood swings, but instead the popular press is having a field day plastering "Got Pandemic?" stickers on the national psyche.
So before you break into the nearest Walgreens and boost their entire stock of Tamiflu, just take a minute to regain some perspective. Kiss someone, and reassure yourself that human contact is NOT lethal. Make yourself a BLT and reaffirm your trust in bacon, which will never, ever hurt you, because bacon LOVES YOU TOO.
Just...go wash your hands, first, okay? You can't be too careful.
If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.
ABOUT RUSS CARR
more about russ carr
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
4.29.09 @ 12:02a
Jon Stewart had a funny bit about this, including Jason Jones trying to convince people that John Oliver was a British Swine Flu Zombie.
4.29.09 @ 7:58a
Dear Russ, Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do. Yanno, a bunch of y'all oughta be writing for comedy shows. You're my latest discovery.
4.29.09 @ 10:30a
From the "Kill 'em all, and let God sort it out" file: Egypt orders slaughter of all pigs over swine flu "as a precautionary measure against the spread of swine flu, even though no cases have been reported [there] yet."
So...just in case a person infected with "swine" flu should happen to come to Egypt (possible) and visit a pig farm (improbable) and sneeze on one of the pigs (unlikely) which would in turn infect every other pig in the nation (inconceivable!) they're gonna kill all 300,000 pigs instead. Y'know, just as a precaution. Sounds like a flimsy pretext for the non-pork eating majority to round up all the pigs into extermination camps. Pig holocaust!
4.29.09 @ 12:53p
This is funny stuff, but in all seriousness; the economy may be slightly recovering, yet that is like putting a band-aid on a cancer patient. What I mean by that is, the monetary system run by the Federal Reserve is the cancer affecting our economy. All of this is panic inducing nonsense; I agree. But why would the media want to induce panic? Why would the presidents plane do that ridiculous fly-by over downtown Manhattan? I live here in NYC, at that was terrifying.
Lastly, what are the odds of a global outbreak of the same mutated strain of influenza? Even though the number of cases are low at this point. Not very likely, unless it was manipulated.
OK, lastly, lastly; look up in the sky next time you see a plane fly over head and you see trails being exhausted from the plane. World wide this phenomenon is being recorded. The science behind contrails are that atmospheric moisture, or in cases of the upper atmosphere, ice crystals, heated by passing through the jet engines and vaporize into the atmosphere as a temporary cloud. These clouds then dissipate after 30 seconds, no longer than one minute.
People all around the world are seeing dense trails being formed by planes flying strange flight patterns that are well below 30, 000 feet, where temperature, relative humidity, and atmospheric pressure are a non factor; they would not produce trails at these altitudes. The upper atmosphere is above 50,000 feet, well above; where temperatures would be sufficient to cause the cooling necessary to form lasting contrail clouds.
Recently all over the country and the globe people have reported a vast increase in these trails. They would not be occurring according the laws of physics in the airspace below 30,000 feet, period. Afterwards the skies over NYC have been filled with smog for days, the air quality is very poor, as well as there being discoloration in these trail clouds; discoloration indicates chemical compounds. Just like in science class, when you learned that the sunset gives off vibrant colors due to the pollution and chemical particles trapped in the atmosphere. These clouds do the same.
There are many dis-information specialists out there that claim bogus science to explain these trails, I have been attacked and ridiculed on my youtube site for merely asking questions about this topic. My main response to them is: I live near La Guardia airport and see planes fly over head all the time, everyday in fact. The commercial airliners do NOT ever produce the trails that these unknown planes are producing in the exact same airspace. To me that is a big piece of physical evidence.
OK, finally; the residue left behind on cars, trees and many other surfaces contains dust, that looks like dirt at first glance, yet when reflected in the light one can see silver metallic particles throughout the dust. This happens immediately following a spraying.
4.29.09 @ 12:58p
...Continued: These are happening daily around the globe; NYC in under assault everyday, all day. For video evidence and information, look me up on youtube. My handle is scootbagoot; just search for my channel.
4.29.09 @ 1:06p
I've heard that symptoms of swine flu include respiratory difficulty, which leads to cerebral oxygen deprivation and swelling of the brain. Might wanna get that checked out.
4.29.09 @ 2:09p
Scott, I supported you on a recent post, but I think you may have gone over the edge on this one. Please read Russ' suggestion carefully.
4.29.09 @ 5:06p
My friend just got back today from her anniversary trip to Mexico, only to discover she's been banned from work. She can't go back until Monday for fear of the swine flu, so extra vacation!
4.29.09 @ 5:20p
I realize it sounds like a bit much; but until you do some research there is no way to have objectivity. I do always appreciate petulant insults when responding to clearly stated scientific opinions though, I believe that was my first lesson in learning to debate. Sorry if I intruded on your space.
4.29.09 @ 5:28p
4.30.09 @ 3:40p
I had a pork burrito for lunch today. It's like a vaccination for swine flu.
5.1.09 @ 9:25a
It's been said before: a crisis is a terrible thing to waste. Therefore it should be reasoned that a manufactured crisis is a particularly terrible thing to waste.
I don't know if con trails are out to get us or not. But something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
I've just deleted a lot of words. I think I'll leave it there.
5.2.09 @ 12:21p
Pork rinds with garlic and vinegar is a known cure-all for anything.
5.3.09 @ 8:30a
In case you were unaware, we're now living in the "Swine Flu Era". I'm sure archeologists have already accepted it: Paleozoic, Mesozoic...Swine Flu...
5.3.09 @ 1:07p
In the Canadian province of Alberta, health and agriculture officials said about 220 pigs on a farm were quarantined after being infected by a worker who had recently returned from Mexico. They stressed that swine viruses are common in pigs, and there was no need for consumers to stop eating pork as long as it's handled properly and cooked thoroughly.
The pigs are all recovering in the first documented case of the H1N1 human flu being passed to another species....
In Baghdad, Iraqi officials killed three wild boars at Baghdad's zoo because of swine flu fears, even though health experts say the virus is not transmitted by pigs. Iraq has no documented cases of swine flu.