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THE EMPIRE OF MIKE:     HOME  :  ALL COLUMNS

ALL COLUMNS BY MIKE JULIANELLE

41 to 50 of 129 columns
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41. the honeymoon's over
you like me when i'm angry
humor - lifestyle
10.8.07 : feature column!

And...I'm back. Officially married. Did you miss my wedding? No worries, here's the play by play: Fuck that. Weddings are like a box of chocolate: No one gives a shit. Wait. That doesn't make sense. Weddings are like other people's babies: No one gives a shit. Over the past year of ocassionally (yes, ocassionally, don't exaggerrate) writing about my impending nuptials, I noticed people chafing. Chafing at my self-absorption? Perhaps. Chafing at the fact that I was going to be off the ma...
42. jukebox zero
putting a ceiling on the dancing
humor - lifestyle
9.7.07 : feature column!

My fiance won't let me use the Guns 'n Roses song "Get In The Ring" for our first dance at our wedding. Maybe she's right. Maybe a song in with the lyric "I don't like you, I just hate you, I'm gonna kick your ass!" and in which the lead singer demands his antagonists "suck [his] fucking dick!" isn't quite wedding material. But goddammit, neither is Moulin Rouge! I'm realistic. I know that I can't have the DJ play all my favorite tunes during my wedding reception. I'm a rock guy, not a dance ...
43. why can't three be friends?
is he really going out with her?
humor - lifestyle
8.8.07 : feature column!

In preparation for a Best Man speech I was obligated to give this summer, I racked my brain for anecdotes, adages, inside jokes and inappropriate comments with which to delight the crowd and fluster the groom. Stocking the speech with humorous details about my relationship with the groom wasn't difficult; I have 13 years of shared experiences to fall back on. The bigger issue was throwing in some words about the bride, whom I've only known for 3 years, and nowhere near as well. Obviously it's t...
44. my irish eyes are crying
sick and pale with grief sunburn
humor - lifestyle
7.11.07 : feature column!

I have never been mistaken for an albino. I am not one of those clowns that places a lot of stock in my lineage. I happen to be 50% Italian and 50% Irish, but I don't have an Irish flag on my wall and I don't pretend to relate to Paulie Walnuts. I like The Godfather movies as much as the next guy and I like drinking as much as, well, everyone. But I am American, first and foremost. I appreciate having access to some of the traditions, recipes and traits that are inherent in the two ethnicitie...
45. bite your tongue
go for the golden
general - lifestyle
6.8.07 : feature column!

It takes a strong man to hold his tongue. And I'm not just talking about Yaphet Kotto. It's not always easy to keep your opinions to yourself. There are countless situations in which one feels compelled to voice their thoughts, whether to respond to a personal slight, or correct a misguided assumption, or enlighten an ignoramus. But I say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Every day, we -- each and every one of us -- are faced with situations in which a clever put down ...
46. the wedding crusher
why would anyone want to make their living planning these things?
humor - lifestyle
5.9.07 : feature column!

Has the whole world gone wedding crazy? Sure seems like it. Everywhere I turn, something wedding-related slams into my face. I'm sure it's partially because I have my own upcoming nuptials on my mind, but that can't be the only reason. My fiance has about 57 episodes of wedding-themed reality shows on our DVR, leaving scant room for my NFL Films Dan Marino special or the Matthew Perry feel-good teacher flick I haven't been able to get to yet ("The Ron Clark Story"). I hear it's a real heartwar...
47. exercising my demons
that's why they call me the working (out) man
general - lifestyle
4.9.07 : feature column!

Exercising sucks. Going to the gym sucks. Watching what you eat sucks. The exercise I usually partake in doesn't amount to much. It mostly consists of running around my neighborhood, for 3 to 4 miles, 3 to 5 times a week. And only when it's warm. I don't go to the gym because I hate the gym. I hate people who like the gym and I hate the older men at the gym who inexplicably enjoy being nude in a crowd as much as they possibly can. They walk around, hold conversations, shave, style their hai...
48. quiz show
taking a swing at the world series (of pop culture)
pop culture - general
3.12.07 : feature column!

You've done it. You've sat there on your couch watching your favorite game show, shoving Doritos in your face, shouting answers at the screen. You've mocked the loser contestants as they flubbed easy questions, secure in the fact that you would wipe the floor with every single one of them. What if you had a shot to put your money where your mouth is? Would you be able to overcome your nerves and recall the right answers in time, in front of a crowd, on camera, with bright lights in your face? W...
49. the espn drone
as dull as the other side of the pillow
sports - criticism
2.14.07 : feature column!

So I was at the gym the other day, distracting myself from the sweaty people on the treadmills next to me, my excruciating boredom, and a general distaste with the gym atmosphere, by watching the small TV perched in front of my machine. I chose to stare at the TV but listen to my iPod. After all, that's one benefit of working out: quality alone time with the love of my life (Happy Valentine's Day, iPod!). Plus, when I saw what ESPN had to offer, I was never happier to be listening to music. ...
50. the loyal scam
loyalty default
general - lifestyle
1.15.07 : feature column!

Like Superman fleeing to the Fortress of Solitude after his beat down in Metropolis at the end of Superman II, or Jesus fleeing to the Kingdom of Heaven when he was crucified and couldn't take the heat, another potential savior has abandoned us in our time of need. Nick Saban, the head coach of my favorite football team, surrendered his integrity to his checkbook and ran from the Miami Dolphins all the way to the F...B...I. I mean, Alabama. I hope that for the rest of his life, he wakes up in...
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RAVES

re: the worry-free guide to impending fatherhood

Great column, asshole.

re: superbland?

Spot-on. And it's possible for Superman to have a sense of humor. Look at the Superfriends.

re: bleat the parents

Mike, I just have to give you a big AMEN for this!! I agree with you so much that I have made it my life's work to make a little dent in the guilt, judgment and shame game of parenting!

re: bleat the parents

Late to reading this, but enjoyed it tremendously.

re: this changes everything

Love the build up. one our your best.

re: poker face

Mike's got a crush! Mike's got a crush!

re: the parent trap

Really, really funny. This killed me. (And love your blog, too.)

re: the season of the watch

Exceptionally funny!!!

re: clear and presents danger

You poor thing, you are REALLY in trouble now!

re: dagwoodn't

At last: somebody who gets it!!!

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