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what are they looking for
by katherine l (aka clevertitania) (@CleverTitania)

What are my characters looking for in life?

This question suddenly occurred to me while I was reading the blog of a person whose mental journey mimics my own. I recommend checking out Double Life Weblog , if you enjoy my rants and ramblings. You might want to save that for later though, to cleanse the pallet. Things are going to get a little stormy tonight.

If you look back over my work, a great deal of it can tell you something powerfully true about me. It's something I'm not entirely comfortable acknowledging, but based on my own rules; I have no choice to but to share.

In my life, I have had family, friends, loves and lovers , though there haven't been a lot of any category. Despite the fact that my life has been fairly solitary for many years, there have been people in my life who have impacted me. No one can escape that. But for all those people, one thing has always been missing. One thing has always eluded me, and its absence has had the greatest impact on my life. It has shaped me in a way that nothing else ever could. It is the most defining truth about my existence.

In my life, there has never been a person who has both gotten me and supported me.

Despite their support; my family has never gotten me. Even my sister, who comes pretty close, doesn't entirely get me. Something she has admitted herself. There's been no best friend, even one I've drifted from, who covered both bases. Some have been supportive, and a few who almost gotten me, but never were the elements combined. I don't think there's ever been a love or lover who's gotten me, though a few were supportive, and one was sycophantic.

And another unfortunate truth is revealed. I am a person who desperately needs both of those things. Some can survive quite well without either, much less both. Some even thrive without encouragement and understanding. I am not one of those people. I almost wish I were, but at the same time, I don't think Id be any happier that way.

So the result is a person who writes stories, where one thing is the most common driving force of the principal character; the need for a person who understands and encourages them. Oddly, many of these characters appear to have wonderful support structures, but there's always something missing. Even between Alex and Jenna, in Rent To Own, there's something missing. And that may be one of the deepest friendships Ive ever created. But while Jenna knows so much of Alex's history, and understands so much of her inner mind, she still cannot do what John can. John can hold Alex's gaze inward, and force her to see her own beauty. That is why he completes her life, not just by virtue of his gender.

I know now, that this fact about me strengthens the things I write, but it has its curse beyond the obvious. Without having a person in my life that has ever fulfilled those needs, it has taken me many more years than it should, to come to the current place I am in life. And where I am now is nowhere near where I want to end up. I shudder to think of how long it will take to reach that place or how I will accomplish it on my own. But until the missing elements come along, I guess Ill just have to do the best I can.

Or I suppose I could put an ad on Craigslist. ;)


When I grow up, I want to be; whoever Joss Whedon wants to be, when he grows up. I am a writer because it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning; aside from eating and using the lavatory of course. My work includes screenplays, short stories, film/TV/music reviews and socio-political commentary. The last one is a fancy way of saying I like to shoot my mouth off on many topics. I excel at using $1.50 words. They gone up, thanks to inflation. Isn't our economy awesome?

more about katherine l (aka clevertitania)


when family is gone...
how do we remember
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: writing
published: 3.11.10

amygdala mania
why walking away is saner.
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: writing
published: 2.29.12


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