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I'm not going to lie to you, I just don't have what it takes to be Miss USA.
But wait, let's not start off 2007 on the wrong foot.
Sexy? Check.
Talented? Does baton twirling mean anything to you?
Swimsuit? Hammock.
Desire for peace on earth? Kumba-freakin'-yeah!
But Donald Trump could walk into my life today and offer me all kinds of rehab and the head of Rosie O'Donnell, and I still wouldn't pass the first phase of the background check.
I've done things. Questionable things.
It recently became Entertainment Tonightable that Miss USA was nearly discoronated when it went both public and 700 Clubable that the young, pretty, and arguably very successful woman was spotted drinking in bars. Or eating babies. No, I'm pretty sure it was drinking in bars.
After much media hand-wringing and a little Trumping, it appears she'll keep her crown and do a stint in rehab.
Rehab?
She's 20.
She was drinking.
She's Miss USA. That buys its own drinks in any dusty little corner of the country.
I don't want to come off as judgmental of Mr. Trump, the Miss USA Organization, or the perfectly normal and not-at-all creepy beauty pageant circuit. My apologies if she somehow snuck some heroin abuse in there or punched a nun. Or maybe it's a different kind of rehab that they signed her up for. Maybe she tore her ACL.
But this proves definitively that if Miss USA has to twelve step her way back into the good graces of those who get their current events from People and Us, then that's the last nail in my coffin as far as the public eye is concerned.
Oh yeah. Disclaimer. Before I wind up convincing America's Youth to fail their trigonometry quizzes and start listening to speed metal: Jael McHenry is my anti-drug. Stay in school. Drinking is just as cool as the beer commercials make it out to be but you get a nasty headache the next day and maybe a life-partner. Winners don't punch nuns.
There. With that out of the way I can trot out my drunk uncle persona and ask a valid question. Are we out of control or have the forces that conspire to reign us in begun to overreach like some many-headed, self-hating, guilt-spawned Puritan revival plus Nazis and Orwell's 1984?
And is that a loaded question?
At the risk of breaking the heart of your mother and every 10th grade private school English teacher with a heart of gold, the line that divides corporate junior executive who volunteers at church and digs the History channel from ill-hygiened reprobate with a bad temper and a leather jacket is thick, gray, blurry, and it moves.
I don't want to be Miss USA. I want to have a drink every now and then. And I wanted to at 20. And 19. All right, also at 16. And it was never a good idea.
But it isn't like I meant to go out there and do all the stupid, mean, and unfortunate things that a have brought me a lifetime of regret and a modicum of therapy. They sort of just happened on the way to getting where I am.
I'm quite centered, actually. I don't volunteer at church, but I do smile a lot and hold doors open for the elderly.
The point is, when you crack down on the young ones that hard and with such little tolerance, you accidentally start to fuzz up the distinctions between arbitrary rules and why those rules were in place to begin with.
Like the difference between a 0.08 blood alcohol level and a 0.20.
Like the difference between putting off college to pursue a dream and putting off college to pursue a schedule crammed with daytime talk shows and PlayStation.
Like the difference between love and lust.
Like the difference between language used to provoke and language used to hurt.
Like the difference between adequite and adequate. Or human, which was what she meant to say.
Even though she said it twice. On two different occasions.
Did I just defend Lindsey Lohan?
Yeah. I did. And I will again - it's almost a free speech thing if you look at it right. So let Miss USA blow off the inordinate amount of responsibility that comes with being pretty by having a drink or six. Let Paris Hilton strut around the club scene without underwear. Let Johnny Knoxville strap himself to whatever he wants to strap himself to.
P.J. O'Rourke once said "America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damn well please."
I read that at 20 and fell for it, while drinking in and out of bars and never once attending rehab. Except for that time I blew out my ACL studying for a Thermodynamics final.
In the end, we need to make our own mistakes, so long as we're willing to pay for them. And if they keep taking away every shred of responsibility at the slightest hint of transgression, we'll never truly understand what that means.
Post
Let me apologize right away for the title. It’s a joke. And it’s a good joke. And I will do anything in my power to push the envelope for a good joke, even if it means slapping said joke on this collection as the title. The “A” plot of this column, the fact that we go too far in protecting ourselves and those around us, in my eyes pretty much defines 2007, and nowhere was it more bluntly and wonderfully stupidly defined than in that moment where Ms. Lohan tried to be the adult everyone wanted her to be. She’s not even the “B” plot of the column – that’s Miss USA which, honestly, no one really cares about. But Lohan kicks the theme home in her own, somewhat misguided but heart-in-the-right-place way. By the way, my favorite line from the column is “Winners don’t punch nuns.” I still use that.
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NEWS | |
12.5.08: WE ARE ALL ADEQUITE: THE INTREPID MEDIA 2007 COLLECTION RELEASED
Just in time for the holidays, Intrepid Media releases its first ever paperback book. This collection of the best of 2007's feature columns also includes exclusive new material in a beautifully designed volume. Order the first edition paperback online or download the ebook for free. That's right. FREE. We're that cool.
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