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can't a successful man get laid around here?
lessons on how to get some keeping your dignity
by jeffrey d. walker

You’d think a successful gentleman would know how to land a lady. I mean, especially in today’s economy – these days, a bottom line in the black should be enough to at least get a phone number. And, if on top of such moderate success, you have some modicum of clout, you’re more than ¾ of the way to closing the deal already.

But contrary to those odds, in the past few months, and just within the confines of New York State, several high-profile men, all of whom appear to fit this ¾ of the way home description, are now poster-boys for “I blew it.” Let’s review:

The most extreme examples, if true, would be Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former managing director of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in mid-May for alleged sexual assault on a hotel worker in New York City; followed by the arrest of Mahmoud Abdel Salam Omar, Former Chairman Of Major Egypt Bank, at the end of May for almost identical charges.

I won’t go on at length about these two allegations, since both of these gentlemen have pleaded not guilty, and of course, both these men should be considered innocent until proven guilty. But, at least for the sake of this piece, these guys serve as my points one and two on successful hooking up:

#1: Respect Women; and
#2: Even if others aren’t doing it, Respect Women.

Trust me, as an attorney who has personally represented clients facing sexual allegations: you do not want to find yourself on the receiving end of any sexual allegations. Ever! Not even an insinuation.

So what should you do? The biggest lesson I learned from most of my cases: don’t hook up drunk. Yeah, I know, I did it as a young single man… a lot. And you know what? Even as a guy whose morals have swung lower than any chariot can from time to time in my youth, there were a few of those times where even I wasn’t so proud myself the next day.

A drunken “Mmmm…” misinterpreted as an “ok” can be tomorrow’s regret in a heartbeat. And, believe me when I tell you, while regret might not fly for a criminal conviction: (a) you still don’t want to defend against it; and (b) if you’re attending a private university, subject to their own rules of sexual misconduct, you might still be screwed.

In keeping with the “respect women” rule, and beyond avoiding the drunken hook-up, just make sure you are clear that what you’re doing sexually is consensual. Heck, everyone’s got a cell phone these days; maybe have her take a second to text you a “Let’s do this” beforehand, or take a photo of her giving the thumbs up.

Ok Ok, that may be overkill, but after all, the first two points in this article are serious enough to be the same thing twice. So, put simply, unless you are the fortunate guy who has been given advanced permission to get “rough” with a lady sexually, you’re all but inviting the opportunity to become the recipient of a good skewering of your own if you gets handsy with a lady, and if you aren’t getting my drift, click here.

Final thing on rules #1 and #2, at minimum, just ask her what she likes. Just because you know where all the parts go doesn’t mean you should just “get ‘er done.”

Ok, we’ve now reached the point in the story that the “alleged” language can go out, because the next couple guys have admitted their culpability…, or, at least eventually did as the evidence mounted. Point three would be attributed to: Republican Rep. Christopher Lee of New York, who resigned his Congressional House seat in February following a report that the married congressman had tried to meet a woman on Craigslist, in part, by sending a photo of himself with his shirt off.

#3 “Keep your shirt on!”

This isn’t in the literal sense exactly, although that part is accurate for this example also. But I’m actually thinking of the idiom, which Answers.com confirms: “advises you to be patient, or calm, until the situation is resolved. It is often used when individuals assertively clamor for attention.”

You might want to get laid, right now! But sending what should be private photos of yourself in an attempt to get it? Stupid. There are better and less embarrassing ways to reach your goal.

“Sexting”, while great foreplay for couples already in some form of a relationship, is a recipe for becoming seriously embarrassed when you start sending racy text and images to a pretty-much-a-stranger. Think about it in another era; would you have sent a nude painting to yourself in the 1800’s via courier to an essential stranger because you hoped that it might get you laid? No? Then what are you doing with that cell phone in front of the bathroom mirror with your bits hanging out?

If you are going to get laid by this stranger, trying to race to the end goal via a dirty photo text is generally a bad plan. So, keep your shirt on, in both the literal and figurative sense when you’re starting out.

Also, if you’re married, and you’re sending racy photos to get laid by strangers on craigslist, for free, you get whatever hell you deserve. If you’re committed, stay that way, or get out. Or for God’s sake, if you’re going to be an adulterer, don’t try to do it on a free-to-the-public site! Hire the The Ashley Madison Agency. Discretion, fool. Discretion.

This, is a rule that our #4 poster boy, Anthony Weiner, could have used. Anthony, as of today’s news (writing concluded 6/13/11) announced that he will take a leave of absence from Congress and enter a “treatment program”, presumably for a sexually proclivity (type of treatment not formally disclosed). Meanwhile, most people are demanding his resignation, following evidence that he sent sexually laced photos and messages to scores of women via Twitter, some while he was single, and some after he was married, and the big mistake was that he lied and said his account was “Hacked” when he first got caught.

#4: If you did it and you’re caught, don’t lie

Much like the South Carolina Governor who pretended he was just “Hiking the Appalachian Trail”, when he was really screwing his South American mistress, a cheater who lies after the cheat is exposed publicly will be crushed.

Unlike the 1800s, when your covert nude painting could not be easily duplicated and shared, the Internet and social media allows almost anyone to uncover and expose your online communications. If in this day and age, you attempt to lie about some things you did or said online, and you’ve got any public persona, you’re just asking to be hung out to dry by some geek in his basement with too much time on his hands.

What should he have done? Simple - Just ‘fessed up when he was confronted. “Ok, Yeah, I was trying to get laid by some hot chicks that checked me out online. Sorry. I’m a dude. Now, I gotta get back to work.”

Case closed.


A practicing attorney and semi-professional musician, Walker writes for his own amusement, for the sake of opinion, to garner a couple of laughs, and to perhaps provoke a question or two, but otherwise, he doesn't think it'll amount to much.

more about jeffrey d. walker


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tracey kelley
6.14.11 @ 10:39a

"Think about it in another era; would you have sent a nude painting to yourself in the 1800’s via courier to an essential stranger because you hoped that it might get you laid? No? Then what are you doing with that cell phone in front of the bathroom mirror with your bits hanging out?"


jeffrey walker
6.14.11 @ 10:58a

I enjoyed writing that line. Your know, just because photos / text seem easily disposed of these days, they are not.

jeffrey walker
6.14.11 @ 1:14p

maigen thomas
6.15.11 @ 2:21a

I'm shocked. And I really hope no one ever reads MY sexts at this rate. I'd like to think I'm a little more erudite, but really...I'm sure they're just as bad.

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