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eat the rich
politics of the people
by robert a. melos

In a political ad for Christine O’Donnell, running for office in Delaware, the candidate refuted a claim that she is a witch and claimed to be “one of you.” Well, I am a practicing witch for almost 20 years and I am not “one of them” meaning a politician. I doubt O’Donnell is a witch, she’s just misspelling it. However like some, if not all the candidates across the country (I’m giving South Carolina senate candidate Alvin Greene a free pass here), O’Donnell is financially well off.

Having just seen a CNN report that declares the combined spending by candidates across the country for this political season will top $2 billion, and now watching a report showing candidates do not know the minimum wage is $7.25, I realize I am not one of them and therefore they cannot identify with me. Let’s face it, these millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires, maybe, don’t need to know the minimum wage because they’ve never had to earn it.

The current crop of candidates has never had to choose between paying their auto insurance or buying groceries. These candidates have never had to beg family members for gas money, or resorted to eating one meal a day not because they were dieting but because they couldn’t afford to eat more than one meal a day. Yet these candidates are asking us, the American public some of whom are financially well off and many of whom are not in a financial position to buy a loaf of bread, to believe in them, to believe they identify with us and care about us as individuals.

The thing of it is I can’t believe in any of these candidates so my dilemma is how do I support a gazillionaire who makes more money in one hour than I’ll make in a lifetime? It isn’t that I’m anti-rich. Hardly. I love the rich. Aerosmith helped me realize how valuable the rich will one day be in the post apocalyptic world we are sure to come into in the days following the 2010 elections.

Yes, yes, yes, I am referring to the clever song entitled “Eat the Rich.” Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “How can a rational individual endorse cannibalism of the wealthy?” Ask Nevada candidate Sharon Angle, after all she casually suggested taking our second amendment rights to heart if our candidates of choice don’t get elected. I think such is thing is quite possible given the current political climate in the country, only I see it getting out of hand quickly when the tired, the poor, the huddled masses of America’s financially devastated jobless and homeless realize that it’s a shame to let all that fresh meat go to waste just because of silly social mores about eating another human being.

If a bunch of guys in the Andes can do it why not a minimum wage worker in Fresno? This is where someone had better step up and take charge, because some of the rich live by the saying “you can never be too rich or too thin”. We, the poor people, had better think quick and realize we need to fatten up the rich. I mean, right now Paris Hilton is more of a happy meal than a Big Mac. Fatten her up and she’ll be a holiday feast for the entire family. Dick Cheney is already big enough to feed about 20. Given his status I think he should also be glazed in a blackberry sauce with an expensive wine liberated from his personal wine cellar after the revolution happens.

I suppose I should stop fantasizing about post apocalyptic dinner menus and give more thought to the lesser of two evils running in my local districts, but I’m wondering how many people they would feed if we just forego the election and start the revolution with a political smorgasbord?


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


war and remembrance
that was then, this is now, what about me?
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 3.19.03

full moon and blue jeans
maybe it was moon madness
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 9.12.02


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