So the adventurous digital vixen Lara Croft, full-time fantasy figure for sore-thumbed teenage boys everywhere, will be played by Angelina Jolie in Paramount's upcoming Tomb Raider movie. Well, that's just great. She's perfect for the part, right? Sexy, daring, provocative - and she's got that whole "don't think you can fuck with me just because I'm a sexy, daring and provocative girl" thing down.
I thought she was great in Bone Collector. No, really - I love those kinds of movies, and I thought she was a pretty hot ticket. Then when I saw Girl Interrupted - and she did some excellent acting in that film - I admit to being quite engaged with her character. I mean, she made crazy look really good.
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't changed much since I was thirteen years old. I'll be thirty in three days, and I still prefer Stephen King over John Grisham (though on that I'm sure many of you won't draw much of a distinction - fact is, when it comes to commercial art, I personally enjoy the inane details - but I digress). I still gawk at the TV like a starstruck loony when I see an interview with any member of KISS. If I had the time, I know damn well I'd be hunched in front of the tube playing all manner of video games, especially those which provide a constant posterior view of a supermodel in tight blue shorts.
I'm positive that if I were sixteen years old right now, I'd be enough of a dork to be really excited about the Tomb Raider movie. I'm not saying I'd actually talk to anyone about it - I mean, I'm a guy and all - but I'd certainly dedicate a generous portion of my private mind toward visualizing Angelina running, jumping, crouching and biting her way across the big screen. Oh my.
IF I were sixteen. I say IF, because, even though in so many ways I'm the same impulsive, B-movie watching, heavy metal loving, Dorito-crunching horn dog I always was, I cannot, and I mean canNOT look at Angelina Jolie and not see Jon Voight's HEAD perched atop her body.
It kills me. This is not the kind of thing that presents a problem for a young man. Only a stressed-out thirty-something could be so adversely affected by the discovery that Jon Voight fathered an obviously beautiful and talented woman. I mean look at those lips for God's sake! They should turn me on, inside out, and every which way, but I swear when I look at them all I see is Joe Buck from Midnight Cowboy. Not sexy at all. Unless you happen to be into gigalo dishwashers.
The point is, I feel like this is the kind of reaction only an old man would have, and it's just not roight. I mean right.
I saw Starship Troopers in the theater, man. I even rented it when it came out on VHS. And again when it came out on DVD. Granted, I didn't subject myself to multiple viewings of that film because Casper Van Dien and Dina Meyer have Angelina's irresisable star power or anything like that - that movie was pure eye candy for me - it's just that usually stupid stuff doesn't really bother me that much.
I guess I feel cheated or something. I don't know. Maybe in some way my inability to objectify Slingblade guy's wife will be a good thing for both of us. Maybe I'll be one of the few members of the thirty-something male demographic that will be paying more attention to her acting than to her more...obvious endowments. It could be that Jon Voight's work in Deliverance, Catch 22, and (believe it or not) Anaconda really touched me in some way. So now, when I see his distinctive countenance superimposed over Angelina's, it commands a simple respect that nullifies my typically irrepressible instincts for lechery.
Or maybe, as you get older, your noodle doesn't always rule the old chicken coop upstairs. Kind of sad, though, ain't it?
In any case, Hollywood could still win this battle. Proper lighting and the right camera angles might just make me forget my little problem for ninety minutes or so, and for a short spell I'll be transported; sixteen years old, immersed in high-stakes adventure, drooling helplessly over the larger-than-life heroine.
The soundtrack will be Rob Zombie instead of Van Halen, but like the man says, it's still rock and roll to me.
Brown eyes, brown hair, bluejeans and a T-shirt. Digs loud guitars and good design. Easily hypnotized by green-eyed blondes, shiny leather, B-movies, and brightly packaged foods. He's got a bustle in his hedgerow - but he is NOT alarmed.
ABOUT JEFF MILLER
more about jeff miller
5.11.01 @ 3:38a
Personally, I'm still grappling with the image of a noodle ruling my chicken coop.
But I'm mostly with you, Jeff. Hell, I liked Tremors.
5.11.01 @ 5:37a
I'd like to point out that I'm 17 and I most certainly do *not* buy into Lara Croft. But then again, I'm not like most 17-year olds.. Angelina did a splendid job in Gone in 60 seconds, BTW. Now there's a "boy" film :-)
5.11.01 @ 9:17a
I'm still getting over the difficulty of looking at Rebecca De Mornay and trying not to see Wally George.
5.11.01 @ 9:18a
Most 17-year-olds aren't brilliant Norwegian polyglots? You shock me.
5.11.01 @ 9:26a
Huh...huh...you said polyglot.
5.11.01 @ 11:35a
I have to roll with Jolie in Pushing Tin. Ok, not the best film, but John Cusack is a favorite of mine, and I like Jolie best as a really really drunk girl looking to party. I'm sorry -- hot drunk girls are what I go for.
But watching a moive just to see hot chicks is not a crime, as long as you admit to yourself that that's is what you're there for. If you're a man renting Coyote Ugly, just admit you want to see hot girls dancing on bars. Don't insult yourself and others by alleging, "I've heard it's a good plot about transformation into womanhood." (Wuss)
5.11.01 @ 11:43a
*finds a dictionary*
polyglot: A schizophrenic who has several obtrusive, obscene and generally brilliantly evil personalities.
