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how to be a badass in ten easy steps
your entrance to the hood
by erik lars myers (@TopFermented)
10.28.02
humor


Thank you for purchasing this, your guide to being a badass. Now, you, too, can impress family and friends by using unfavorable tactics to manipulate people, steal goods and services, and avoid responsibility. It all happens in ten easy steps.

Step One: Change your name. Use umlauts if you can.1 It's all right there. Change the spelling of your name to include umlauts. Erik Lars Myers may not be badass, but Erïk Lärs Myërs is. Motley Crue may not be badass, but Mötley Crüe is. If you don't have a name that will sound badass with umlauts (like Gwënyth or Bärbie or Kräemer), change your name to something that is badass. Even better, something that's badass with umlauts, like Juän or Spïke or Evil-Sön-of-ä-Bitch. Avoid getting your new name on business cards. Business cards are not badass. If you must leave your calling card, do it with a can of spray paint or something sharp.

Step two: Flip people off -- all the time. It's the only way to function. Don't reserve your middle finger for those who cut you off in traffic. No! Got a good cup of coffee at the diner? Flip off the waitress. Cop wave you through a red light? Flip him off. Boss give you a good quarterly review and a raise? Flip him off, too.

Step three: Use the right vocabulary. You may be thinking that the right vocabulary might include some sort of Ebonics. It is very important to note that Ebonics only work to make you badass if you are the correct ethnicity. Nothing makes you look more stupid than being a little white-assed monkey and trying to talk like a brotha. Stupid is not badass. Try swearing more, but be creative. Badasses think outside the box. A good method of cussing in a creative manner is to use the word "cock" in conjunction with a two-syllabled type of animal. Words like cockmonkey, cockbadger, cockdonkey, or cockweasel work wonderfully. Remember, however, the two syllable rule. Cockcat, cockdog, or cocksloth are not badass. Cockrhinocerous, cockelephant, or cockplatypus simply take too long to say may be answered with a, "What was that?" Insults that are not immediately clear are not effective.

Remember, repetition can also be a useful key in being a badass. Once you find something that offends someone, try to repeat it as often as possible.

Step four: Get a haircut. You hippie. If you want to walk around with your long greasy hippie hair, go join the Rainbow People and listen to the Dead. A badass does not use conditioner. A badass does not have split ends. If you have a head shaped well enough for it, shave your head. If not, try something short that you can spike or mold using 10/40 Pennzoil. Do not get a pompadour. They were badass in Grease, but do not translate to real life.

Step five: Smoke. Badasses smoke. Don't you go to the movies? You should know this. Back in the 50's everybody smoked because Ronald Reagan did all the Chesterfield ad campaigns. That was different. Now only badasses smoke. Light up, or get out.

Step six: Get a badass job. You can't be a badass if you work at McDonalds. You can't be a badass if you work behind a desk or have a managerial title. In order to be a badass you have to be doing something physical, something that gets you dirty. You want a badass job? Learn how to repair Harleys or semi trucks, or work construction. Better yet, work construction, learn how to ride a Harley, break it, then learn how to fix it, you pussy.

Step seven: Get a badass hobby. Badass hobbies include playing poker, going to strip clubs, shooting rats, and spray painting your tag on federal buildings. Badass hobbies do not include stamp collecting, model trains, building kites, or gardening.

Step eight: Pay in cash. A badass carries a huge wad of cash everywhere they go. This does not mean that you have to be rich. Consider cashing your weekly paycheck as one $20, the rest in $1s. Be sure to wrap the $20 around all of the singles and not the other way around. Badasses do not pay with plastic, even debit cards. Nothing says, "I'm not a badass." more than whipping out your Platinum Visa to pay the $6 for a 30-pack of Genny Light.

Step nine: Carry a weapon. This is not to mean, "Carry a gun." Yes, guns are weapons, but they go a little far over the edge of badass -- unless, of course, you live in Texas. Believe it or not, there are weapons that say badass much more guns do. Chains, brass knuckles, or most types of serrated knives work fine. Do not carry steak knives from the kitchen. That's just weird. The small version of the Swiss Army Knife does not count as a weapon, as nobody, aside from airport security, is really intimidated by toe-nail clippers or tweezers.

Step ten: Come up with a strut or swagger. First, it's important to know the difference between a strut and a swagger. A swagger includes motions of the hips and legs, while a strut if a full body affair. A swagger may be a John-Wayne-type, "I've just ridden a horse for 3 hours" kind of walk, while a strut may lead with a shoulder raised to the left side of your face as if to say, "My neck is sore so I'm gonna git you sucka." A well cultivated strut or swagger can strike fear in unsuspecting passers-by. Once you've achieved your method use it at all times. You should strut into the bathroom at Burger King with the same attitude and verve you use to round up your henchmen for a midnight heist.

After you've perfected these ten easy steps. You may consider purchasing our next guide How to Become Even More of a Badass in which you can learn how and where to hire henchmen and droogs, how to create your own custom-built low-rider, and much, much more!

How to Be a Badass in Ten Easy Steps is too badass to tell you about copyright or publishing information. Just know that if you plagiarize, we'll find you and fuck you up. 'Nuff said.

1 With all due respect to The Onion's "Ünited Stätes Toughens Image with Umlauts."


ABOUT ERIK LARS MYERS

Writer, beer drinker, brewer. Not necessarily in the order. For more, check Top Fermented and Mystery Brewing Company.

more about erik lars myers

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COMMENTS

russ carr
10.28.02 @ 12:12a

Behold the badass!

robert melos
10.28.02 @ 1:13a

Russ shoots and scores!

Erik picks up a point for wearing a mask.

erik myers
10.28.02 @ 7:38a

DA HA! That's fantastic.

Thanks, Russ.

I'll kill you. Fucker.

tracey kelley
10.28.02 @ 9:17a

Heh. That "Onion" clip was funny.

sarah ficke
10.28.02 @ 9:35a

Thanks, Russ.

I'll kill you. Fucker.


But not before I break his kneecaps.

~Särah

jael mchenry
10.29.02 @ 10:00a

The Onion reigns supreme. Not in a badass way, just in a really hilarious funny way, like "54 perish in Disco Inferno" or "Starbucks Begins Sinister Phase 2 of Operation."

erik myers
10.29.02 @ 12:10p

I guess the best reference for this column is Herbert Kornfeld

heather millen
10.29.02 @ 12:11p

The Starbucks article is hilarious. My friend and I have been saying for years that they're the evil empire. We finally have the concrete proof we need!

jael mchenry
10.29.02 @ 12:25p

As far as H-Dogg (Herbert, not Heather) is concerned, I'm stuck on "Human-Resources Bitches Be Makin' Me Take Vacation Days."

erik myers
10.29.02 @ 12:29p

My favorite is, "Cash Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie"

daniel castro
10.29.02 @ 5:36p

How about fucking lot's o' ho's? Wudnt that make you a badass?
My respect to the ladies in tha house, this was just a reference.



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