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god gabs with morning radio hosts
the big man rules the airwaves
by katherine l (aka clevertitania) (@CleverTitania)
9.10.10
humor

Apparently retirement has given God more time to talk to his people. More than a year after his enlightening interview with Regina Phalange last summer, God popped by the local Dan and Dylan radio show to give us some more insight into "His Book" and his feelings about the current state of the world.

(transcript begins)

Dylan: Welcome back to Dan and Dylan Do Dawn, on KWTF 100.1. This segment we have an amazing guest on with us. The almighty creator himself. I'm not kidding folks. It's his first interview since he announced his retirement, and he's here with us. And we thank Him for it.

God: You're welcome.

Dylan: So, sir, tell us how retirement has been treating you.

God: Fantastic.

Dan: Playing a lot of golf I imagine.

God: Nah, never been a fan of hitting balls with sticks. Yeah, it's cool for some people, but really not my thing. I don't even like watching sports on TV that much. I've been doing some LAN parties though, which has been a blast.

Dan: Wow, makes you think it was age of the geek, not the Age of Aquarius.

[wah wah sound effect]

Dylan: That was terrible.

Dan: Yeah, I'm bad. But you forgive me right?

God: [laughs] You betcha.

Dylan: So have you been keeping up with the world at all?

God: Well, I try to watch some news every day, though some days all I can take are Stewart, Colbert or Maher. Their humor makes the insanity easier to bear. I mostly look online when I want to know what's up. People think the internet is so littered you can't find legitimate sources, but all it takes is a little common sense really. Check the source links all the way back a few times, even if you have to read an entire medical report or legal decision, and you've got a good eye to who's giving you unbiased data.

Dan: So do you do Farmville?

God: Now that one I might not forgive you for.

Dylan: [laughs] Before anyone worries Dan's about to get smote, the big guy is totally grinning right now.

God: Yeah, because if I'm going to start smiting people, I'm going to start with this smartass. In point of fact, if I were both willing and able to smite people that piss me off, half of Congress would be bursting into flames.

Dylan: Only half?

God: Most of them are well intentioned, just weak-willed and/or ignorant. And no matter how you feel during rush hour traffic, being stupid shouldn't be a capital offense.

Dan: So God, since we have you here, and it's such a big topic right now, I gotta ask; Prop 8...

God: You don't even gotta ask. And can I just say, I'm more than a little irritated that I need to explain this. In point of fact, I've been holding this one under my hat a long time, just because I was starting to get pissed no one had figured it out yet. And homosexuality should've been the biggest giveaway.

Dylan: Wow, I'm really curious to know what you're talking about, because it sure sounds bigger than just the gay marriage question.

God: Oh yeah, it is. Here's a fun little fact for all the listeners out there. You know that whole, "I am always testing you" thing?

Dan: Oh no, you're not saying...

God: Oh yes Dan, there are tests in the Bible. In point of fact, there are many, and it's really becoming a little ridiculous that no one has caught on to this yet. I mean, seriously, touching a dead pig is unclean? Of course it's unclean, dead pig skin, that's kind of gross. But do you really think the guy who has to bury Babe is tarnishing his soul if he doesn't wear the appropriate gloves? What the hell? That doesn't even make sense.

Dylan: Wait, so I'm confused. Why would you put puzzles or riddles in the Bible? It's supposed to be scripture, so why turn it into a Sudoku book?

God: I love that game. I was so psyched when it was invented.

Dan: Wouldn't you have known about it before it was invented?

God: Ok, for the record, Zeus wasn't omnipotent, omnipresent or omniscient. Why am I supposed to be? Seriously, do you really think I'm both capable of intentionally creating and directing a universe and I know everything that has or will happen too? You do realize that's just logistically unrealistic right. Just the amount of universes I'd have to exist in at once... It's about as likely as a virgin giving birth.

Dan: So you mean...

Dylan: We're going off topic. I still want to know more about these tests in the Bible.

God: Right, sorry. Anyway, as I've stated previously, people were kind of messed up when I decided to create some rules. They needed some discipline. But they weren't really good at taking direction abstractly. Just saying "don't kill each other" was too vague for them. They needed something to explain to them why it wasn't OK. I know, pretty stupid, but in fairness, public education didn't really exist so much back then.

So I had to create all these stories which would give them examples of ways to treat each other, and ways not to; kind of like Heaven's Gate and Hell's Fire without the traumatizing special effects. I really hate that play. The plot is stupid and the writing is absurd. Plus, do you know they make kids watch that crap? What is going on in this country?