Well, then, Jael, nope, you're right.
*considers if he should go and find out what 'polyglot' actually means*
5.11.01 @ 11:45a
(That last post didn't work very well)
5.11.01 @ 11:48a
Well, you're either "composed of correlative text in several languages often arranged in parallel columns" or "one who speaks or writes several languages." You pick.
Your level of evilness is another matter entirely...
5.11.01 @ 11:50a
And Pushing Tin wasted a brilliant cast. The flick itself was only OK. Walker and I share an affection for John Cusack but I can't say I'm too excited by hot drunk girls. Actually, I can say for sure I'm not.
5.11.01 @ 12:17p
I agree that John Cusack is the man. I agree that Pushing Tin should have been much better. And if your thing is hot women dancing on bars (as is mine), check out the actual Coyote Ugly, or, even better, Hogs n' Heiffers or Red Rock West Saloon.
michelle von euw
5.11.01 @ 4:02p
Pushing Tin remains the biggest disappointment of my recent cinematic history. I spent the entire movie waiting for Cate Blanchett to show up.
5.12.01 @ 6:28p
come on... the scene where Billy Bob Thornton let's himself get blown in the air by the backwash of a 747 with banjo music in the background at least gets Pushing Tin at least an, "it was ok."
Jael hot drunk girls are people, too.
5.14.01 @ 6:42p
Yeah, I have to admit I sorta wanted to rent a Coyote Ugly DVD last week while my girl was out of town. I managed to avoid it, however, but only because they had a copy of MI2. That movie sorta sucked, and now I'm wishing I had gone for the booty movie instead. Oh well.
5.14.01 @ 7:27p
Walker, it's not the concept of the hot drunk girl I object to. (Hell, some would say I've been one.) But let's not turn this into another "Girls Gone Wild" discussion.
Any movie with Billy Bob Thornton AND banjo music is even less likely to get a thumbs-up from me than a movie that wastes actresses like Blanchett and Jolie. But Cusack in almost every scene, THAT rates.
5.15.01 @ 11:50a
McHenry, I suppose it's a difference in personal tastes. While movies that are great as a whole, (for example, Rushmore), there are also movies I love for single scenes of such genius that they will never escape my head, and warrant the rest of the movie being called "good" simply based on such a great part. One example being the 747 scene in Pushing Tin, another being the scene where the dog has a flashback as to how he lost the rent money in Little Nicky. I find joy in single pieces in films that are really funny, but are in actuality superfluous to the plot itself.
5.15.01 @ 2:15p
Gotta love that scene in the execrable Little Nicky with the dog - "I'M WASTED!!!" - Wow that's funny. MI2 is one of the worst movies ever, worth a watch only for Thandie Newton's transcendant beauty. As for Pushing Tin, that movie starts out about air-traffic controllers and male rivalry, then turns, out of nowhere, into a romantic story about Cusack and Blanchett. Blanchett, by the way, RULES. But can't save such a muddled, ineffective film.
michelle von euw
5.15.01 @ 4:05p
Blanchett rules, Cusack is a god, Jolie is interesting, and Billy Bob has done some great things in films. Which brings us right back to McHenry's original point: Pushing Tin wasted a great cast. Which is, to me, more of a disappointment than a movie starring, say, Adam Sandler.
5.15.01 @ 5:23p
Michael -- the "I'm Wasted" scene is exactly the one I'm talking about. I almost cried as I saw that!
I can see how an excellent wasted cast is more disappointing than a film with one big star who essentially wrote the script themself (see any adam sandler film, or any of a number of Stallone written pieces). But here's a question: Does a film like "pushing tin" suck because there WAS good takes and acting and the producers and editors just totally blow it when they put it together, or was the script lousy to begin with? and if it WAS a lousy script, then why would such a cast as Cusack, Blanchett, and even "slingblade" himself even sign on to be a part of such a piece of crapp? (also, while I'm asking questions, why is it that everything John Travolta has ever done since 1981 except pulp fiction totally sucked? (and face off doesn't count as that was Cage's great performance alongside of lousy travolta)
5.15.01 @ 5:34p
b) they really wanted to work with that director or the other stars.
5.16.01 @ 9:39a
c) The script might have looked much better on paper.
5.16.01 @ 3:36p
d) Travolta is a Scientologist. Logic does not exist there.
By the way, I heard that Beck is now a Scientologist. And the respect meter plummets to zero. I love the man's music, but man, it's damn hard to reconcile his talent with his faith in Scientology. Now I sound like a bigot.
Plus, Scientology or no, Travolta has NO BUSINESS SENSE.
5.16.01 @ 4:32p
I am opposed to organized religion across the board, but that is a personal thing. I must admit, also that the previews for "Swordfish" look like our pal Travolta has signed on to another expensive lousy project. But if the man has anything going for him, he is married to Kelly Preston. So, including Pulp Fiction, at least he has made two good decision since 1981.
5.16.01 @ 4:45p
I have nothing against organized religion, but I'm opposed to Travolta across the board. No Swordfish for me, thankyouverymuch.
5.17.01 @ 4:26a
I like Pulp Fiction, I am personally opposed to organized religion, I love swordfish (note the little "s"), I think John Revolta is a maroon, and that Kelly Preston may be pretty, but she married the aforementioned Mr. Revolta.
Who says we can't come up with ideas for the Ten Foot Poll?