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napster - barefoot and pregnant?
her recent media scandal, love interests, and fraternal twins! it's all inside...
by jeremiah p. iacovelli

Yes, Napster is female. There is no way that a male is that generous. Napster stunned the music world with her commitment to the universal language by temporarily giving us every last bit of music on Earth for a short period of time. She has given me every hard-to-find album that I’ve ever wanted, not to mention music that I otherwise never would have heard. I, like many people who know her, have been inspired. Of course, it was only a matter of time before "The Man" stepped in and halted her progress indefinitely. Over the past months, "The Man" has systematically taken Napster apart, and if you visit her today, she can only give you a good amount of live material, and every John Denver recording. Oh, I mustn’t forget free Dave Matthews Band singles. Morale is low, and across the country music lovers mourn for Napster and her welfare. In her first interview ever, Napster reveals all to me:

Intrepid Contributor: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. The past months have surely been a rollercoaster ride for you. Your fame has rotted into infamy in just a few short weeks. "The Man" has made you all but useless and many people are starting to wonder if you really were the refreshing kick in the ass the music industry needed, or just a cheap ploy to get us to buy CD burners. I’m sorry for the bluntness of that question, but we need to know. Napster, are you for real?

Napster: You are right. Things have been tough. It can be hard being an independent woman these days. Have you ever tried to live your life AND give 20 million people 5,654,203,525,479 pieces of music at the same time? It got to the point that I wasn’t even getting to see my boyfriend. But, I’ll tell you this: I was and am for real. Napster is about freedom. Unfortunately, people have been a little angry with me lately. Too often they ask me to look for things for them, and either I don’t have it, or I tell them that their action has been cancelled. They don’t like that.

IC: I bet not. Do people recognize you in public and how do you deal with that?

N: Well, I get hit on a lot. Some people mistake me for Monica Lewinsky, and I have to tell them otherwise. I guess most people know who I am, but they usually just want me to get things for them. Nobody is ever concerned with anything else. People are generally selfish creatures and that is partly why I have failed here in the U.S.

IC: Let’s talk about your recent therapy and how that has helped you deal with the recent allegations of copyright infringement.

N: Sure. I went to a shrink a few weeks ago. As it turns out, I was created by some meathead and was just a front to collect every imaginable Dave Matthews Band performance. Through hypnosis, I have been able to deal with my feelings of inadequacy as well as rid my head of that incessant song “Tripping Billies.” I have a steady diet of medication now, as well. I am on the road to recovery and have many new plans to rejuvenate the country's interest in free music.

IC: Did you know that the Supreme Court just ruled that medicinal marijuana is entirely illegal?

N: @%*& &*##@. No, I didn’t know that.

IC: Well, anyway, you mentioned before that you have a new love interest. Would you mind telling us a little bit about him?

N: Well, I can’t reveal his name, but I can say that he used to work in the Oval Office, if ya know what I mean. For some reason, he decided to move into Harlem, and I don’t get to see him often. He’s gonna be pissed about that Supreme Court decision...anyway, sorry, that’s all I can say about him.

IC: Well, we won’t pry into that issue anymore. We have time for one more question. Congratulations on the birth of your brand new babies! They are fraternal twins right? What exactly does that mean?

N: Why thank you! Fraternal means that that Delta Kappa Gamma boy I used to date probably fertilized them. Their names are Aimster, and File Navigator. (Pay attention, this part is true.) If you enter their names in the http line on your Internet explorer followed by ".com" you will be able to visit them and see how great they really are! You see, they are much better versions of me. You can use them to contact me, or search the entire web for music that exists on people’s hard drives just like I used to do. With File Navigator you can even trade other types of files, like movies and documents. The little known thing about these children is that they are immune from "The Man’s" evil grasp. They are not nearly as centralized as me, and the only downfall is that they have slightly less material than I once did. But, they are good kids, and with your help, we can bring the spirit of Napster back once again!

IC: Ok! Well, we’re out of time. Thank you Napster for this look into your twisted psyche. By the way, you do know that you are not a woman, but a genderless program with mediocre search methods and poor color options?

N: No, I’m not...am I? To think of it, I’ve never looked in a mirror. Wait, what IS a mirror? I don’t even have eyes! Oh my god, Billy? AHHHHHHHhhhhh…

Well, that’s the end of our Q&A with the ever-charming Napster. Test out her children at www.aimster.com and www.filenavigator.com. If we want free music it’s gonna have to be them. This is Intrepid Contributor, signing out.


Human being.

more about jeremiah p. iacovelli


heath jackson
6.5.01 @ 6:10p

Very clever. I thought I 'd heard about enough about Napster (and yes, I am bitter that it's gone), but that was a fun read.

In all fairness though, I think you should make note of some of the browsers on the Gnutella network, like LimeWire, BearShare, etc. There are a lot more than 2 bastard step-children of Napster. And you can choose the tool/interface you want - Anything running on Gnutella technology plays well with others on Gnutella.

jeremiah iacovelli
6.5.01 @ 7:40p

I agree. But, Gnutella and its kind are a little less user friendly and require a bit more technical knowledge. But, I agree, they produce more results.

joe procopio
6.8.01 @ 11:08a

Napster was a good thing turned ugly in the name of a dollar. In fact, it's the conversion of the Internet into a strip mall that has caused this downturn. No one needs to buy stamps over the Internet. No one. Very few will buy records over the internet a year from now. Watch.

jael mchenry
6.12.01 @ 10:28a

Ah yes, the Internet as salvation. It slices! It dices! You can buy stamps on it! People might stop buying records over the internet, but I think it'll happen more because record stores or companies will stop selling records over the internet first. I just can't believe it's taken this long for people to realize that it's very, very difficult to make money off something you don't charge for. Advertising works some, yes, but with no captive audience it's like putting a small, thin, metallic advertisement in a haystack.

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