Sorry, off topic again. As I was saying I gave them stories to teach them the basics, but at the same time, I knew that pushing them to follow an arbitrary set of rules was seriously going to stunt their growth. So I gave them things to rebel over, things to question. I put things in that didn't make sense or were contrary to their healthy natural instincts, so they'd have to learn to reason some of this crap out on their own.

Now, some of you really have moved past the obvious red herrings in the book, and I'm quite proud of you. But those who are still thinking I really told a guy to gut his kid just to prove he loved me, I can assure you you're not inheriting so much as a tea service from me, much less the earth. And anyone who really believes that whole Eve and the apple story; what are you smoking and can I have some?

Dan: So you support marijuana use?

God: I gave you wine, to drink as if it were my supposed kid's blood, but I didn't intentionally create a plant that makes the banes of your existence easier to bear and addresses tons of medical conditions? Once again, it only makes sense to people who think I'm a prick.

I honestly think if Anslinger had just become a barber, like his mother wanted, people would've figured the bible out by now. That dude really screwed the pooch big time. You were supposed to have flying cars by now. Do you know that? I mean serious Back to the Future stuff. But that's what prohibition instead of regulation will do to you. Set you back a good 60-70 years. And the Middle East and Asia, those people seriously need to get high. That's just getting ridiculous.

Dylan: Speaking of the Middle East, what are your thoughts on...

God: Look, I'm not going to say anything about any of the ongoing international conflicts, and here's why; they don't care. No matter what I say, they're going to do what they think they should. Some of them are righteous, most of them aren't. Most of the people stuck in that mess just want to live their lives without any of us debating on how that will happen. There's just a handful of idiots around the globe making that impossible.

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I retired. I'm getting pretty sick of all of it. They don't listen even when I do talk to them now, they just hear what they want to hear. The only thing left to do is let them fight until they realize there's nothing to fight over. Even if I put them in seperate rooms for a while, they're just going to start up again once I leave them alone; know what I mean?

Dan: Yes sir, I do. Here's one you probably don't get as much as you used to; do you have a problem with the prevalence of premarital sex in the media?

God: Well, to quote Harriette Hayes, "I don't have a problem having premarital sex. It might be the only sex I ever have." Once again I refer you to the prick paradigm. I made mammals one of the few types of animals to really enjoy sex and I'm supposed to be pissed people are having it and talking about having it? If there's a twisted logic in that, I still haven't found it.

Yeah, I talk about not being promiscuous in the book, but you have to remember this is before anyone invented condoms, or broad-scale antibiotics. The only safe sex back then really was no sex or sex with one person for the rest of your life. But things change. I guess giving you technology to negate some of these saftey concerns wasn't enough, now I need to go back in time and rewrite the book to say, "This becomes null and void when the family unit is no longer necessary for individual survival and medical breakthroughs let you enjoy sex with far less risk"? I'm not going through all that effort to turn the book into a pack of cigarettes.

Darren: Interesting. I have a slightly oddball one for you, if it's not too presumptuous.

God: Hey, I believe in transparency and accountability too.

Darren: Good to know. So the medical field is just brimming with issues that they'd love your opinion on. For instance, how about ADHD. Is it crap or one of your tests?

God: I have to say, I feel kind of bad about some of this stuff. Like I said though, not even I know everything that ever was and will be. I just couldn't anticipate all the changes that would take place to the human body, and especially the human brain, between evolution and environment. Conditions that just show up aren't accidents so much, they're just unexpected adaptations.

ADHD was definitely not one I expected, but then again neither was Dyslexia. I wish I could break down for you why it's happening, but even I'm not absolutely sure. I do have some theories though, and if I'm right, you'll be glad down the road.

Dave: Oh, come on, you can't give us a little more than that?

God: [laughs] Ok, I'll give you one hint. Right before you started walking upright, your brains started doing all kinds of peculiar things.

Darren: Hmm, now that is intriguing.

Dylan: And on that note; time for a quick break to pay the bills, folks. Then to some news, and more conversations with the big guy in the sky.

(transcript ends)

Note: God was supposed to do the second segment of the hour as well, but during the news segment he found out about Glenn Beck's 8/28 event and begged off with a sudden and intense headache.


ABOUT KATHERINE L (AKA CLEVERTITANIA)

When I grow up, I want to be; whoever Joss Whedon wants to be, when he grows up. I am a writer because it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning; aside from eating and using the lavatory of course. My work includes screenplays, short stories, film/TV/music reviews and socio-political commentary. The last one is a fancy way of saying I like to shoot my mouth off on many topics. I excel at using $1.50 words. They gone up, thanks to inflation. Isn't our economy awesome?

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