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beastie girls
sabotaging their sex appeal
by mike julianelle
6.11.10
humor

For women, it's often back hair.

It doesn’t matter how good looking a guy is, if she catches a glimpse of back hair - a tuft on the shoulders, a thin sheen along the spine, a dusting over the back-fat – it’s over. Back hair is more than a turn-off, it’s a deal-breaker. A gag-maker. It’s like one of those electronic collars you put on a dog; the sensation is so painful, she’s sure to never approach the area again. And by “the area” I mean “your balls.”

It’s not exactly fair either. Having back hair isn’t a choice. Sure, it can be remedied – removed via shave or wax or lasers – but that’s something only metrosexuals and my old college roommate feel comfortable doing. In fact, for regular guys it can almost be a point of pride to resist eliminating it: take me as I am, wench! Now go shave your legs and your armpits and get a bikini wax and please, finally, drop about 15 pounds! Jesus, you’re gross.

You know what is a choice? Wearing a piercing on that crease above the lips. Don't do it! I have no problem with piercings in general, but a piercing on the smile crease does nothing for anyone. It’s distracting and it subtracts from any potential attractiveness. You know what else is a choice? Wearing a blue wig for no reason. I’m looking at you, Katy Perry. Also choices: reading Twilight, carrying Hello Kitty accessories, doing meth/crack/heroin, wearing too much make-up (imagine how hot Tammy Faye-Bakker would be, all wiped clean), living in New Jersey.

We get it. We know why you pierce yourself in weird places, why you have a backpack embroidered with a Japanese fad, why you squeal when Edward is on screen. You’re an individual. You think fluorescent kittens are cute. You have the mind of an 8th grader.

And you're turning us off. By making such choices, ladies, all you’re doing is sabotaging your own hotness. And with it your ability to land a mate.

This isn’t a sexist thing (well, maybe it’s a little sexist). Guys sabotage their innate sexiness too, for example, with those huge black circle earrings that make earlobes expand. It’s a great look, especially when you take the circle out and your lobe droops to the floor. (Solid call for the future. P.S. don't bother learning what a 401k is. You won't need it.) But since I don’t find guys attractive (at least not until they start implanting collagen into their lips!), I am not one to consider what they’re doing to sabotage any such attractivess. Thus, I’m concentrating on women.

Katy Perry was ranked #1 in Maxim Magazine’s list of sexiest body holes or whatever they call it. Ignoring the fact that ranking Perry #1 is totally absurd (don't make me bring up Victoria's Secret), and the fact that most of the pictures in that magazine are so airbrushed they might as well be of Jessica Rabbit, she is a great example of a cute girl doing stupid shit and thus repelling potential mates. Blue hair, food-shaped clothes, Russell Brand; all of these things make her seem less attractive than she is. Hey, it’s her body, it’s her life, she can do what she wants with both. But if she wants guys like me to stare at her uncomfortably whenever she’s out in public, well, she’d better shape up.

Here’s a tip: You’re not gonna get my seed if I see you on the subway reading Eclipse and showing a muffin top. Hit the gym, get some decent taste, and maybe we can talk.

And it probably wouldn't hurt to overcompensate a bit. Wear bunny ears once in a while. Drape yourself in latex. Kiss your fellow sorority girls, drop a bucket of water on yourself the next time you happen to be on stage. Get really really drunk. Lip-synch. (I think that last one's just me.) Just copy the role models on E!'s "Pretty Wild" show. Not only will you increase your odds of landing a man, you might even get famous in the meantime!

Thank God I’m not having a daughter. She’d never be off the treadmill.


ABOUT MIKE JULIANELLE

Let's get real here. You don't want to know about me. You want to know about "me".

more about mike julianelle

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COMMENTS

adam kraemer
6.11.10 @ 9:49a

My brother commented years ago that if he ever had daughters, he would raise them like veal.

Now he's got one with another on the way.

I think column means you're buying a treadmill for your second kid.

mike julianelle
6.11.10 @ 11:12a

If tempting the gods is what it takes to get my wife a daughter, than expect more columns like this in the future!

jeffrey walker
6.11.10 @ 11:45a

Why not just call this column "what Mike wants to F*ck." Speak for yourself; piercings & dyed-hair generally works for me and a host of others (example: Jesse James). K. Perry is too tame for my interest - try the ladies on suicide girls. Yes, and yes!

mike julianelle
6.11.10 @ 12:20p

FYI, this column is one huge joke.

Guess what? I don't really believe that women only exist to procreate!

Far be it from me to speak for everyone in stating that blue hair is a turn-off.

Aside from the lip-synching, none of the things in the penultimate paragraph truly reflect my true turn-ons. Well, maybe also the two girls kissing part.

And I don't mind piercings in general, I just think that the one particular type that I mention is a terrible example of one.

jeffrey walker
6.11.10 @ 12:23p

fair. In truth, the lip piercing is fairly low on my list, the absolute lowest being the bridge piercing.

mike julianelle
6.11.10 @ 12:43p

You mean, like a bull? That is the worst.

jeffrey walker
6.11.10 @ 1:51p

Nope - the bull one is a septum piercing. The Bridge is more or less a straight bar through your noise approximately between the eyes. It just looks painful.

jane dode
6.17.10 @ 10:24a

My girlfriend loves my back hair and pets me every night.



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