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can suzanne somers be far behind?
that's what friends are for
by robert a. melos
pop culture

It's about a month behind, but in case you didn't hear this news it happened around the end of April or beginning of May 2002.

Well I feel much safer knowing notorious druggie, er, pop singer, Dionne Warwick has been arrested in a Miami airport for allegedly carrying marijuana cigarettes in a lipstick container. I didn’t even see her picture on the FBI’s most wanted list. The Office of Homeland Security should be crowing about this news. Ms. Warwick’s arrest proves security is back up to snuff, thus making it safe for everyone to once again board “Trains and Boats and Planes” and spend money to help boost the travel industry.

What? Surely you remember Dionne Warwick? She sang all those Burt Bacharach songs, like “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” and “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again.” She also sang the “Theme From The Valley Of The Dolls,” the 1960s film sensation about sex, drugs and stardom. Isn’t it ironic? No, she didn’t sing “Isn’t It Ironic,” Alanis Morissette sang “Isn’t It Ironic.”

Dionne Warwick, not to be confused with Celine Dion who sang that dreadful love song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic”, or with Dion Di Muci of Dion And The Belmonts who sang “Donna The Prima Donna,” also hosted Solid Gold the American Bandstand-like television show which featured performances by gold record recording artists. Now do you remember her? How about as the spokesperson for Psychic Friends Network?

I guess her psychic friend didn’t see drug arrest in the cards for dear Dionne. Oh well, it wasn’t as if she were shooting up heroin as Diana Ross portrayed in the film “Lady Sings The Blues,” the story of late blues singer Billie Holiday. I mean, we are talking about Dionne Warwick here. She doesn’t exactly fit the description of every pothead I see portrayed in films or on television. She’s old enough to be my grandmother for crying out loud. You just don’t go around arresting grandmothers for possession of marijuana, especially if they are carrying it for “medicinal purposes.”

Oh yeah, the “medicinal purposes” defense. Donald Rumsfeld, the head of Homeland Security, will see through that one in a minute. He’s old enough to remember Dionne Warwick and Burt Bacharach. I’m sure he listened to a lot of elevator music, er, easy listening music, back in the day. Oh, all right. I admit it. I too listened to Dionne Warwick songs, but I never inhaled.

On a brighter note, Florida is in the news again. For a state which is supposed to be a vacation and retirement haven for the elderly, Florida seems to be a haven for less then traditional values activities. Unless you plan to retire to a state where you might contract anthrax or have your votes discounted because you’re too weak to punch through the ballot card, all possibly due to weakened physical health because you smoked too much of the reefer for your glaucoma before you became a senior citizen.

So thanks to Dionne Warwick, we as a nation now know not only has marijuana become the drug of choice for the senior citizen set, but also how improved airport security has become. If reefer madness has taken hold of our elder population, is Dionne Warwick not only going to become an advocate for the legalization of marijuana but have another resurrection of her career as well? Will pot-smoking seniors be lining up at ticket agents all across the country to pay inflated prices for concert tickets to here her warble “I Say A Little Prayer?” Perhaps she’ll do a cover of “One Toke Over The Line.”

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how the arrest of Dionne Warwick will affect national security. Will her current career (?) spiral downward leading her to more dangerous substances to help her forget the humiliation? Or will this all be forgotten like George W. Bush’s admitted cocaine use? Will Donald Rumsfeld use Dionne’s unfortunate circumstances to further his career, and perhaps get a spot on the Tonight Show opposite Jay Leno? Or is this just a ploy to take national attention off of the faltering economy, by distracting us with the arrest of a has-been pop star?

I have all these questions and concerns. It’s too bad the Psychic Friends Network went belly up. I really would like to know what the future holds for Dionne and the nation. Maybe if I call Miss Cleo I’ll get the answers I seek?


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


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topic: pop culture
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topic: pop culture
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matt morin
7.1.02 @ 1:50a

It would either be really scary, or really cool to have Dion Warwick as a grandmother.

I'm voting for really scary.

roger striffler
7.1.02 @ 9:31a

I've always liked Dionne, and now I guess we can blame her whole involvement with the psychic friends network onthe weed, which makes me feel better.

Maybe this whole situation will make Zsa Zsa think twice about assaulting flight attendants...

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