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61 to 70 of 129 columns
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61. better you than me
self-improvement is masturbation
humor - lifestyle
3.17.06 : feature column!

Upon leaving work one day last week, I was greeted with a harsh accusation. Written on a yellow sticky and stuck to my driver’s side window was a hostile note reading: Asshole! It seems that I had parked a bit too closely to this gentleman's automobile. Apparently having struggled to enter his car due to the proximity of mine, he got aggravated. So aggravated, in fact, that he took the following steps (give or take): 1. squeezed his fat ass into his car 2. found a pen and scribbled his hate...
62. baloney has a first name: it's o-s-c-a-r
the politics of the academy awards
pop culture - criticism
2.15.06 : feature column!

News Flash: The Oscars are a load of shit. The Academy Awards lost their credibility a long time ago. Probably well before Oliver! won Best Picture but definitely by the time Rocky beat out Network, All The President’s Men and Taxi Driver. Most self-proclaimed (is there another kind?) film buffs stopped looking to the Oscars for anything resembling their own tastes once Forrest Gump trumped Pulp Fiction. The average moviegoer hits the multiplex instead of the arthouse and would rather see ...
63. the world according to c.r.a.p.
lessons learned from watching bad tv
television - criticism
1.16.06 : feature column!

Remember when the universally adored and overrated The Shawshank Redemption first hit theaters and didn't do so well? Scuttlebutt was the cryptic title was to blame for the lukewarm reaction. I don’t truck with the “bad title as repellent” theory. Should they have called it “Wrongfully jailed man forms intense platonic relationship with fellow inmate while slowly digging out of prison using schemes from 500 other movies?” Of course not. If you skip something because the title doesn’t spel...
64. political directness
break it down for me fellas
humor - lifestyle
12.14.05 : feature column!

I’m sitting there, waiting for the Clay Aiken concert to get past its technical difficulties and start already, when an unfamiliar voice comes over the loudspeaker. Unfamiliar, apparently, to no one but me, because as soon as the voice is heard it is recognized as Clay's and greeted with a piercing swell of cheers and shrieks. I have a very hard time dealing with the fact that there are people on earth who like Clay Aiken’s music (as do my testicles, who immediately turned in their resignati...
65. secondhand croak
death expectancy on tv shows
television - criticism
11.16.05 : feature column!

* THIS COLUMN SPOILS THE NOVEMBER 9TH EPISODE OF "LOST" * A few weeks ago I was surfing the net and I accidentally stumbled across the name of a character who was going to die on the then-upcoming November 9th episode of "Lost." I was immediately pissed off that I had inadvertently robbed myself of the impact of a character's death on what ABC was obnoxiously trumpeting as the biggest episode of the year. Or at least until February Sweeps. And then I read the name again and realized I didn'...
66. bachelor smarty
party planning at its finest
humor - lifestyle
10.17.05 : feature column!

If you’ve ever had the honor of being someone’s best man then you know that the feeling of pride and loyalty felt upon being selected is both nicely flattering and entirely fleeting. Once the horror of having to make a toast at the reception and the pressure of planning the mother of all bachelor parties sets in, all fuzzy feelings evaporate. I’ve seen toasts of all types: drunken, embarrassing speeches that feature hiccups amid off-color insults; halting, emotional speeches by brothers and c...
67. totally hidden videos
i don't want my mtv
pop culture - criticism
9.12.05 : feature column!

I once spent an entire day sitting on Eric Pepe's couch watching MTV, waiting for the “Thriller” video to air. An entire DAY! “Billie Jean” came on and we were pissed. Sure, the song's infinitely better, but the video is weak: no monsters, no Vincent Price; just a dirty sidewalk that lights up. That’s nothing compared to the mini-movie we were waiting for (I’d even argue that the disturbing “Say Say Say” video was better than “Billie Jean,” what with the con-man hi-jinks, the odd camarader...
68. sticks and stones
words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
humor - appreciation
8.10.05 : feature column!

A friend once told me that he doesn’t believe in the strength of words. But he was drunk and is a complete nutcase, so I didn’t take him very seriously. Besides, it’s not like he mimed it to me. Aside from finding his comment hilarious, I disagreed with it. Not because I think words are particularly strong, but because words are often given too much power. As a writer, an avid crossword puzzler and an occasional X-rated Mad-Libber, I love playing with words. We all know the entertaining w...
69. all she wants to do is dance
they shoot horses don't they? please shoot me.
humor - lifestyle
7.11.05 : feature column!

If I were to make a list of things I hate (that is, another list), it would include a few sports teams, a handful of celebrities, soccer, Southern Comfort, reality TV, zucchini, and vomiting. However, some of those things can be made tolerable with the help of a secret ingredient: alcohol. Even soccer: drunken bicycle kicks are a laugh riot! Sometimes a little sauce is just the thing to get everybody loose enough to relax and have fun in a tense situation (re: interventions.) In more dire ci...
70. blinding me with scient
tom's foolery
pop culture - criticism
6.13.05 : feature column!

Years ago, I ran into John Travolta on the streets of Boston. He was exiting his trailer outside Fenway Park in preparation for a scene in A Civil Action. Being a movie buff and enthusiastic follower of the hilarious cult of Scientology, I shoved a USA Today in the star’s face and asked him to sign it “To a Fellow Scientologist.” I was unaware of the effect that such an admission, however facetious, would have on the world’s most annoying dancing movie star. His eyes went buggy with fervor a...
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re: the worry-free guide to impending fatherhood

Great column, asshole.

re: superbland?

Spot-on. And it's possible for Superman to have a sense of humor. Look at the Superfriends.

re: bleat the parents

Mike, I just have to give you a big AMEN for this!! I agree with you so much that I have made it my life's work to make a little dent in the guilt, judgment and shame game of parenting!

re: bleat the parents

Late to reading this, but enjoyed it tremendously.

re: this changes everything

Love the build up. one our your best.

re: poker face

Mike's got a crush! Mike's got a crush!

re: the parent trap

Really, really funny. This killed me. (And love your blog, too.)

re: the season of the watch

Exceptionally funny!!!

re: clear and presents danger

You poor thing, you are REALLY in trouble now!

re: dagwoodn't

At last: somebody who gets it!!!

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