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if age is just a number...
what's the point of counting?
by katherine l (aka clevertitania) (@CleverTitania)

The old standard, that it was impolite to ask a woman her age, is not quite as prevalent it once was. In fact, if certain television ads are to be believed, some women love revealing their age, provided their beauty regiment projects a much smaller number than the reality. Personally, I've never really concerned myself overly with the number associated with my years on this earth. However, lately the sharing of that number has been followed by, "Man I feel old." But the truth is, I don't, and that is exactly the issue. What I should say is, "Why am I this old?"

Today, I turned 34. I realize that many of you are rolling your eyes right now, imagining me as quite the melodramatic bird. But the reason I react the way I do, is not about vanity, but incredulity. I can't possibly be so close to 40. It's just inconceivable. In my mind, I still haven't passed 24. I don't feel like a grown up, and I damn sure don't feel like I'm coming up on middle age. But, like all things in my life, I'm of multiple minds.

After all, I am now the target demographic for three separate decades of VH1's "I Love The..." TV shows. The other day I watched the season premiere of Royal Pains, and found myself wondering; did they had to explain who MacGyver was, to the 16 year old actress making the joke about him? There is a whole generation of kids right now, who don't remember the Smurfs, Rainbow Bright, Kidd Video or Guys Next Door (ok maybe there are people in my gen who don't remember the last two). And the other day, my 13 year old son found out that his half-sister is pregnant. Which means; his father, is going to be a grandfather. Ok, so he's 41 now, but still!

So if I am this old, why don't I feel like I am? Why do I still blast my music in the car, and sing at the top of my lungs regardless of the two guys staring at me from a truck on the freeway? Hmm, might be a bad example. My mom does tell me I was singing before I could talk. But why did I recently buy bright purple hair extensions? Why did I spend a few years trying to talk my son into growing his hair long, before the director of the little independent movie he's working on, got him to do it? Why do I still say "Dude?" when my sister says something crazy, and roll my eyes when my mother grumbles at me that I forgot to do something? Why do I still feel like a young adult, with the whole world ahead of me, when many parts of it have passed me by?

Maybe it's because, there are things I have yet to do in my life, that I refuse to believe are lost to me. I believe I will still find the love of my life. I believe I will somehow reach my dreams of writing the screenplay that steals the hearts of a generation (even if it's not my generation). I believe that I will still see the world, one day own a '67 Ford Mustang convertible, get hired as a writer for a Mutant Enemy show, and maybe even make my son a big brother eventually. As time passes, these things seem less likely to come true, but I can't let them go.

And even when the big 4-0 finally does hit me, I don't think any of this will change (although I can hope I'll have hit one or two of those dreams before then). I don't want to turn into a person who acts her age. I'd prefer to stay 24 in my head, and have 'grown-ups' roll their eyes at me. Frankly, it's a lot better than letting some arbitrary number determine my behavior. I'll play the adult games if I must. I'll be responsible and take care of my family and pay my mortgage. But just because I do the grown-up things, doesn't mean I have to become one.

If I could have any birthday wish in the world (besides going go-cart racing with Zachary Levi as I texted my sis this morning); it would be to never feel like this silly number. So today, I am 34 years old. But it doesn't define me, or affect me. I'll keep being the me I want to be, and to hell with the calendar.


When I grow up, I want to be; whoever Joss Whedon wants to be, when he grows up. I am a writer because it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning; aside from eating and using the lavatory of course. My work includes screenplays, short stories, film/TV/music reviews and socio-political commentary. The last one is a fancy way of saying I like to shoot my mouth off on many topics. I excel at using $1.50 words. They gone up, thanks to inflation. Isn't our economy awesome?

more about katherine l (aka clevertitania)


if it's only skin deep
why should i want to be beautiful?
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: general
published: 6.27.11

talking to myself
a fictitious conversation with my fictitious future boyfriend
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: general
published: 6.19.11


lucy lediaev
6.17.09 @ 12:30p

Wait until you are 65, have children, grandchildren, and maybe even great grandchildren (I could have them, but don't). You'll still feel like you couldn't possibly be this old.

I'm looking forward to retirement from my position as a writer the business world next year to do some of the things I've always wanted to do--write what I want to write, spend time with my granddaughter, become a writing tutor, paint and draw, and continue with some of the many handicrafts. And, I don't feel old in my head. When I look in the mirror or want to move as quickly as I once did, I'm reminded that I am getting old, but my thoughts and goals are still young!

As I talk to others my age and older (I regularly spend time with a woman of 90), they have the same feeling. Their bodies have aged, but in most cases, their minds are still lively and youthful.

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