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pandora's box
blue-icidal tendencies
by mike julianelle

This past Wednesday I did something unprecedented. For the first time in my life, I got up and went for a run before work. Running through the park early in the morning on a beautiful spring day, I saw a side of it I’d never before witnessed; a quiet, peaceful side, unblemished by packs of howling children, swarms of yelping dogs and that one random guy who practices break-dancing on a piece of cardboard.

Not sure the early morning, pre-work run is going to become a habit, but I think I kind of enjoyed it. The best part was when I got to work that day and I didn’t want to kill myself just because I was no longer experiencing the natural beauty of Prospect Park on a warm spring morning! That was a relief.

Some people aren’t quite so stable.

Have you heard about the “Avatar Blues”? When I first did, back in January or whenever, I thought I'd actually experienced them; I had gotten pretty depressed after having spent $20 to see the movie. Then I learned that the “Avatar Blues” are not the result of buyer’s remorse but are instead a very serious condition wherein, after seeing the film, people returned to their lives and suddenly wanted to kill themselves. All because they were no longer experiencing the non-existent splendor of James Cameron’s cartoon planet.

And you thought I was an asshole.

According to an article on CNN.com, the fan forum site "Avatar Forums" contains a discussion "entitled 'Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible"' and has received more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression...”

Funny, the same thing happened to me after watching Back to the Future 2 and my parents wouldn't buy me a hoverboard.

Look, I saw Avatar in IMAX 3-D and I'm glad I did, but I'll probably never watch it again.

Without the 3-D, it's generic and mediocre, at best, and none of the action scenes bring anything new to the table. Were I to come across it on some lazy Saturday afternoon, there isn't a single scene that would compel me to stop flipping by. I did enjoy the hissing, though. The sexy, sexy hissing. But that's me; I’m a cat person.

There was a time in my life when upon hearing someone express something so incredibly pathetic as the "Avatar Blues", I would respond with a disdainful “Kill yourself!” Aside from being charming, mature and quite the mating call, that put-down was a pithy, effective way of letting someone know that they were so worthless they should -- wait for it! -- kill themselves. In the case of the "Avatar Blues," however, such an insult would be, at the very least, redundant, and at the very most, tantamount to making myself an accessory.

I wonder if it was the 3-D nature of the movie that made it seem so real to the more than 1,000 simpletons who hate their lives so much they’d prefer to live on a forest planet with a bloated and monstrous Sigourney Weaver. If so, with the flood of 3-D movies headed are way, we can expect a lot more suicidal moviegoers over the next few years, and not just during any forthcoming Sex and the City sequels. During the Twilight movies too!

Come on, losers. There are tons of good reasons to consider killing yourself: publicity (see Owen Wilson); career advancement (see Jesus -- technically not a suicide but come on); martyrdom (Jesus again); to escape from a vicious harpy (Kurt Cobain); to escape from a vicious harpy (Artie Lange); because someone loud tells you to (Jonestown); etc.

Sorry, but hating the fact that your life isn't a movie is not one of the good reasons. Besides, do you really want to go out because of a movie featuring giant Smurfs? At least wait until a fake reality that's worth missing is featured in on screen.

Hey, Lindsay Lohan just signed on to the Linda Lovelace/Deep Throat flick! That one's just begging for a body count.


Let's get real here. You don't want to know about me. You want to know about "me".

more about mike julianelle


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rob julianelle
5.7.10 @ 10:23a

Watched it last night, non-3d, but I still can't figure out how it's made the most money of all time. Too long and the story wasn't great. But whatevs..
I'm not depressed yet either....

adam kraemer
5.7.10 @ 10:32a

Yeah. I remember getting despondent after I watched "Porky's" and then learned there was no such place as Florida.

Though seriously, this could just be Darwinism at work.

However, if these people really yearn for an untamed wilderness teeming with monsters that can kill you in seconds, there are plenty of places in the Amazon where we can ship them. Who'd miss 1,000 whiny people anyway?

And I'm a liberal.

mike julianelle
5.7.10 @ 10:47a

Darwinism! Love it!

And Rob, when tickets cost $18 a pop - at least at a NYC IMAX - the money adds up pretty quickly.

adam kraemer
5.7.10 @ 12:31p

Wait - howling children move through Prospect Park in packs?

That's creepy.


mike julianelle
5.7.10 @ 5:10p

Yup. With glowing eyes.

Brooklyn for life!

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