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because they haven’t got ligion right yet
by michael d. driscoll
pop culture

Ever wonder if it’s called re-ligion because someone failed to get it right the first time? Sort of like the movie Groundhog Day, but with communion.

I was prepared to relinquish my latest article “167 hours in Europe” to Intrepid Media until I had a conversation about religion with a friend. This friend (no, it’s not me, Dr. Freud) is submersed in the goings-on of an evangelical church. Based on our conversation, I want to highlight some of the key points we discussed for mass consumption and thought provocation.

Disclaimer: I know the difference between spirituality and religion. I respect the right to practice any faith that doesn’t harm people, and I’m not a God-hater. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Must have a brain to enter.

Women are weaker than men
I’m not a card-carrying feminist—if there is a card for such a thing—but when my female friend said women are in fact weaker than and dependent upon men to survive in this world, I was offended. When I pushed for a detailed explanation I was met with stuttering examples of how a woman’s physique is made by God to be inferior. Three words: Chyna, Xena, RuPaul. OK, maybe not RuPaul, but I have a point.

My friend is also nine months pregnant and may have her baby by the time this column is published. I posed the question, “Are men as strong as women if men are not equipped to handle the pain associated with childbirth?” After a pause, she affirmed that in this case men are weaker than women—negating her first statement.

Personally, I believe women are stronger for pushing watermelons through their hoo-ha.

I pressed the issue further. Ultimately, I discovered my friend’s self-loathing for not knowing the answer to why women are allegedly weaker than men. “I’ll find out and get back to you,” she said in a huff. As we ended that part of our discussion I requested, “Please do not ask a male pastor, bishop or minister why women are weaker, ask a female pastor, bishop or minister.” She agreed, but also wanted to do some research of her own.

If you’re going to tell people you are inferior, shouldn’t you know why?

Women are attracted to men who are ordained by God
As we stepped slowly away from the previous discussion, I unearthed another kernel of knowledge that all women who attend church will objectify their God-channel (i.e. pastor, minister, rabbi, bishop, priest, snake-handler... etc).

Disclaimer #2: If a man approaches you ladies with the pick-up line: “I’ve been ordained by God to git in yer panties, let us pray,” engage your pepper spray.

My friend informed me that women of a church are prone to confuse their love of God with the love of the God-channel. That they apply a physical response (i.e. flirting) to a religious stimulus (i.e. preaching) is commonplace. And it is precisely that point when the God-channel either maintains their integrity or succumbs to temptation and bites into the proverbial apple.

It’s these kind of generalizations that make everyone so crazy.

The Balance
Someone wrote that a lot more harm has been done to the human psyche by religion than by all the screwing and sucking since the dawn of time. I sometimes blame disco for the same thing, but sure, religious wars played a part in the destruction of a collective psyche.

In the end, we all turn to dust in our Sunday best, and while some want to be buried, cremated or scattered...after listening to my religious friend's view of how things "work", I’ve decided to be composted.

See you at the pile!


Curious about everything, Michael plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed to go where no one else has gone. His slight forgetfulness means he is curious about everything and plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed...

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jack bradley
4.19.01 @ 1:15a

I'd love to hear a longer, more in-depth version of the discussion you two had about this topic...

...if for no other reason than to hear you say "pushing watermelons through her hoo-ha."

Tagline Alert to Jael: "A Watermelon in Every Hoo-Ha"

adam kraemer
4.19.01 @ 1:19p

Actually, from what I hear, the complaint most women have with sex is that many men don't spend enough time on the hoo-ha.

alicia coleman
4.19.01 @ 3:49p

Fortunately, your "friend" is not representative of the majority of religious people I know. While I agree that some, if not the majority of, sects - be they islamic, christian or judaic - continue to preach chauvinistic ideals, many are rapidly changing. This is thanks to members who follow Kants's advice to "criticize, but practice." To be sure, though, one need not be religious to be spiritual and to live a good life. But those who subscribe don't necessarily do so blindly. After all, it's these movers and shakers who have helped change the status of women, gays and lesbians, and minorities in many faiths.

lawrence sheets
4.19.01 @ 5:53p

re-ligion With regard to the God-channel discussion, I believe this has more to do with the toilet stall logic that "forbidden fruit is always sweeter." And this goes for guys as well.

lee anne ramsey
4.19.01 @ 8:46p

I AM a card-carrying feminist (it's a NOW membership card - kinda floppy, but I rarely need to show it anywhere)... also a member of the catholic church. You might think these two things do not mesh, and you'd be quite right.

Anyhow, I think that some women (and some men) are born to be followers and spit back what powerful people tell them to say. That is the only reason why a perfectly lovely friend would believe she is "weaker" than a man. Also, some women (and some men) are attracted to power, and that is what ministers are in their church. Has nothing to do with "confusing love of God with love of the God-channel".

roberto stooks
4.20.01 @ 10:26p

Md we are each our.......... OWN masters!!!!!!!

michael driscoll
4.21.01 @ 12:47a

Bob, you are so right on! I am as much the master of my own domain as Elaine on Seinfeld.

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