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size may or may not matter
i wouldn't say this is a scientific fact, no
by maigen thomas (@Maigen)

Penis size is all about perspective.

You should probably realize by now that this column isn't for the easily offended. Nor is it particularly safe for work, if your boss can read your screen and you have it set to REALLY BIG FONT. I've only just realized that I will probably be very selective in who I send the link to via email. My mom won't be particularly distraught, but my grandmother may be a little shocked.

Then again, my grandmother IS the woman who made a ribald comment when I pointed out a particularly large and well-formed parsnip in the produce section.

Frankly, it's ME, so no one should be truly surprised.

In making my opening statement, I don't mean that perspective on penis is the difference between the view from above versus the view from on your knees. The "zoom, enhance" feature doesn't work in person. What I mean by perspective is that it's all truly based on personal preference. Every vagina isn't built the same size, so what's large to one girl might be inadequate to another. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you know?

I've never, personally, been what some call a 'Size Queen', but I will say that I've had better Penis Karma than most. You may get good parking spots. I get nice cocks. It works out, right? Also, I don't have a car. Good parking spots on a regular basis don't help me very much.

I have drunken video of one of my friends quoting Chris Rock: "A woman knows if she's going to fuck you within the first five minutes of meeting you." This is true of men as well, but the difference lies in that they know they'd like to, what they don't know is whether or not they'll get to.

There have been many discussions in my presence, usually when we've all had a few drinks, wherein both male and female friends of mine discuss their favourite parts about having sex with someone for the first time. Some say the pleasure lies in the taste of a new person's skin. Some - like the comedian Ron White - say "when you've seen one pair of breasts...you'd like to see the rest of them." Some want to find the person who makes them feel like the sexiest person on earth. Some - like the movie "Hall Pass" - love the arch a woman makes when you're pulling down her panties for the first time. Some girls like to see if their mental guess about what type of underwear a guy is wearing turns out to be correct. Likewise, there are a myriad of reasons why anyone climbs into bed with someone new.

Size doesn't really come up until you're in the heat of the moment. By then, you're kind of committed. If the girl has been wearing a Super Miracle Boob Enhancer(TM, I think) bra, when the clothes come off, she knows he's going to know. It's hard to hide anything when you're completely naked, but I do suppose that's why so many people have sex without any lights on whatsoever.

Once upon a time, when I was twenty, I had a massive crush on the top salesperson at a telecommunications company I worked for. He was charismatic, smart and driven. I'm not going to tell you that I was particularly subtle in my chase, and he was very good at over-selling and under-delivering. A few months later I left to work for another company, and probably six months after that I ran into him at a local martini bar. This time I was harder to get, and he obliged me by doing the pursuing.

Long story short, I have never been so disappointed in my ENTIRE (sexual) LIFE. So much charisma. So much charm. So unbelievably sexy. So unbelievably small. SO SMALL. Words cannot adequately begin to describe the disappointment had when that discovery was made. I made the requisite noises and departed posthaste.

(Ha! I just googled, and he's on LinkedIn, still in the same industry. I will not be posting his name, lucky for him.)

So here's the theory I have about Size and Mattering:

Guys who are less well endowed tend to behave like guys who have limited martial arts training. Those with less or no skill with fighting tend to be the guys with something to prove. They're more likely to have a chip on their shoulder and talk a lot of game. They're big talkers, but when it comes time to put up or shut up, they want to talk their way right back out of the situation. Guys with smaller or average sized Cash and Prizes behave comparably. They over-compensate with the investment into appearances: a nice car, great suits, incredible personality, etc. It's all about Value Added Perception.

Conversely, the guys who are Packing Heat, like those guys with black belts in Karate or Akido, they know they have nothing to prove. They're more reserved, less likely to draw attention. A little quieter, a little more laid back. A master of any combat art realizes the power he wields and uses it wisely, as does any man with larger than average unit. The Sifu may approach any situation thinking "Hey, I know I could crush your larynx with one strike" (actually, that could really be either of them, if you get right down to it) and adjust his words and actions accordingly.

A friend who is well endowed tells me of the time he was going to meet a very famous billionaire, a man by whom most people are intimidated and awed. He went into the meeting calm, cool and collected - and walking a little bigger. Why? He had heard tales from a female friend who had dated this wealthy and influential guy - he knew that in certain ways, he stacked up way higher. Instead of stressing about the meeting, he was thinking to himself "What's impressive about having a big bank account? Nothing. You can go into space? That's awesome. I have a way bigger cock."

Maybe it's ridiculous, but the lesson in all of this comes from having confidence in yourself. Personally, I get a shot of confidence from being tall and having a fairly commanding presence. After I got past all of the awkward years (pretty much anything between the ages of 10 and 27), I realized that there's nothing wrong with being happy and proud of who you are - and it means embracing all of the awesome things about yourself, instead of waiting on someone else to praise them. A guy who's been blessed in the pants department has this confidence, because it's a Known Factor. The rest of us need to find our Known Factors.

Occasionally, when the cosmos align in the just the right manner, a man is born with all the right stuff. He's smart and funny, attractive and self-possessed, humble and interesting and also happens to be a great big rocket in the sack. These men, just like their truly amazing female counter parts, should be greatly appreciated when you come across them. Trust me, I've kissed enough frogs to know a prince when I find one.

The whole point I'm attempting to make here is that size is the least important of the factors involved in having sex with someone. Out of the bedroom, that person should attract you, draw you in and make you laugh. They should intrigue you over coffee and newspapers and be the the kind of person you want to snuggle with on a rainy day. Spend more time getting turned on the by the brain and the body follows. Most importantly, know what you're bringing to the table, and be confident in yourself. It's the sexist thing I've ever fallen for.

As a final note, don't make the mistake I made when researching this column: Don't google anything involving the term "big penis", ever. I thought I might find some anecdotal quotes, but I didn't find anything of the sort. I'm sure you can imagine what I *did* find.


Maigen is simple. is smart. is wholesome. is skeevy. is spicy. is delicate. is better. is purer. is 100% more awesome than yesterday. She';s traveling the world and writing about her experiences with life, love, yoga, food, travel and people. Mostly people. Because they';re funny. hear more of her random thoughts @maigen on twitter.

more about maigen thomas


dating is different these days
for one thing, more penis pictures
by maigen thomas
topic: humor
published: 6.22.11

one of these things is not like the others....
but does it really matter?
by maigen thomas
topic: humor
published: 6.24.05


lewis pikes
7.25.11 @ 9:00p

Great article Maigen! My advice to guys who come to me for "sex advice" is almost always the same... slow down. Step back and understand what is happening. Don't get caught up so much that you miss it completely. If WOMEN can get women off, It's CLEARLY not just about the dick :-) You sound like you may have already found a Prince....no?

penny mcgee
7.27.11 @ 12:34a

I just had to say....great, great, great....I love you girl. Maybe we can all get together someday when you are home...come to the farm whenever you want...miss ya

katherine (aka clevertitania)
7.28.11 @ 10:05p

When I see all those banners for dick-pills I just think; spend your money on something worthwhile, like a Dr. Ruth book!

You're absolutely correct; the quality of the sex rarely has to do with the size of the equipment. In fact, the primary failure of every lousy lover I've had was thinking that foreplay meant 10 minutes of mutual stimulation and then let's get bouncy.

Boys, if you really want to wow a woman, touch her for more than an hour WITHOUT going for the red zones. You'll be amazed.

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