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hey you, go home!
how to avoid messing up a one night stand.
by maigen thomas (@Maigen)

We've all been there. A night out, you've been drinking, you're horny and the person you've been flirting with seems really receptive...so you take them home. Or you go to their place. It's all giggles and kissing in the cab, groping in the stairwell, fumbling for the keys. Finally you're inside and clothes start flying off, chairs are bumped into, maybe a roommate is woken up. Things get hot and sweaty and...

And it can all go horribly wrong at any time. I want to help you, though, so here are some pointers to follow for a successful one night stand.



You may not know you're going to get laid at the start of the night (unless you're a woman, in which case you DO know whether or not you're going to get some, and that answer may change as the night progresses), but you've usually got some inkling of whether or not you want to. And if you want to, please plan accordingly. Namely, and this goes for both men and women, take care of your - ahem - 'business'. Make sure the junk is clean. Also, please trim. Attractive man-scaping makes a girl that much more excited to get in there. And ladies - we all know we have more fun when we don't have a mid-getting-naked panic attack 'oh god, when's the last time I shaved?!'

Physical Incompatibility

There's almost nothing worse than false advertising. I think guys get fooled by Wonderbras and slimming undergarments and high heels and 'lifting' jeans, but what do girls get? Baggy jeans hiding a small package. Baseball caps covering a receding hairline. A missing wedding band that didn't leave a tan line. A girlfriend of mine once had a traumatic experience taking some hot young guy home after a night of hot and heavy flirting. He'd been playing macho, dropping hints about how younger guys have more stamina and the like. She got to his place worked up for a good night. What'd she get? A major disappointment when his pants came off. Too short, too thin = too much trouble to go through with it. She bailed.

Lesson learned? IPC, ladies. Initial Package Check. It doesn't matter HOW you do it, just THAT you do it. If you know you might go home with him, you need to check the goods before you go. Jetting after he has his pants off is damaging to his ego, at best. Laughing and tossing him a bottle of lotion as you pull your clothes on is worse.

Drunk. In. Public.

A fairly good rule of thumb a person on the prowl for a one night stand should know is: don't be too drunk. It complicates things unnecessarily. Think about this: If you're too drunk, you might pick up a beer-goggles date. No one wants to play Coyote Ugly in the morning. Also, if you're too drunk, you might be unable to perform. Enough said. If you're too drunk, you might fall asleep on someone. At first, your conquest for the night might think you're trying out tantric sex techniques. After a while, though, the snores will give you away and then there's hell to pay. And heaven help you if you fall asleep during oral sex. Remember, hell hath no fury...



If for some reason you had no plans to get laid and find yourself at the proverbial ring without your boxing gloves on, ensure you take a playful pre-sex shower together. Shaving is difficult to accomplish with a partner in the shower, so I wouldn't suggest trying, you'll just have to deal with it. I'm positive at that point they wouldn't notice anyway. The shower is good though, to wash the stink of drinking in smoky, sweaty bars off the person about to sweat up your sheets.

Dirty Mad Libs

I can't stress this one enough: Unless you're 100% sure, avoid using names. You don't want to be caught up in the moment and scream out someone else's name. Or worse, your own.


"When I'm telling you what I like, don't assume you know better and ignore my advice." I have, unfortunately, had first hand experience with guys who 'know what they're doing'. Please, please, don't be that guy. I will help you out, buddy, just follow my lead and we'll both cross the finish line. Guys, don't push a girls' head 'down there'. If we're already committed to the act, it's usually safe. Don't just assume and start a shoving match, it will only ensure you don't get head at all that night. Trust me.


Sleeping Over or Leaving

Don't drool in my hair. Keep on your side of the bed unless the resident initiates snuggling. Leave before it gets awkward. Preferably before they start to get ready for work. Definitely before they have to leave for work. If it's a weekend, and if you're interested, suggest meeting up the NEXT day for brunch, not the same day. The recipient of your attentions may feel too weird about having slept with you already to say no to lunch and they may not actually want to.

Other Notes or Dishonorable Mentions:

No Virgins Allowed. Don't be playing with the big kids when you don't know what you're doing. Also, on the same note, your first time should be far more magical than some drunken hookup you'll (hopefully) never remember.

Avoid movie quotes unless it's a movie you both just saw - or you have an insane amount of charm.

Try to avoid wearing something you'd be ashamed to walk home in.

If you're ONLY looking for a one night stand, avoid LAST names. You know what Facebook has done to people these days - remember, you CAN be found.

Last but far from least: It's a one night stand. Let go of your hangups and your insecurities for just one night and have a good time. The odds of seeing this person again are statistically low. However, odds are very good that you're both too drunk to notice anything other than it was fun. Why worry about the small stuff? Unless, of course, you forgot to do the IPC. In which case, definitely worry about the small stuff and don't say I didn't warn you.


Maigen is simple. is smart. is wholesome. is skeevy. is spicy. is delicate. is better. is purer. is 100% more awesome than yesterday. She';s traveling the world and writing about her experiences with life, love, yoga, food, travel and people. Mostly people. Because they';re funny. hear more of her random thoughts @maigen on twitter.

more about maigen thomas


find a couch on craigslist, not a boyfriend
a horror story about internet dating
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topic: humor
published: 11.23.09

real world comedy
people watching for sport and entertainment
by maigen thomas
topic: humor
published: 12.17.08


sandra thompson
5.28.09 @ 6:51a

Read. Study. Learn.

maigen thomas
5.28.09 @ 12:00p

HA! Thank you, Sandra. It brings me back to my other column:

"There's only two things they need to be teaching these young men before unleashing them on the world: 'Don't spend more than you make', and 'Here's the clitoris'."


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